Am I addicted to the madness?

[Viceroy]

Real life... its just so boring! Recently I've felt good. Things have been going okay. Its nice in its own way. But its quite boring. The madness of 'depression' or whatever it can be called is very painful but exciting. The thoughts, the feelings, the private experiences, the revelations. I only get them when on the verge of death. Today, like yesterday, and like tomorrow, I am happy. But I am bored. It is just work, then not work, and so on. There is no great stage of the mind to roam free into 'madness' and nothing much compares. Maybe I miss the madness too much to not be mad.

 

[runningonempty]

Funny, I stumble back to this forum and immediately find a post with a similar issue to me.

The "madness" for me brings with it misfortune and calamity along with powerful and visceral emotions, profound sapience, limitless creativity, and chaotic energy. In a way, it's a heightened state of existence, if only it didn't also end up spiraling me into hell and back.

Now that I have clawed myself out of that pit, and finally am indulging in the pleasantries of order and toiletries of life, even dabbling with love and lust; I can feel the pit beckoning to me, tempting me. Though I try to stray far and further away, I find myself merely circling around its perimeter, knowing one day it will swallow me whole.

So, maybe I should reestablish a relationship with my wretched and miserable past. As I now acknowledge the merit it offers. I will see what levels of toxicity, I can tolerate now.

 

[Viceroy]

Funny, I stumble back to this forum and immediately find a post with a similar issue to me.

The "madness" for me brings with it misfortune and calamity along with powerful and visceral emotions, profound sapience, limitless creativity, and chaotic energy. In a way, it's a heightened state of existence, if only it didn't also end up spiraling me into hell and back.

Now that I have clawed myself out of that pit, and finally am indulging in the pleasantries of order and toiletries of life, even dabbling with love and lust; I can feel the pit beckoning to me, tempting me. Though I try to stray far and further away, I find myself merely circling around its perimeter, knowing one day it will swallow me whole.

So, maybe I should reestablish a relationship with my wretched and miserable past. As I now acknowledge the merit it offers. I will see what levels of toxicity, I can tolerate now.

This is so relatable