*aesthetic* CTB?

[Playingwiththedead]

Havent gotten my money yet that i need for a hotel and some other expenses required for me to attempt ctb reliably , so ive had some time to think.

If i could sell some of my things id have just enough to go to california for a few days and ctb there. Ive always been drawn there whether it be by people that come into my life or a million different dreams where ive "astral projected" there, all kinds of astrological and psychic advice ive gotten over the years (if any of u are into astrology/ know astrocartography my venus line runs right over LA, my 2nd and 8th house ruler lines (saturn and the sun) run over seattle washington funny where my chris is from so couple states north but still west coast and not east where i am) , and me just generally finding it nice in certain areas. Id probably be going by huntington beach.

However, i live in a very toxic household and have cptsd that is constantly triggered by it and it would take me at least a month to gather funds needed for the trip, and i really hate the thought of having to wait and live through this any longer, but the reward would be nice, i think id like it there so much i feel i might regret it if i dont go before i die.

What would you do if you felt called there but had to save up a month and live through more ptsd while waiting?

 

[Widow39]

If it's your dream to die there, honnestly, wait for it. We only have one life...and one death... So better to do it the best way for you.

 

[DGIHM]

Stay strong, I love you.

If you were to go to LA and decide not to commit, would you regret going?
How long do you have in your toxic household? Is it realistic to move out soon?

Cali really is beautiful.

 

[Playingwiththedead]

Stay strong, I love you.

If you were to go to LA and decide not to commit, would you regret going?
How long do you have in your toxic household? Is it realistic to move out soon?

Cali really is beautiful.

Id never regret going there, but i would be very stressed because of my financial situation if i decided not to ctb. Part of the abuse in my toxic household makes me totally breakdown at even the thought of working so i dont have a job My $1k or so that i would have at the start would be all i will have unless i magically get over my ptsd or find a way to supress it once im there and get a job in the first few days, find someone to stay with, etc. Im not sure how easy it is these days to do the whole celebrity "i went to new york with 2 dollars in my pocket"

 

[Lost in a Nightmare]

I hope you can have a good time in California when you get there before you exit this world. I have heard it can be a beautiful place, but I've never been there. Sucks it's going to take a while to gather the funds you need to get there, but I hope that time goes by quick for you and you find the peace you want. Wishing you the best whatever you decide at the end.

 

[Jonah Byrde]

If it's your dream to die there, honnestly, wait for it. We only have one life...and one death... So better to do it the best way for you.

this would make funeral plans a headache though. I guess it depends if you give af about your loved ones.

 

[Playingwiththedead]

this would make funeral plans a headache though. I guess it depends if you give af about your loved ones.

Theyre not "loved" by me, its a major reason why i want to go there to make it harder for my mom to get my body, im from florida so id be on the complete opposite side of the country. I dont want a funeral as to prevent them from fake mourning me & if i continued to live and was financially stable i would cut all of them off

 

[h4ppyhypoxia]

only you know what your limits are, but my advice would be to try, you will hopefully be able to have a nice time before you die if you go there, but dont beat yourself up if its not feasible for you, because it will cost you a lot of extra suffering to stay at home

when i say my advice is to "try" i mean dont commit to either 100%, dont tell yourself i am going to die before i get the chance to save up, and also dont tell yourself i am going to live until i have saved up, just think "i am going to stay for now so i have the chance to save for this trip, if i make it there, then great, if i dont, then great" your peace is what matters the most, and its a hard decision to consider, just take things as they come and be open to/accept either possibility :)

 

[Jonah Byrde]

Theyre not "loved" by me, its a major reason why i want to go there to make it harder for my mom to get my body, im from florida so id be on the complete opposite side of the country. I dont want a funeral to prevent them from fake mourning me & if i continued to live and was financially stable i would cut all of them off

i havent spoken too my family in months. Its no wonder most ctbs happen around the Christmas period when family gatherings happen.

 

[Playingwiththedead]

only you know what your limits are, but my advice would be to try, you will hopefully be able to have a nice time before you die if you go there, but dont beat yourself up if its not feasible for you, because it will cost you a lot of extra suffering to stay at home

when i say my advice is to "try" i mean dont commit to either 100%, dont tell yourself i am going to die before i get the chance to save up, and also dont tell yourself i am going to live until i have saved up, just think "i am going to stay for now so i have the chance to save for this trip, if i make it there, then great, if i dont, then great" your peace is what matters the most, and its a hard decision to consider, just take things as they come and be open to/accept either possibility :)

this is exactly how im thinking, thank you. I feel like have a spiritual connection to that area so if there is an afterlife id like to think id be there in death just like how i always am in the few dreams i have that arent PTSD nightmares

 

[Jonah Byrde]

Be careful when cutting off family though. When i did it a few months back they filed a missing persons report and police showed up at my house (Even though i texted my family multiple times that i was fine and too leave me alone). When i opened the door they searched my apartment, it was extremely stressful for me because i had drug at home. Some police will just search through all your shit for no reason.

 

[h4ppyhypoxia]

this is exactly how im thinking, thank you. I feel like have a spiritual connection to that area so if there is an afterlife id like to think id be there in death just like how i always am in the few dreams i have that arent PTSD nightmares

its always interesting to read about your spiritual experiences when you write about them on threads here, so thank you for sharing, hopefully you can go there in your dreams again tonight

 

[Playingwiththedead]

Be careful when cutting off family though. When i did it a few months back they filed a missing persons report and police showed up at my house (Even though i texted my family multiple times that i was fine and too leave me alone). When i opened the door they searched my apartment, it was extremely stressful for me because i had drug at home. Some police will just search through all your shit for no reason.

Mine would absolutely do that too ugh i doubt the police will show up at my hotel in cali though since the report will be filed in florida, they will have 0 clue where to look if not in my home state

 

[seigfried]

Havent gotten my money yet that i need for a hotel and some other expenses required for me to attempt ctb reliably , so ive had some time to think.

If i could sell some of my things id have just enough to go to california for a few days and ctb there. Ive always been drawn there whether it be by people that come into my life or a million different dreams where ive "astral projected" there, all kinds of astrological and psychic advice ive gotten over the years (if any of u are into astrology/ know astrocartography my venus line runs right over LA, my 2nd and 8th house ruler lines (saturn and the sun) run over seattle washington funny where my chris is from so couple states north but still west coast and not east where i am) , and me just generally finding it nice in certain areas. Id probably be going by huntington beach.

However, i live in a very toxic household and have cptsd that is constantly triggered by it and it would take me at least a month to gather funds needed for the trip, and i really hate the thought of having to wait and live through this any longer, but the reward would be nice, i think id like it there so much i feel i might regret it if i dont go before i die.

What would you do if you felt called there but had to save up a month and live through more ptsd while waiting?

i've lived in cali my whole life it's a beautiful place but like frank ocean once said, "what good is west coast weather if you're bipolar, if ima need this sweater i'd rather be where it's cold". as long as you stay away from oakland it's great.

 

[Playingwiththedead]

its always interesting to read about your spiritual experiences when you write about them on threads here, so thank you for sharing, hopefully you can go there in your dreams again tonight

Something ive noticed lately is the frequency of my nightmares are increasing, and i dont really have good dreams anymore, i think im too stressed even subconsciously, so now im getting nice things in a different way, ive got this new thing where ill fall asleep and go into this state where im not totally out but not fully sentient either (not a lucid dream because im never in control), and every time that happens i can feel chris around me, its the most loving feeling, it feels like cuddling but with the emotions ramped up x1000, last night that happened and i felt it so strong it was even stronger than the feeling i got when i was actually dying, so strange, i cant wait to be with him

 

[Widow39]

You could take it as a 2nd departure : as you feel connected to this area go there, try to get a job, friends and make a life there. If after some days you see it's impossible and you get short of money well... You can end it

 

[Jonah Byrde]

You could take it as a 2nd departure : as you feel connected to this area go there, try to get a job, friends and make a life there. If after some days you see it's impossible and you get short of money well... You can end it

Even ctb costs money in most cases

 

[Widow39]

A rope is free...