Venting Aborted impulsive SN attempt

[western_heart]

Already taken:
400 mg gabapentin
About 3 mg etizolam
10-20 mg cbd/THC

But my girlfriend is awake. The pills are on my desk ready for me. I already mixed one glass of SN. So what's written won't happen at this point. After posting I will dump the glass and put the pills away.

Was about to take:
80 mg esomeprazole
16 mg ondansetron
400 mg gabapentin
25 mg DPH
25 mg meclizine
1000 mg acetaminophen
2 mg etizolam
400 mg propranolol

30-45 minutes later:
25 g SN
8 mg ondansetron ODT

Second glass of 25 g SN will be used if needed

If this is the last you hear from me, goodbye. If I pass out before taking the SN, or it doesn't work, or if I am saved, I'll be back... who knows when.
Going to go to bed now. A bit late, I'll sleep in because I took a bit more sedatives than my usual dose. But I will live another day

Seal on the SN is now broken. Plenty left for another attempt in the future

 

[Graytaichi]

What made u want to ctb if i may ask?

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do. I think personally I would find it comforting just having the option of a way to exit this world. I'm sorry for all the suffering that has brought you to the point of wanting to ctb.

 

[western_heart]

What made u want to ctb if i may ask?

I hate where I live, I do not have the energy to change it. I am in a state that is politically not the best for someone like me. I'm in a small apartment living with my codependent girlfriend. The apartment would possibly be good enough for me alone, but I can't kick her out. We have lived together for three years now and it kind of sucks. I have enough income for us to move but I don't know where I want to go, and want to save money. I don't feel like eating much of the time, and gf doesn't always help me. If I have an empty stomach, like I did last night, taking SN is more tempting than preparing a meal.

I don't care enough to make things better, I am suffering enough now that I do not want to wait. I do not have the energy to do all the suicide preparation I desire, but I think I have enough of what I need to succeed.

I've felt suicidal ever since last week, when I was worried I wouldn't be able to get back home because of covid travel restrictions. I wanted to jump off my hotel balcony but it was on the sixth floor, and killing myself in a foreign country seemed like it would inconvenience a lot of people.
now that I'm back in America, I am acutely aware of how much it sucks here.

 

[Shu]

I hate where I live, I do not have the energy to change it. I am in a state that is politically not the best for someone like me. I'm in a small apartment living with my codependent girlfriend. The apartment would possibly be good enough for me alone, but I can't kick her out. We have lived together for three years now and it kind of sucks. I have enough income for us to move but I don't know where I want to go, and want to save money. I don't feel like eating much of the time, and gf doesn't always help me. If I have an empty stomach, like I did last night, taking SN is more tempting than preparing a meal.

I don't care enough to make things better, I am suffering enough now that I do not want to wait. I do not have the energy to do all the suicide preparation I desire, but I think I have enough of what I need to succeed.

I've felt suicidal ever since last week, when I was worried I wouldn't be able to get back home because of covid travel restrictions. I wanted to jump off my hotel balcony but it was on the sixth floor, and killing myself in a foreign country seemed like it would inconvenience a lot of people.
now that I'm back in America, I am acutely aware of how much it sucks here.

Go to Colorado.

 

[western_heart]

Go to Colorado.

I'd love to, but moving across the country is draining enough, especially bad when I don't know anyone there. I don't want to do it alone and I don't want to do it with my unstable unemployed gf. (we already did this twice while I was unemployed and it drained my savings, even with family helping on both sides)

It all feels so hopeless