Your final acts? How far in advance?

[sanctionedusage]

It might be tonight. I'll practice a hangmans knot once or twice more but honestly whatever I end up with will have to work. I'll have to disable a security camera in my backyard if I do it there or drag a ladder with me like the sketchiest weirdo ever if I go to the public park.

Its a bit late for me so I'm just spitballing here. I was thinking I'd like to donate all my clothes; they're literally all stuffed into garbage bags bc I don't have a proper bedroom or a closet/dresser to myself anymore. All packed and ready to bring to the thrift, but it just closed an hour ago. I think they'd just be thrown into the trash otherwise since my family 'doesn't believe' in donating clothing.

I have like a measly 2k to my name right now. Not sure what I'd do with that, maybe browse tiktok for someone looking for vet bill help or something like that and dump it all there. I could also leave it to my parents to take care of my cat but they're honestly fine financially. And it'd be suspicious.

I think that's all I have 2 garbage bags of clothes and $2k. Don't think I'd even need more than an hour to get all this "sorted" bc my life never even began.

 

[Harrier]

I wish you peace in whatever you decide.

Be safe, and travel well, whether in this world or beyond.

If you choose to stay here, me and others will be here to talk.

 

[wine is fine but]

i hope you are ok - one way or the other

 

[eggsausagerice]

thinking about you sausage ❤︎

 

[sanctionedusage]

thanks everyone. still don't know. drafted a LOI to be visible by first responders and then hopefully, medical examiner. deciding between tonight once i get it enveloped and protected, or waiting until i trap this one last feral cat with a newborn litter i planned to tnr this week and socialize. i just don't know what'd happen to the kittens after i kill myself, if theyd be dumped outside immediately instead of being socialized for 2-3 months and then put up for adoption. im gonna try to get that done today and reach out to a rescue to see if theyd take in the whole batch.

im so nervous ive been nauseous all day

 

[wine is fine but]

i saw the time you were last seen just after midnight (no doubt during the day sometime to you) and i thought you had gone

you have the rest of your life to leave this world, there is no need to rush, but - you "do" have to do what is right for you

hopefully everything goes well with the kittens. it is a real pity in this world when those who care the most about other living things have their issues generally dismissed by everyone else. in many ways, they cannot be blamed, because they are simply wired that way. they might be fortunate that they can turn off their feelings when confronted with other's sufferings, but it certainly doesn't make it easier for anyone like yourself who cares about everything, to somehow get through this existence

 

[sanctionedusage]

got the rescue's approval, have my supplies, just waiting for neighbor's permission to go into his yard late at night. while i have time, also sent a form for preplanning/funding the disposition of my body with a funeral home since its stronger than a LOI. no rush here, i probably wont be done with the cats until monday at the rate this is going.

thank you for the extremely kind words and hopefulness @wine is fine but

honestly most of what i'm doing is out of guilt and self comfort. i know for a fact that in the coming months, there'll be at least one 200 gram little body that gets mauled by dogs or crushed into the asphalt if i don't do the bare minimum of what i'm fully capable of right now. i recently said in another post that i wasn't going to feel guilty about ctb because i don't have any dependents, but i literally do. i'm just trying to ease the knot in my stomach.

 

[wine is fine but]

honestly most of what i'm doing is out of guilt and self comfort. i know for a fact that in the coming months, there'll be at least one 200 gram little body that gets mauled by dogs or crushed into the asphalt if i don't do the bare minimum of what i'm fully capable of right now

and why do you feel the guilt and self comfort - because you are not like most people - you care about other living creatures and do not wish them to feel pain or have their life ended prematurely even if your own life is seemingly unravelling before your own eyes that is a very special attribute in this world

i recently said in another post that i wasn't going to feel guilty about ctb because i don't have any dependents, but i literally do

you will feel guilty - virtually everyone does. you cannot get around it - trust me. there hasn't been a day go by in the last 44 years (at least) where i have not wanted to die, or said to myself (normally yelling it at clouds) "i hate this f##king world; why do i have to live in it"
i haven't tried since 1989, but when the thought seems to get serious, not just my loved ones come to mind, but also those who were born with major illnesses or disabilities, those who developed them as life went on, or those who were dealt the saddest and most horrifying injuries. how can i want to give up what is on paper (and also in reality), a very good existence due to my mind thinking different to everyone else. i would think that many more than 4,000,000,000 people would love to swap their life with mine, and yet, i can consider throwing it away so flippantly

i'm just trying to ease the knot in my stomach.

there is only one way you can get rid of that - i am honestly not trying to get all pro-life on you, but from personal experience that knot will be there once you start thinking seriously and stay until you somehow convince yourself to keep trying. obviously, there is another way it can almost certainly disappear, but that way, you will feel it for the rest of your life. as time goes on, the knot does get smaller and smaller every time, so make of that what you will. i hope you are able to make the correct decision for yourself, and if you choose one in particular, i hope it is everything you wished it would be, but until that time, comes, hopefully you can try to take enjoyment from the little things instead of just waiting aimlessly for the inevitable





it is weird though - probably most of us feel this way, but every time someone makes an attempt, i am filled with so much sadness for them - yet, when i think about it for myself, there is no sadness, no victim mentality, just that i have a job to do and a goal to achieve. it doesn't make sense, but . . . . what does

 

[sanctionedusage]

it is weird though - probably most of us feel this way, but every time someone makes an attempt, i am filled with so much sadness for them - yet, when i think about it for myself, there is no sadness, no victim mentality, just that i have a job to do and a goal to achieve. it doesn't make sense, but . . . . what does

i feel the same way. im sure most people here do. i can feel devastated that someone that writes paragraphs in a suicide forum likely wouldn't do the same for themselves with the same ease. but living with myself doesnt spark that same sympathy. probably, the actual point of society is built on this phenomenon, so everyone takes care of each other because human nature means people tend to dehumanize themselves.

suicide sucks. this is the first 100% intentional and serious attempt in my life, so the guilt is completely new to me. i wasnt expecting it to feel like this, but i guess ill have to accept that itll be the last thing i experience. i understand the appeal of hiring a hitman on yourself now.