The last few weeks have been almost all good, with just a few days feeling down, even then not wanting to CTB. I think it has been because of several things I have changed.
First, the daughters have been the prime reason for several years. I have cried two oceans of tears, begged for forgiveness for I don't even know what. Then one day, I realized it will never change. Something in me just said, "I Quit." Instead of wondering and wishing for a call or a text or anything, I blocked them. Now, it is MY fault I do not hear from them. I took control. I think I stopped loving them.
Second, I have been really enjoying my two pistols and shooting lessons once a week. Which is funny because the reason I bought the first one was to kill myself with it. It was so much fun, I bought a second one. And now, I have had an AR custom built, will pick it up in a few days but when I saw it two days ago, my heart soared. I was gonna get another handgun but the US election changed things around and the AR became primary, in the event they become illegal soon. OMG! It is gorgeous, sexy as hell, and just evil looking.
Third, I realized certain family members bait me. I blocked them temporarily, too. I answer their texts and calls only when I know I am strong enough to stand up to them. Which is becoming easier.
I took control. Somehow, the guns have given me a feeling of power and control and a goal to reach -- better shooting. No, I will not shoot my way through Walmart or hunt animals (just can't do that). It's all about the target. Some day, I wanna say, "Watch this!" And maybe even enter a competition!
I may close my account here on SS, not sure about that. I still come here and read and hope others here can at least find an occasional respite. I still have down times but not like before and I hope this is at least semi-permanent. I am thankful for now.
First, the daughters have been the prime reason for several years. I have cried two oceans of tears, begged for forgiveness for I don't even know what. Then one day, I realized it will never change. Something in me just said, "I Quit." Instead of wondering and wishing for a call or a text or anything, I blocked them. Now, it is MY fault I do not hear from them. I took control. I think I stopped loving them.
Second, I have been really enjoying my two pistols and shooting lessons once a week. Which is funny because the reason I bought the first one was to kill myself with it. It was so much fun, I bought a second one. And now, I have had an AR custom built, will pick it up in a few days but when I saw it two days ago, my heart soared. I was gonna get another handgun but the US election changed things around and the AR became primary, in the event they become illegal soon. OMG! It is gorgeous, sexy as hell, and just evil looking.
Third, I realized certain family members bait me. I blocked them temporarily, too. I answer their texts and calls only when I know I am strong enough to stand up to them. Which is becoming easier.
I took control. Somehow, the guns have given me a feeling of power and control and a goal to reach -- better shooting. No, I will not shoot my way through Walmart or hunt animals (just can't do that). It's all about the target. Some day, I wanna say, "Watch this!" And maybe even enter a competition!
I may close my account here on SS, not sure about that. I still come here and read and hope others here can at least find an occasional respite. I still have down times but not like before and I hope this is at least semi-permanent. I am thankful for now.
