All alone and so confused

[tiredandconfused]

I can see from the forums that so many people feel like me. Alone and at the end of what they can take. I feel like I'm going through the motions not wanting to upset the few professionals that care. They want me to have a new life and I've done what they said. I had to change my name, my address, numbers, emails and all accounts but that doesn't make me feel safe. I still live with the trauma and I'm not the strong survivor they want me to be. I'm me. A person who feels too broken. I just feel alone with it because I can't admit it to anyone in case they try and safeguard me again. I want to give up. To have a peaceful end to a crazy life. Is that wrong. Am I being ungrateful.
I don't have family or friends. But a job that I have just started again. But each day I think if I end it now how can I do it unnoticed. I just want to disappear.
in two weeks I have to make a decision to press charges or not. I know they want me to but I don't think I can cope with talking about it. I am scared people will think I deserved it. I feel so ashamed that I can't even look at my reflection anymore.
I'm sorry for waffling. I don't like myself at the moment and feel so alone in a world I can't cope with.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I just feel alone with it because I can't admit it to anyone in case they try and safeguard me again.

This is such a terrifying feeling. You can't reach out to the professionals because their solution too often is forcing you into an institution and forcing drugs/other treatments on you. Unlike other patients, you have no right to refuse. And any questioning of prescribed regimens earns you the dread label of "difficult patient." We know what follows that. If only mental health realized how counterproductive treating people who're seeking help like criminals is. :( Wishing the best for you.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering. It sounds like you are going through a lot. Of course it is not ungrateful wanting to leave, we all deserve a peaceful exit on our own terms, it isn't like we asked to be alive in the first place. I understand it is hard to carry on when you feel like you cannot cope. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[Manaaja]

I'm sorry you're going through a lot. Yeah, lots of us are feeling lost. The world can be too cruel. I really wish the world was able to see when it has given someone too much to bear.

It can be difficult to speak about personal things, I know. Just today I was speaking with someone on the internet about how a sexist asshole doctor treated me like shit but I couldn't talk about it, because I felt no-one would side with me.

The decision whether to press or not is hard. It would be nice to be able to foresee where each path leads so it would be easier to make decisions.

But let me say this. You are allowed to make decisions that feel the best for you. You matter. Your feelings and thoughts matter. Do what you think is best for you. And don't feel too guilty about it. You are allowed to be selfish. Choose the option that feels best for you.

And you didn't deserve anything bad. You are not a bad person in any way.

Maybe writing your thoughts down on a paper might help?

I hope it all goes well in the end. And don't feel sorry for telling your thoughts. Write as many posts as you need. You are allowed to let it all out. I hope things will get better for you.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Of course it is not ungrateful wanting to leave, we all deserve a peaceful exit on our own terms, it isn't like we asked to be alive in the first place.

Amen!

 

[tiredandconfused]

Thank you. It means a lot to me to be able to speak freely without being judged or pressured. Your comments have helped a lot. The world seems so lonely and I wish I knew where I belong. Don't like feeling invisible but don't like being abused. I guess I need to get better at just being me.

 

[RazzleDazzle]

I'm dealing with a long term stalker and I identify with so much of what you're saying. I'm done. I don't want to try any more to regain my sanity and rebuild my life. I'm just done. The pain never ends, I never feel safe, I can't sleep anymore, barely leave my house.

Whether or not other people understand doesn't matter. I'm sure that the people I've known won't really understand. But it's not their decision. The person who has to live my life is me. I'm done with the madness and pain. I don't have to go on living like this. I can be done.

But it's not a decision that needs to be made quickly. It's an option that is there. I'm trying to remain open to the possibility that life might become bearable again. That I won't have to sleep on the floor of my closet in order to feel safe. That I'll be able to talk to people again.

Sending hugs. I'm sorry that you're going through this. You're not alone.

 

[tiredandconfused]

I'm dealing with a long term stalker and I identify with so much of what you're saying. I'm done. I don't want to try any more to regain my sanity and rebuild my life. I'm just done. The pain never ends, I never feel safe, I can't sleep anymore, barely leave my house.

Whether or not other people understand doesn't matter. I'm sure that the people I've known won't really understand. But it's not their decision. The person who has to live my life is me. I'm done with the madness and pain. I don't have to go on living like this. I can be done.

But it's not a decision that needs to be made quickly. It's an option that is there. I'm trying to remain open to the possibility that life might become bearable again. That I won't have to sleep on the floor of my closet in order to feel safe. That I'll be able to talk to people again.

Sending hugs. I'm sorry that you're going through this. You're not alone.

Hugs to you too. It's hard. But you're right I have to do what's right for me. Even if it means I can't give evidence. Thank you. I hope you hold on.

 

[fox_wannabe]

I still live with the trauma and I'm not the strong survivor they want me to be. I'm me. A person who feels too broken.

Yeah I feel that. Trauma hunts me everyday. It is main reason I want out.

 

[RazzleDazzle]

Hugs to you too. It's hard. But you're right I have to do what's right for me. Even if it means I can't give evidence. Thank you. I hope you hold on.

Thank you for the hugs. Absolutely, don't give evidence if you know that it would be harmful for you. And don't question that. I'm a rape survivor and I never did anything to pursue getting justice, it was where I was at in my life at the time, I was young and dealing with a serious health crisis and didn't have support from my family or really anyone else in much of anything, apart from my friends. I wasn't in a place where I had the resources or ability to pursue it. Sure, an asshole rapist "got away with it," but I'm not responsible for making sure that assholes get punished, I'm responsible for taking care of myself as best as I can.

And prosecuting criminal acts takes a lot out of the survivor. People are genuinely retraumatized by the process, it can be a trauma in itself. If your gut is telling you that it would further traumatize you to give evidence, your gut is probably right. It has cost you enough. You don't have to pay more.

I'm doing my best to move away from suicidal thinking and to try and find a picture of a life that I can move towards, but it's hard. However, I know that my brain is probably lying to me when it's telling me that ctb is the only way out. Shit gets dark sometimes.

 

[tiredandconfused]

Shit def does get dark. I like to think that even if I ctb I am holding up two fingers to the bastards that hurt me. My life may be crap and I've lost a lot but they won't be my last thought if I go. Always try and hold on to your inner ninja.

 

[RazzleDazzle]

Always try and hold on to your inner ninja.

That is bad ass, I love it.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I guess I need to get better at just being me.

For what it's worth given the little I know of your circumstances, I don't think you need to get better at being you. I think the world needs to get A LOT better at being the sort of place others--especially the vulnerable--are willing to keep living to keep experiencing. Wishing you well.