A stab of loneliness

[hang in there]

At these points in the early hours of the morning I am the only one awake. I have always been alone. No one sits and watches the moon cross the sky with me. Hours tick by and I feel a crushing loneliness in my chest like I have been run over by a truck. Each night this happens I feel further cut off from humanity. When I am at work it is worse. Sometimes I will be driving us around at night and just quietly burst into tears so I don't disturb my partner. I am such an enormous pussy when someone dies it haunts me for years. There was a patient I had to run into the intersection to stop because she was trying to die by a vehicle. That is the only time I have not felt alone. I felt like we were going out together. I never think about it but for some reason this song I'm listening to reminded me of that short forgotten moment years ago. The sun is coming up now and it feels like a curtain pulled across a casket. I don't really care if I sound dramatic I am just explaining my feelings. I have to shove them down every day because I am not allowed to feel them. I feel like I am wearing a mask and no one knows who or what I really am. If they knew they would turn away in disgust and horror. I feel like the world would be right if I was dead but I am anchored here by the emotions of others. I am not allowed to die because it would hurt my little siblings too badly. I wish I was dead and I never want to wake up again. I am fucking chained here like an animal against my will and my every instinct says my existence is a blight. No one can help me and nothing I do will ever change that. I'm sitting here bitching and crying so I don't grab my gun and shoot myself right this fucking minute. I can't, and that just makes me feel worse. I want to die.

 

[getoutgirl]

Such a sad read, but so beautifully worded. A bazillion hugs your way <333

 

[hang in there]

It's that time of night again.
I sat by the water trying to feel any enjoyment from the sunset and the birds and I could not feel anything. The only thought in my head today has been the feeling of the gun in my hand earlier and the fact I wasted that moment I could have escaped.
I don't want to talk to my psychiatrist but I think my meds stopped working again.

 

[hang in there]

I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. Make it stop.

 

[hang in there]

I've been watching videos of people killing theselves all night.
Apparently I can't win. I try to be thoughtful and make sure I don't bore others to death with my presence and I see them today and they say I didn't need to avoid them at all, even though I had no money for months and we could've done nothing fun together they say they would have just liked to spend time with me because they love me.
The guilt I feel knowing I am going to put them through a deeper hell than the one I am in has had me crying all night. I don't know what to do. I feel I have to die. I don't know how to make them stop caring. I don't want to break anyone's heart.
I just want to disappear and stop waking up in this fucking torture chamber of a life.
If that takes a bullet then it takes a bullet.

This song is about me

 

[hang in there]

God balancing my checkbook always has me so fucking anxious about my lack of finances I put it off until after bills are late and get charged more and don't have the income to cover it and put it on credit and accrue interest and it goes to collections and I can't fucking pay for anything and I am in so much fucking debt it makes me want to scream, I can't even afford groceries at this point there's no use even keeping my job because it can't make up for my stupid senseless impulse decisions blowing thousands of dollars at once on some retarded manic bullshit

 

[hang in there]

I think I might be getting depressed again
I can never really tell
I just know I am sleeping like absolute shit if I even sleep at all, it takes me an extra 6 hours to fall asleep just because I am so stimulated my heart is constantly beating so fast and hard and I can't calm down at all unless I get wasted
I'm not hungry I have forgotten to cook for the last few days now
I'm not showering or brushing my teeth or changing my clothes
I can't fucking feel any joy or hope or relief or peace
I just sit in one spot and think about my gun
I feel like garbage
I feel so bad
I feel like I'm not even alive I'm just watching some horrible dream that doesn't end

 

[hang in there]

I guess mr bones has started the ride again
My sleep has reached a sort of homeostasis
Stay awake for 36 hours, sleep for 16
I haven't even been drinking any coffee lately but I guess bipolar doesn't care about that
The pendulum will swing faster and faster until I'm going a week without sleep again and bouncing off of the fucking walls until I break something
I was feeling fucking incredible and energized in the second half of being awake, which is always a bad sign
How fucking many antipsychotics do I need to be on to keep me normal, is this some kind of fucking crazy contest, I don't want to win it but it's not exactly up to me is it

 

[MissBlack000]

At these points in the early hours of the morning I am the only one awake. I have always been alone. No one sits and watches the moon cross the sky with me. Hours tick by and I feel a crushing loneliness in my chest like I have been run over by a truck. Each night this happens I feel further cut off from humanity. When I am at work it is worse. Sometimes I will be driving us around at night and just quietly burst into tears so I don't disturb my partner. I am such an enormous pussy when someone dies it haunts me for years. There was a patient I had to run into the intersection to stop because she was trying to die by a vehicle. That is the only time I have not felt alone. I felt like we were going out together. I never think about it but for some reason this song I'm listening to reminded me of that short forgotten moment years ago. The sun is coming up now and it feels like a curtain pulled across a casket. I don't really care if I sound dramatic I am just explaining my feelings. I have to shove them down every day because I am not allowed to feel them. I feel like I am wearing a mask and no one knows who or what I really am. If they knew they would turn away in disgust and horror. I feel like the world would be right if I was dead but I am anchored here by the emotions of others. I am not allowed to die because it would hurt my little siblings too badly. I wish I was dead and I never want to wake up again. I am fucking chained here like an animal against my will and my every instinct says my existence is a blight. No one can help me and nothing I do will ever change that. I'm sitting here bitching and crying so I don't grab my gun and shoot myself right this fucking minute. I can't, and that just makes me feel worse. I want to die.

I understand this. I stay for my fam and animals. I am alone but wish I was more alone so I wouldn't feel guilt about how my emptiness affects those I love. I also feel trapped because I love them. I often stare off and let tears stream down my tear troughs quietly hoping that no one notices me crying. I have been sad for 3 days now and that is not good. The emptiness comes back so quickly. Like a familiar haunting friend. Who gives me relief when I go into the hole & indulge my dark ideations. I sleep too much and cry too much and sometimes I wake up the mood has shifted. I hope the mood will shift… This is such a difficult way to exist, feeling alone, like a burden, and hopeless and apathetic about life. Crying is cathartic. But I am also scared. Scared of these feelings. Scared to share my burden. Yet here I am.

 

[hang in there]

I understand this. I stay for my fam and animals. I am alone but wish I was more alone so I wouldn't feel guilt about how my emptiness affects those I love. I also feel trapped because I love them. I often stare off and let tears stream down my tear troughs quietly hoping that no one notices me crying. I have been sad for 3 days now and that is not good. The emptiness comes back so quickly. Like a familiar haunting friend. Who gives me relief when I go into the hole & indulge my dark ideations. I sleep too much and cry too much and sometimes I wake up the mood has shifted. I hope the mood will shift… This is such a difficult way to exist, feeling alone, like a burden, and hopeless and apathetic about life. Crying is cathartic. But I am also scared. Scared of these feelings. Scared to share my burden. Yet here I am.

I'm sorry. I know exactly how you feel. Being tied down by animals too, that's always the worst because there truly will be no one to care for them if you act on your thoughts when you want to... they might even get euthanized if no one claims them fast enough which is just horrible to think about. I hope the weather of your life changes again and you can feel somehting besides that fucking pit.

 

[hang in there]

I chugged a fifth of vodka and blacked out
I was on the couch watching TV yesterday afternoon and then it was 5am I woke up in bed I think I had sex at some point but I don't remember doing anything at all I just woke up naked and a mess
Just like old times