Venting 4 days left

[ihateittoo]

tonight i got invited to an open decks dj night at a bar(all ages) near me with a bunch of my friends. I got ready, put on makeup, put on an outfit I was excited to wear out and drove over. but when I got there I looked at myself in the mirror of the sun visor and realized just how terrible i looked, so i drove home. I didnt even make it 4 minutes before pulling over and parking so i could cry in my car. It was the hardest I had cried in a minute, its so painful that my insecurities are stopping me from seeing my friends. ill never see one of my best friends again because I was too afraid to be seen as ugly by people I dont know and will never meet. I feel like such a terrible friend. on the drive home after that I had to pull over 1 more time to cry in a parking lot because of how much it hurt. i have so much fomo about it but i get so scared whenever I have to get out my car. the hardest part about all of this is doing it alone. crying in your car is bad enough but its so much worse when theres no one there to tell you its alright. depression doesnt kill you, its the loneliness that gets you. i could be suicidal for years and it wouldnt matter if i was around people all the time. its the time that you spend alone that really makes you miserable.

i have 4 days until my ctb date. compared to yesterday im a lot less scared. i need this to happen now. theres no other way out of the hole im in. ill never not be hideous and the only way out is to shoot myself. ive been rehearsing it in my head so much. ive planned out the exact motion i want to do when i put the gun in my mouth. the key is to open your mouth BEFORE you start moving the gun. ill detail my plan more in my final post here.