i'm not much closer to actually catching the bus, but my ideation is getting much more intense. probably because i just started sertraline. i think about it constantly, even more frequently than before, if that's possible. i'm pushing away the urge to order sn because i'd have nowhere to keep it safely, and i'm too afraid that i'd take it impulsively and traumatise my parents. i want to wait until they pass away to kill myself, to spare them having to bury their child. i've mentioned it before i think, but i don't want to cause them any more grief since they have both lost their parents, along with a few close friends and other family members. i don't want to cause them any more suffering than i already have. since they are the only ones who will grieve my death, after they have gone i will most likely join them.
this evening, i started to write a note which was addressed to them. it was more like a stream of consciousness i suppose, but it laid out all my reasons for ctb. maybe it was a way of venting, i don't know. i apologised for being a bad daughter, i described my perpetual loneliness and anguish because of what has been done to me. whatever it was, i didn't feel scared after writing like i thought i would, just remorseful that my 20 years on this earth have essentially consisted of misfortune, trauma, and grief. it made me realise that when the circumstances allow, and providing things don't get better, suicide is what i want. i want to end my suffering, i want to stop reliving my past on a daily basis, i want to completely remove the possibility of further trauma, i want to stop being a burden. i want to be able to stop all the thoughts that race in my head forever. it's just unfortunate i will have to wait a while before i can take this step. i hate this state of limbo, having to force myself to exist when all i want is to fall asleep and never wake up again
this evening, i started to write a note which was addressed to them. it was more like a stream of consciousness i suppose, but it laid out all my reasons for ctb. maybe it was a way of venting, i don't know. i apologised for being a bad daughter, i described my perpetual loneliness and anguish because of what has been done to me. whatever it was, i didn't feel scared after writing like i thought i would, just remorseful that my 20 years on this earth have essentially consisted of misfortune, trauma, and grief. it made me realise that when the circumstances allow, and providing things don't get better, suicide is what i want. i want to end my suffering, i want to stop reliving my past on a daily basis, i want to completely remove the possibility of further trauma, i want to stop being a burden. i want to be able to stop all the thoughts that race in my head forever. it's just unfortunate i will have to wait a while before i can take this step. i hate this state of limbo, having to force myself to exist when all i want is to fall asleep and never wake up again
