A game of whack a mole

[OneHourLater]

Hello,

This is my first official post, although I've been an onlooker for a short while. I'll try to keep this brief.

I am looking to see if anyone has had a journey similar to mine. I'm in my early 30s.

I was a tempered child
First started self harming at age 13. Discovered it helped calm me down
Was a good student. An artist in high school. No self harm but dabbled in drugs. Severe body dysmorphia.
College. Self discovery lead to seeking help and understanding for the first time that I have depression and mild anxiety.
Started self harming again. Used it to calm myself down. Mainly to get to sleep. These actually left scars as I used a knife.
Graduated cum Laude.
After college I take up consistent therapy, leave a toxic relationship, move across the country.
Depression still there but I generally stop self harming.
Depression flares up full force, discover punching my head is better as it gets the job done and leaves no scars or visible marks if aimed at my hairline. First time suicidal ideation feels incredibly real. Life is not sustainable in that state.
Start taking meds, start seeing a new therapist. Things become manageable again.
Suicidal ideation creeps back even worse, add meds. Things are manageable again.
I self harm now and again but not often, generally only if I'm drunk.

I feel myself slipping back into a dark state of mind and am really beginning to wonder if I'll ever fully keep this "mole" at bay.

It's an endless up and down journey.

thank you for reading

 

[rationaltake]

I understand the cyclic nature of your journey. And it's tiring.

 

[BellaB]

I wrote help on my bathroom wall when I was 8 and I still feel the word deep in my soul. Parents laughed it off. Helps never really stayed. Tired of rinse and repeat at 38 now. Had enough

 

[locked*n*loaded]

generally only if I'm drunk

You do know that alcohol is a depressant, right? You can do whatever you want to do. Just stating a fact.

 

[OneHourLater]

You do know that alcohol is a depressant, right? You can do whatever you want to do. Just stating a fact.

I am aware. But I inherently do not want to self harm. If I drink and get to a painful place i know well (it doesn't always happen), I don't have the wherewithal to walk it off etc I do what's easiest, and that is, self harm to stop the pain. But I don't want to stop drinking so….

I wrote help on my bathroom wall when I was 8 and I still feel the word deep in my soul. Parents laughed it off. Helps never really stayed. Tired of rinse and repeat at 38 now. Had enough

I feel that. I'm sorry it's been such a tough journey.