An email I wrote to my professor

[justletmesleep]

I am currently doing uni, and I'm in a bad place. I'm desperate to be heard, to be seen, so desperate in fact I've written a lengthy email to my professor of all people, a teacher who I like and who I came to for support once when I was struggling. And maybe I've gotten attached to that. I know it's weird, why the hell would I write this? But I did, and I just want to get all of my feelings out there.

I thought I'd post it here. Because I am suffocating not being able to share my feelings. I sent it. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.





Dear X,

I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I am writing to you because I don't know what else to do. All this word vomit should be going straight to my therapist, I know. I have told all relevant people an account of recent events and my mental state, but I see my therapist on Friday and I am achingly impatient. Hopefully, I won't ever have to burden anyone again. I just need to tell someone. Anyone. It hurts.

I have not been normal lately. I've been far from normal. So far in fact that don't know what I am anymore. Well, that's not exactly true, I know am a lot of things that are—I have realised—not particularly good. I never really knew what I was. Who I was. Who I am. In a literal sense. It's confusing.

Honestly, I'm surprised I'm still showing up to class at all. Also considering there is a high chance I'll be failing your composition class at this point. In fact, I know I will, since I haven't started the presentation and have no desire to even look at my compositions. I've never failed anything at school before, this is a first. I don't want to fail though, if I do, I'll lose the sliver of motivation I'm clinging to, and then I'll truly be nothing.

I simply don't know how much more I can handle. How much longer I can walk around like a lifeless zombie before I properly depart from life. I know you're my teacher, and most likely the reason I feel so inclined to send this email to you (I apologise again) is that I have you for the majority of my classes, and our tutorials each Thursday enable a closer inter-personal relationship. The only relationship apart from Joey I seem to have developed here. Maybe also because you are wise. You understand the musician's suffering. And I admire that.

I don't feel like I belong here. Not when I have no motivation to truly integrate myself with the community. Not when I have no desire to even play my own instruments. Especially not when I can't even be bothered to do my work. I don't know what I want to do, if I want to do anything at all, I thought this was it.

I'm worried what I will do if I drop out, I'm worried what I'll do if I don't. Either way the future doesn't look promising.

I feel I have let everyone down, if they care about my actions to begin with. I know that once I'm gone everyone will be more dismayed, but at least I won't be around to face it. That's what I've always been. A coward. A lazy one.

All I want is to be acknowledged, to be seen, to be understood. To feel like I have a place in this world, in someone's mind, maybe in someone's heart. I want my feelings to be heard. I have never stuck up for myself, never spoke up, now all I want to do is scream. Even just for someone to read this email, even for you to read it, just to see this, see me. I have never been able to tell anyone anything, I'm fed up with that. I don't know what to do, and I'm scared.

But, you probably won't even see this. Maybe that's for the best.

 

[aitouka]

Oh god, I relate to this so much. Hope you can have a better time soon.

 

[Yoyo_honeybee]

I really hope you're feeling more seen now with your therapist, how are things going and did they ever get back to you?

 

[Yoyo_honeybee]

Also have you thought about taking a break from uni for yourself? Maybe taking a year away would be beneficial? It's important to put yourself first in times like this

 

[justletmesleep]

I really hope you're feeling more seen now with your therapist, how are things going and did they ever get back to you?

Yes, he did get back to me and actually we talked for over 2 hours. He is very nice and helped me out a lot. Even so, though, I am still struggling. Also saw my therapist on Friday, but yeah I hope things get better.

I wanted to start uni in semester 2, I knew that was because I wanted to delay any responsibility I had and my parents did not want me to start in sem 2. Deep down I knew I'd waste that time.

 

[Yoyo_honeybee]

Yes, he did get back to me and actually we talked for over 2 hours. He is very nice and helped me out a lot. Even so, though, I am still struggling. Also saw my therapist on Friday, but yeah I hope things get better.

I wanted to start uni in semester 2, I knew that was because I wanted to delay any responsibility I had and my parents did not want me to start in sem 2. Deep down I knew I'd waste that time.

That's so nice, it's really good to see some good uni lecturers, there are quite a few who don't seem to care.

Fairs, just know it's not wasting time if it's for your wellbeing :)