ihavetoleave
Member
- Dec 28, 2020
- 89
I've always felt this sick, sad feeling inside for as long as I can remember. I've always felt afraid to tackle the day and to handle the tasks I need to so I can live a successful life. I see now more than ever this isn't normal, that I have a brain that is not able to succeed. Life is all about adapting to circumstances or dying while attempting to, and I definitely am made to fail instead of conquering each moment I am tested.
I remember wanting to try drugs for years before I was able to try them, always wanting that escape from reality. I got my wish and used drugs and nicotine for over two decades. Drugs and addiction gave me what felt like super powers, I could motivate myself to do anything. I motivated myself to get job after job I performed horribly at. I motivated myself to build a whole career I was unsuited for and now that I am sober for months and months I see how insane it was for me to do this and to make a fool of myself for years, how crazy my behavior must have looked to other people suited for the line of work I was flailing around in.
I've taken antidepressants and it made my behavior more crazy as well, I've taken many different kinds for years and years in the past. I am exhausted from having to see a doctor to keep a prescription for these kinds of medications as they feel awful to stop taking, yet they kept me marching in a bad/insane direction when I was taking them. There are no answers for someone like me, I try to simply make it through each day watching my life be destroyed bit by bit, bills not able to be paid, no interest in a hobby, making friends and I certainly will never attempt to be in a relationship again, I've really made a huge mess of my life that cannot be fixed. There is no way forward with a job or a life of any kind.
Without these crutches of drugs and meds and knowing what I have done and have ruined, I cannot forgive myself. I have a way out, I have "SN" here to take when I am ready yet taking a poison to end this existence and be nothing possibly doesn't feel better either. It feels like lying on a cold beach with the waves washing over me again and again with no way of moving out of the way. Each day is terrible, today there is no mail at least to bring me down further but I still can't enjoy the moment. I don't think I will ever be able to be happy with life, I can't live without the drugs and I can't live with myself and what I've done without them to dull my memory.
I remember wanting to try drugs for years before I was able to try them, always wanting that escape from reality. I got my wish and used drugs and nicotine for over two decades. Drugs and addiction gave me what felt like super powers, I could motivate myself to do anything. I motivated myself to get job after job I performed horribly at. I motivated myself to build a whole career I was unsuited for and now that I am sober for months and months I see how insane it was for me to do this and to make a fool of myself for years, how crazy my behavior must have looked to other people suited for the line of work I was flailing around in.
I've taken antidepressants and it made my behavior more crazy as well, I've taken many different kinds for years and years in the past. I am exhausted from having to see a doctor to keep a prescription for these kinds of medications as they feel awful to stop taking, yet they kept me marching in a bad/insane direction when I was taking them. There are no answers for someone like me, I try to simply make it through each day watching my life be destroyed bit by bit, bills not able to be paid, no interest in a hobby, making friends and I certainly will never attempt to be in a relationship again, I've really made a huge mess of my life that cannot be fixed. There is no way forward with a job or a life of any kind.
Without these crutches of drugs and meds and knowing what I have done and have ruined, I cannot forgive myself. I have a way out, I have "SN" here to take when I am ready yet taking a poison to end this existence and be nothing possibly doesn't feel better either. It feels like lying on a cold beach with the waves washing over me again and again with no way of moving out of the way. Each day is terrible, today there is no mail at least to bring me down further but I still can't enjoy the moment. I don't think I will ever be able to be happy with life, I can't live without the drugs and I can't live with myself and what I've done without them to dull my memory.
