BreakTheCycle
Life means suffering. Try to break the cycle.
- Aug 6, 2021
- 93
Just wanted to share something. Maybe it helps to open up.
At the night of 25. July to 26. July i attempted suicide for the third time. I tried to ctb by carbon monoxide inside my car.
I broke up with my GF. Yes me and it's been obvious for us to break up. We talked with each other and came to the conclusion that we are just way too different to build a future. So it has been a break up like it should be. No hate at all.
"If u can't be with humans, what's the point in being one." was also one of the thoughts that leted me attempt.
I still didnt take it well and so many triggers revealed themself. I've never been good with other humans. I just can't trust anyone. (Maybe I'll tell my entire story here soon, since it doesn't matter if anyone here knows and I'll be gone very soon too)
Once again I've fucked up a connection to someone. Truely loved someone for the first time. And I failed.
So I've been once again triggered by failing a connection to an other human. I got triggered by feeling, something I usually avoid naturually. (0 to little emotions in daily life, more likely to be 0)I got triggered by myself since I see myself as a pretty big piece of shit. I got triggered by the sexuality in the relationship and that i couldn't provide it. And I got triggered by so much more.
I got myself drunk af and cutted my arms as badly as never before. Usually I make sure nobody can notice my self harm unless they look very closely. I have scars everywhere but rly thin ones and they are fading over time since they aren't rly deep. This time there will be scars. Many. Big ones.
I sat in the bathtub and wanted to cut my wrists. But I was kinda scared of it and even tho I self harm it didn't seem appealing. So I've been thinking that my car would do the job.
So I prepared everything and sat down in the car. And now there was this pretty big mistake. I wrote in my what's app status: "In the next life im going to be a bird. We'll see us again."
A former mate of my time in the army instantly realised what was going on. I don't know how long it took the firefighters, the police and the paramedics but they have been there rly fast. They opened up the garage, broke a window and got me out. I fought back a little and maybe a little bit more. So I ended up being tasered and with handcuffs.
They brought me in the emergency department to check my cuts and because I got tasered and then made an huge mistake. They all left and I've been sitting there completely alone and no handcuffs. Like 1 minute after the paramedics and the police left, I left as well. Pretty chill through the main entrance.
I've been walking for an hour and then a police car showed up. They knew instantly who I was and wanted me to stop, I didn't. I jumped over a fence and started running like never before in my life. I actually made a bad decision here since the fence led to railroad tracks. So they had to let these parts being shut down. I'm a suicidal person after all. Long story short after 6 hours they got me. Instantly handcuffs again and back to the police department. After asking they revealed that this helicopter has been looking for me as well. The entire time I've been thinking that I'm just paranoid and they would never send an heli to look for me but they did. I'm kinda proud that I managed to escape for so long. Thx military for the training.
So afterwards I've ended up in psych ward. But it's not hard to tell them what they wanna hear. So it just took me 1 and a half week to get out of there.
So now I'm back home. Everytime I wake up I'm thinking why am I still alive. Every single second I'm thinking about ctb. I feel worse than ever before. Just playing games that aren't even fun so the time passes. Having my family around me that realised for the first time how fucked up I am. they know some stuff like the sexual abuse in childhood but they never truely knew how bad it is. It feels weird to have them around after I attempted, after they saw my scars.
Right now I kinda hitted rock bottom. If it wouldn't be for my upcoming journey I would have taken the Fent already. Every single second it becomes harder to not take it. But I have to keep going until these things that came up are completed. Then I can go on my journey and leave this life behind.
Thx for reading. I just had to say that out.
Sry for the english. It's not my first language.
At the night of 25. July to 26. July i attempted suicide for the third time. I tried to ctb by carbon monoxide inside my car.
I broke up with my GF. Yes me and it's been obvious for us to break up. We talked with each other and came to the conclusion that we are just way too different to build a future. So it has been a break up like it should be. No hate at all.
"If u can't be with humans, what's the point in being one." was also one of the thoughts that leted me attempt.
I still didnt take it well and so many triggers revealed themself. I've never been good with other humans. I just can't trust anyone. (Maybe I'll tell my entire story here soon, since it doesn't matter if anyone here knows and I'll be gone very soon too)
Once again I've fucked up a connection to someone. Truely loved someone for the first time. And I failed.
So I've been once again triggered by failing a connection to an other human. I got triggered by feeling, something I usually avoid naturually. (0 to little emotions in daily life, more likely to be 0)I got triggered by myself since I see myself as a pretty big piece of shit. I got triggered by the sexuality in the relationship and that i couldn't provide it. And I got triggered by so much more.
I got myself drunk af and cutted my arms as badly as never before. Usually I make sure nobody can notice my self harm unless they look very closely. I have scars everywhere but rly thin ones and they are fading over time since they aren't rly deep. This time there will be scars. Many. Big ones.
I sat in the bathtub and wanted to cut my wrists. But I was kinda scared of it and even tho I self harm it didn't seem appealing. So I've been thinking that my car would do the job.
So I prepared everything and sat down in the car. And now there was this pretty big mistake. I wrote in my what's app status: "In the next life im going to be a bird. We'll see us again."
A former mate of my time in the army instantly realised what was going on. I don't know how long it took the firefighters, the police and the paramedics but they have been there rly fast. They opened up the garage, broke a window and got me out. I fought back a little and maybe a little bit more. So I ended up being tasered and with handcuffs.
They brought me in the emergency department to check my cuts and because I got tasered and then made an huge mistake. They all left and I've been sitting there completely alone and no handcuffs. Like 1 minute after the paramedics and the police left, I left as well. Pretty chill through the main entrance.
I've been walking for an hour and then a police car showed up. They knew instantly who I was and wanted me to stop, I didn't. I jumped over a fence and started running like never before in my life. I actually made a bad decision here since the fence led to railroad tracks. So they had to let these parts being shut down. I'm a suicidal person after all. Long story short after 6 hours they got me. Instantly handcuffs again and back to the police department. After asking they revealed that this helicopter has been looking for me as well. The entire time I've been thinking that I'm just paranoid and they would never send an heli to look for me but they did. I'm kinda proud that I managed to escape for so long. Thx military for the training.
So afterwards I've ended up in psych ward. But it's not hard to tell them what they wanna hear. So it just took me 1 and a half week to get out of there.
So now I'm back home. Everytime I wake up I'm thinking why am I still alive. Every single second I'm thinking about ctb. I feel worse than ever before. Just playing games that aren't even fun so the time passes. Having my family around me that realised for the first time how fucked up I am. they know some stuff like the sexual abuse in childhood but they never truely knew how bad it is. It feels weird to have them around after I attempted, after they saw my scars.
Right now I kinda hitted rock bottom. If it wouldn't be for my upcoming journey I would have taken the Fent already. Every single second it becomes harder to not take it. But I have to keep going until these things that came up are completed. Then I can go on my journey and leave this life behind.
Thx for reading. I just had to say that out.
Sry for the english. It's not my first language.
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