Venting 1:30am, drive 3 hours back home?

[SuicidalRN]

It is nearly 1:30am and the horrible PTSD is keeping me awake. This morning I drove to another state to visit my best friend (who asked me if this would be the last time she sees me alive, to which I feel so so guilty), and now I want to drive back home. I feel guilty leaving her, but I also feel guilty like I am only spending time with her for selfish, comfort related, reasons since I know my SI has gotten so bad recently. I'm tired but I'm too scared to sleep. I want to be doing something with my hands. Driving sometimes helps take my mind off my trauma, but other times it makes it worse. I guess there is truly no avoiding thinking about it 24/7. When I was driving up here I kept thinking about how easy it would be to drive my car off the road and end it all... Except I don't want to die violently. Peacefully would be the goal if I decide I can't take the severe PTSD anymore.

Everytime I get in the car, I imagine it being the last time. I know I could never go through with it but the fantasy is sometimes the only small amount of peace I can give my broken down soul.

Maybe I will make the 3 hour trip back to my house.... I have become even more of a caffiene addict since his death. Getting my thoughts out on this website helps. Just the action of getting it all out there.

Anyways, I hope everyone who is still up and struggling with insomnia, fear of sleep, or anything similar gets some much needed rest soon or finds something good to occupy their minds. Life is fucking exhausting.

 

[Apathy's Girl]

I hope you make it back safely.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. It can be awful being unable to sleep. I can imagine it must be unbearable having to deal with PTSD, our own thoughts are capable of torturing us. This life is certainly exhausting. I wish you the best.

 

[SuicidalRN]

I hope you make it back safely.

I did end up making it back safely at around 7:30am. Thank you for the safe wishes on my drive.