A mental list I've made of things in which if they happen to me, I will officially solidify my plans to CTB

[sergeantblackback]

I created a list of sorts in my head which frequently update of things which if they happen to me I will fully solidify my plans to CTB, here's the list so far:



•if I ever get directly called ugly in person now, I've been called ugly when I was a young teen but my face was still not fully developed so I retain this cope in my brain that I'm not that bad anymore



•if a small baby ever looks at my face and immediately starts crying, I'll see that as the most undeniable evidence that I'm facially subhuman



•if I ever hit someone whilst riding my bike, I have tourettes and severe anxiety disorder and frequently almost hit people during a bad tic day or during an anxiety attack, but if I actually make contact and wipe someone out it's GG's I'm afraid



•if i ever spiral with alcohol so badly that I start drinking first thing after waking up after drinking again and scare the shit out of my parents and land myself in hospital again



•if I manage to reach 30 and am still in the same sexless friendless position I'm in now, I'm now 27 so it's getting closer



•if I ever develop legitimate psychosis/schizophrenia



•if I get diagnosed with bipolar disorder, strongly suspecting it but haven't been diagnosed



•if my mums hoarding disorder spreads into my own bedroom



•if I ever have an experience which undoubtedly confirms my solipsism/simulation theory/lonely god theory suspicion



•if it turns out that my only "friend" who has just turned 18 was actually using me just because I can buy him alcohol and vapes and shit



•if I ever get scammed by an escort again, one escort did this bait and switch scam and I lost £300 to the bitch



•if I cannot get kratom anymore, my anxiety is too severe for me to enjoy it by itself anymore but it's the only thing that stops me from overindulging alcohol during my nighty drinking sessions



•if I have a massive mental breakdown and crash the fuck out against someone staring at me in a public setting with lots of witnesses, already done it twice but thankfully there was no witnesses both times but I did almost get severely beaten up the first time



The list isn't set in stone and is constantly being updated and adjusted in my head but these are the general things which if they happen to me then I'll make the decision that I am absolutely CTB'ing wether I want to or not

 

[TAW122]

I have a similar list of things that would further spur me towards the plan and eventual act of CTB (albeit my list and my personal reasons for myself and to myself are different than yours). In the meantime, I've personally also just started preparing for CTB because all the things that are happening (at least for my personal circumstances) is already unbearable and preparing for my eventual CTB, as it is just a matter of time and circumstance before I go. I've reached a point where I pretty much have a good idea of how my life will be like in the coming years, decades, and it doesn't get easier or necessarily 'better' just other copes until I cope no more, grind and some distractions, and then the problems that I face in just daily existence along with personal problems.