Venting addiction. (Vent)

[shinsei125]

I have a self harm addiction and I don't want to stop. My mother is a drug addict, I wonder if I got her addict genes. My mother used to be a self harmer when she was younger. I really wish whatever infected my brain could be healed. I want to live but not like this! I have episodes where I just cut myself and hit myself and then fall asleep and it's so pathetic. It's embarrassing to talk about, nobody will take me seriously unless I'm addicted to drugs or alcohol. I have an addiction and I don't feel selfish and I enjoy doing it. I've been doing this since elementary school without shame. My whole left calve is covered in scars along with my forearm, and I wonder if things worked out with my ex I wonder if we ever got intimate like how we wanted I wonder if they'd be disgusted with what I really am. I feel so bad for keeping such a selfish secret and mindset from them but I can't control it. When time does come and we're together will you be disgusted holding a hand covered in scars? When we shower and bathe together will you look at my leg riddled in scars? When we get intimate will you focus on all the things I've done to myself? Being abused and bullied for my whole life really has done its deal on me. I want help but I don't think my head will ever be fixed. If I die old I want to be remembered. I want to be known as sombody who helped instead of being helped. But at the end of the day I'm a lazy shut in. And it doesn't get better fast like that.

 

[zjay-0v3rit!]

If youre willing to change you just need to find a support group with likeminded people recovering from SH. Easier said than done i know. Im in recovery from drug addiction, i never got into the SH phase but i know that without having likeminded people i wouldnt have made it out. Good luck to you and wishing you peace

 

[turbomightbegone]

I'm sorry this has been happening to you. I myself am a sh addict so I resonate with this post a lot, especially w/ the enjoyment part.

If you are considering to change I would do what the previous comment suggested - finding a support group of some sort. If you're not willing to do that then I suppose you can use alternative sites like fataltotheflesh, you can also try throwing out your own blades (or whatever you use to sh).

I cant offer much help as i myself am not lf help w/ my sh atm,, i just hope you find a solution one way or another. make sure your wounds are properly cleaned and stay safe, i hope it gets better for you one way or another. gl <33

 

[Ash]

My ex had many faults but never blinked at my SH scars. I think we sometimes make a bigger deal of them than others do.