author
they/them
- Jul 13, 2021
- 82
I just want to say that the reason I haven't been on in a while isn't because I'm dead, it's because things are starting to get better.
I'm not sure if hope is something people look for here, but things are getting better for me - something I never really thought possible. I still don't have a job, I'm still stuck in my shit household and it's always a fucking mess - but I'm getting better.
I haven't self-harmed in a year, I hit that mark recently. I got HRT, which helped more than I could imagine. Seriously, I didn't realize how much transitioning would help me. I thought I'd be one of those rare people who regretted it, but it was just anxiety. I also got the surgery I really wanted too. It's all covered by insurance due to how poor I am. Being poor sucks ass but at least it means my surgery has to be covered due to where I live. Plus, I reconnected with a couple old friends who brought me into their friend groups, and I'm surrounded by wonderful people. I can't describe it other than I'm floating where I used to be sinking. Things still suck, but not as much. I'm still lonely, but not as much. It's not the same. It's just better.
Hope is something I felt would always betray me. Whenever I used to hope, something seemed to go catastrophically wrong. Now, I think I'm starting to - which might be kind of stupid, but I can't help it. I'm doing my best, surrounded by people who believe in me and will do their best to support me. I've never had people actively support and help me before. Pardon me for being dramatic but it feels fucking life-changing. Being able to transition while surrounded by people who love me is just, insane.
It still sucks, but not as much. Friendship and transition won't SAVE me, but it's helping. And I think I don't want to die. Things are actually kind of... Okay.
I'm not sure if hope is something people look for here, but things are getting better for me - something I never really thought possible. I still don't have a job, I'm still stuck in my shit household and it's always a fucking mess - but I'm getting better.
I haven't self-harmed in a year, I hit that mark recently. I got HRT, which helped more than I could imagine. Seriously, I didn't realize how much transitioning would help me. I thought I'd be one of those rare people who regretted it, but it was just anxiety. I also got the surgery I really wanted too. It's all covered by insurance due to how poor I am. Being poor sucks ass but at least it means my surgery has to be covered due to where I live. Plus, I reconnected with a couple old friends who brought me into their friend groups, and I'm surrounded by wonderful people. I can't describe it other than I'm floating where I used to be sinking. Things still suck, but not as much. I'm still lonely, but not as much. It's not the same. It's just better.
Hope is something I felt would always betray me. Whenever I used to hope, something seemed to go catastrophically wrong. Now, I think I'm starting to - which might be kind of stupid, but I can't help it. I'm doing my best, surrounded by people who believe in me and will do their best to support me. I've never had people actively support and help me before. Pardon me for being dramatic but it feels fucking life-changing. Being able to transition while surrounded by people who love me is just, insane.
It still sucks, but not as much. Friendship and transition won't SAVE me, but it's helping. And I think I don't want to die. Things are actually kind of... Okay.
