a reason to ctb is my reason not to

[puppybrained]

not really an interesting post, just something ive been mulling over. i really do want to ctb, i know i have to eventually. i don't have a good reason integral to me to not. but i have external reasons, my dad and my bf mean a lot to me and really want me alive.
so i figured if i need a reason to ctb, i need a reason not to that doesn't rely on other people.
i can't say im dedicated to this reason, but i have something at least.
if i ever feel worse than i felt at my worst, then i have a good reason to ctb. i already got very close when i was at my lowest at 19. i expected to feel about the same recently as i went through and am going through similar circumstances, but i actually am handling it... well enough... better than i did i'll say. i can think of things that would cause me to feel as bad as i did, if not worse. until those things happen, then things are okay and i don't really NEED to ctb. things can be worse, so things are okay.

 

[cherrylace]

for me it helps to remember that if it's not one thing, it's another, and repeating that to myself when i feel like things could be better or nothing is working the way it could
it reminds me that there's more to do and to stay busy in that without thinking too much about what's going wrong