Venting A real friend

[Caenis1999]

I've been postponing it for weeks. Didn't have the right material. Then it was my sisters birthday. And then she went through an abortion and I wanted to be there for her because I knew how it destroyed me. She seems so in peace with hers. But now my deadline is near. A few days from now I should CTB. I wished I could have friends to talk about it without being scared of getting sent to a psych ward. I wish someone could tell my family once i do it so that I don't let my cat eat my face or get PTSD from it after days alone if that even makes sense. I'm afraid that it will take my family days or weeks to notice Im gone. For me, a real friend would just accept my choice and not call the police. If only I could die from natural causes or in an accident... I would trade my life for anyone's. And this is my own proof that no higher being exists. But I can't say any for those things by fear someone would call.the authorities. I fell numb. Useless. I just wish I can find the will to end it when the time will.come. my deadline is near but Im so scared Ill back off only to make me pain stay.