Venting a part of me is making peace.

[livingdeaddyke]

i cannot every full smile or ever truly be happy. I am always going to feel worthless and not enough no matter what.
just when i was finally able to heal, to be close to people, to feel like i wouldnt be hurt again, i was backstabbed again, and again and now i can trust no one.
just as i get so happy with myself, i realize the person that i am, and the life that im living, and im not happy anymore.

i cannot be like this anymore, i have been like this forever. i do not want to live any longer. it's painful being alive. i need to muster up some courage to ctb.
i do know where i wanna ctb and how. im simply gonna jump in a library, i hope. i cant stop thinking about that specific library, it consumes my brain every single day, i cant stop daydreaming myself on the ledge looking down at the ground below me, leaping, and finally letting go. all of my self hatred, my fears, my traumas, my sadness. gone.
i want to feel my body hit the ground, then everything fades away.

This. is my dream death. I just need to properly plan it out so no one can stop me.

i will be somewhere else i will feel loved, or at least wanted, and free from my own mind.