fluffymuffin
Member
- Oct 11, 2020
- 48
I have never felt light-minded, not even in my early childhood. I've always felt that there's something off but I couldn't figure it out until now, I thought it wasn't serious and that I'd grow out of it but it just kept getting worse. My childhood was wasted because I avoided to do everything including trying to socialize with people or getting to master essential life skills and thus I was deemed as "the mature kid" by adults for simply being quiet and aloof, when I was simply suffering from major anxiety which hindered my ability to do things without over-analyzing them. I've had many changes in my personality over the years which caused me to have no sense of identity and people around me would often make fun of how they don't recall me behaving in a certain way.
After taking meds for a while I managed to defeat those feelings, or so I thought until they resurfaced again. I was overwhelmed by how impulsive I had been at that time, because I had a less anxious mind but due to my little experience on living life without having to constantly worry about things, I couldn't be satisfied with whatever I had done because it wouldn't be enough.
This is my fourth relapse which really makes me question my ability to change. I don't want to keep fixing myself because It's killing me inside how I can't manage to be the version of myself that I've always wanted. I tend to have obsessive tendencies towards people or certain hobbies or acts and I don't even understand how they begin in the first place, they gradually become bigger and bigger till they suck the energy and happiness out of me. People around me don't understand what's going on, even my own therapist doesn't. They blamed me for not trying hard enough or for being "lazy" and "overdramatic". As If I haven't been trying my entire life.
I don't know how to describe my personality, nor that I have any sort of identity other than struggling to improve myself. I've been told that I'm a spoiled brat because I wasn't abused enough and I have no right to feel this way. I'm tired with no other solutions than to keep living this hellish life or try to CTB using a method that has many risks, I'm too burned out to plan for months.
After taking meds for a while I managed to defeat those feelings, or so I thought until they resurfaced again. I was overwhelmed by how impulsive I had been at that time, because I had a less anxious mind but due to my little experience on living life without having to constantly worry about things, I couldn't be satisfied with whatever I had done because it wouldn't be enough.
This is my fourth relapse which really makes me question my ability to change. I don't want to keep fixing myself because It's killing me inside how I can't manage to be the version of myself that I've always wanted. I tend to have obsessive tendencies towards people or certain hobbies or acts and I don't even understand how they begin in the first place, they gradually become bigger and bigger till they suck the energy and happiness out of me. People around me don't understand what's going on, even my own therapist doesn't. They blamed me for not trying hard enough or for being "lazy" and "overdramatic". As If I haven't been trying my entire life.
I don't know how to describe my personality, nor that I have any sort of identity other than struggling to improve myself. I've been told that I'm a spoiled brat because I wasn't abused enough and I have no right to feel this way. I'm tired with no other solutions than to keep living this hellish life or try to CTB using a method that has many risks, I'm too burned out to plan for months.
