Venting A lot of things are better. But suicide still seems like the best option

[platypusfan]

It seems like the logical answer, for me, at least.

I have had lots of improvement in my depression and life. It has been ten years since I started treatments, to summarize the story, it all went terribly until up about the last year. I finally found a method that worked for me (for anyone curious, 50mg Prozac, monitored marijuana+shrooms use, quitting therapy, utilizing distractions, and lots of exercise). I am, in part, lucky, and this only happened because past attempts didn't work. If you are also searching for recovery and have any questions about it, feel free to ask. Starting this year, I have had significantly less breakdowns, my grades have improved (no failed classes in university for once!), I am healthier, and I even have a girlfriend!

But there are things that I am missing that don't make it worth it. It is hard to feel happiness, or true love, and that makes me feel like a terrible person for the situation im in right now. Additionally, my family will never accept me. And third, I have serious gender dysphoria and haven't transitioned, which feels terrible everyday, but transitioning would also feel terrible just because of the way people work. I also feel constant guilt from everything happening around the world. It seems physically impossible for me to be happy when there are other people suffering.

I still don't feel like a human. Even if everything I can control gets better, there are things I can't control that are still excruciating, that I can't get rid of, because I was simply made like that.
Also, I'd like to say, the only reason quitting therapy helped was for personal reasons. I wouldn't recommend other people do this, because therapy can be very helpful for some people.

For me, since I grew up poor we had pretty bad options, and I was sort of stuck in this system at this one place that kept switching out people, and none of them seemed to care. They made me feel like I had to be a certain way or think a certain way, and as it turns out, some people are just different, so this might not work for everyone.

 

[timf]

It sounds like you are making progress with some circumstances and chemicals. One area that may still need some anchoring are some thought processes. Our society does a very poor job for young people. As other awareness increases in high school and college, it does so without much in the way of context. This often leaves young people overwhelmed with anxieties and uncertainties.

Other than TV and movies there is little in the way of a cultural imprint or even value system that one can use for a reference point. Occasionally one can pick up a word of wisdom here or there. Consider that advocacy of going to college. It is almost universal. However, if one asks why, the usual response is to get a good (higher paying) job. This implies the job is less important than the money. Many discover that they instead have chosen work they enjoy.

There was a movie called "Going in Style" (if I remember correctly). The plot was three retired guys rob a bank. In the movie the character played by George Burns upon reflecting on his life says, "I had enough of everything in life except money and the guys that went after that paid too high a price." I always thought that line captured a lot of wisdom.

It can be difficult to know what will happen in the future. However, you can experiment now with trying different things to get a feel for what it might be that can give satisfaction. This process of trying things might give you a feeling of a little more control of life as well as shed some light on what you might enjoy.