Largeletters
Alone
- Jan 21, 2020
- 640
Whether anyone ever reads this, I need to get this out of my system (This is NOT a goodbye post. Just something I wrote in google docs a few weeks ago).
I know that by doing this act I will be freeing myself of all pain, and by doing that, I will be passing it onto others. Believe me when I say I don't mean to do that. I wish I could leave this world without the act hurting others. Even though I hold anger and bitterness in my soul, I also hold a lot of love for people, especially those who know me. You may wonder, if I feel these things, why don't I stay? It's mostly because things have gotten unbearable for me mentally. Every day, for God knows how long, I have to convince myself out of committing suicide. I have to go through every day thinking of suicide almost every minute. I have to stifle these feelings because if I don't, I will get sent to the hospital again. I've been eight times and if I have to get admitted again, that will push me even farther to commit suicide, whether it's a good or bad hospital.
It is beyond exhausting trying everything that's supposed to help you, and it fails every time. It's a helpless feeling knowing you're getting worse and can't do anything to stop it. These things are not a choice. If they were, I would choose to feel happy, but I can't. I'm stuck in this loop, and I will never get out of it. I know I will feel suicidal for the rest of my life. It is not because of my age, hormones, lack of brain development or any other stupid shit. My suicide is inevitable and I've accepted that, I hope anyone reading this can too.
I wish I could have held on longer, but I have let my illness kill me. I have let others kill me too, maybe not physically, but everything that's happened in this life has caused me to feel more and more dead inside.
I'm sorry.
I know that by doing this act I will be freeing myself of all pain, and by doing that, I will be passing it onto others. Believe me when I say I don't mean to do that. I wish I could leave this world without the act hurting others. Even though I hold anger and bitterness in my soul, I also hold a lot of love for people, especially those who know me. You may wonder, if I feel these things, why don't I stay? It's mostly because things have gotten unbearable for me mentally. Every day, for God knows how long, I have to convince myself out of committing suicide. I have to go through every day thinking of suicide almost every minute. I have to stifle these feelings because if I don't, I will get sent to the hospital again. I've been eight times and if I have to get admitted again, that will push me even farther to commit suicide, whether it's a good or bad hospital.
It is beyond exhausting trying everything that's supposed to help you, and it fails every time. It's a helpless feeling knowing you're getting worse and can't do anything to stop it. These things are not a choice. If they were, I would choose to feel happy, but I can't. I'm stuck in this loop, and I will never get out of it. I know I will feel suicidal for the rest of my life. It is not because of my age, hormones, lack of brain development or any other stupid shit. My suicide is inevitable and I've accepted that, I hope anyone reading this can too.
I wish I could have held on longer, but I have let my illness kill me. I have let others kill me too, maybe not physically, but everything that's happened in this life has caused me to feel more and more dead inside.
I'm sorry.
