arrowheads
I don’t need therapy, I need to be shot
- Dec 7, 2022
- 11
I saw threads of people who were considering different options for treatment resistant depression. Just want to share my experience and help those who are considering recovery.
During this summer I was hospitalized for two and a half months. I was transferred from one short-term inpatient hospital to a pretty infamous hospital in my area and received 5 treatments of ECT. My treatment team had anticipated 8-10 treatments.
It took a lot to be approved having to go through an interview process as well as getting my insurance to approve it. I'm located in the US so I am unsure of the process in other countries.
Up to this point, this was my 6th hospitalization in 10 years. I have tried nearly every anti-depressant as well antipsychotics. I have gone through cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, and trauma therapy. I have also had eight suicide attempts. So, a pretty heavy treatment resistant depression. I always relapsed. I am aware of other ECT patients needing both less and more requirements.
The ECT was done every other work day after a few days of being there. Typically, it was done on Monday's, Wednesday's and Friday's early in the morning. I had to fast for 12 hours, I was also not allowed to drink any water. I was told this would risk me throwing up during the treatment and would ruin that day's procedure.
They intravenously sedated me. The sedation felt as if it was an "icey fire" going through my veins. It did hurt for about 60-90 seconds before I went unconscious. I was told that the convulsions lasted for roughly 10 minutes and they would then wheel my stretcher out of the room, taking anywhere from 30 minutes to a hour to wake up. They monitored me for another half hour and then I would return to the inpatient unit.
As for the actual differences in my mood and behavior, I did notice I was a lot more optimistic as well as not being suicidal. I also did experience a lot of repressed trauma coming to the surface. I dealt and still continue to deal with a lot more flashbacks and nightmares than I did prior to the ECT. I also noticed both my short term and long term memory were affected. Both of them were already terrible but I noticed it was harder to recollect big events in my life, to remember phone numbers, addresses, the way to get home as well as what I had for breakfast. Or conversations with people I had just a few hours ago. I feel like a stranger in my own body.
I was feeling better for maybe a month. I was transferred back to the original short-term inpatient hospital as they were going to help me with a placement in a homeless shelter. Ended up being discharged early because I was assaulted by another patient.
I will say, ECT momentarily helped me. I am very grateful to have even experienced a relief such as that. I was told I would need to get ECT maintenance by a neurologist. I have not. To be completely transparent, I believe that being thrown into the shelter system added a whole new trauma to my list. That added with the recent loss of my dad who was all I had left completely shut my nervous system down. I'm more suicidal and depressed as I have ever been in my entire life.
So, to summarize, I do believe ECT can help. I have witnessed it as well experienced it for a brief moment. I think my personal circumstances definitely affected the long term outcome. But having gone deeper into my depression as well experiencing memory loss, I do not believe I will continue with the ECT maintenance.
I apologize for how long that was. If anyone has any questions I'd be happy to answer.
And please, if you have gone through with any procedures for treatment resistant depression, I'd love to hear your experience.
During this summer I was hospitalized for two and a half months. I was transferred from one short-term inpatient hospital to a pretty infamous hospital in my area and received 5 treatments of ECT. My treatment team had anticipated 8-10 treatments.
It took a lot to be approved having to go through an interview process as well as getting my insurance to approve it. I'm located in the US so I am unsure of the process in other countries.
Up to this point, this was my 6th hospitalization in 10 years. I have tried nearly every anti-depressant as well antipsychotics. I have gone through cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, and trauma therapy. I have also had eight suicide attempts. So, a pretty heavy treatment resistant depression. I always relapsed. I am aware of other ECT patients needing both less and more requirements.
The ECT was done every other work day after a few days of being there. Typically, it was done on Monday's, Wednesday's and Friday's early in the morning. I had to fast for 12 hours, I was also not allowed to drink any water. I was told this would risk me throwing up during the treatment and would ruin that day's procedure.
They intravenously sedated me. The sedation felt as if it was an "icey fire" going through my veins. It did hurt for about 60-90 seconds before I went unconscious. I was told that the convulsions lasted for roughly 10 minutes and they would then wheel my stretcher out of the room, taking anywhere from 30 minutes to a hour to wake up. They monitored me for another half hour and then I would return to the inpatient unit.
As for the actual differences in my mood and behavior, I did notice I was a lot more optimistic as well as not being suicidal. I also did experience a lot of repressed trauma coming to the surface. I dealt and still continue to deal with a lot more flashbacks and nightmares than I did prior to the ECT. I also noticed both my short term and long term memory were affected. Both of them were already terrible but I noticed it was harder to recollect big events in my life, to remember phone numbers, addresses, the way to get home as well as what I had for breakfast. Or conversations with people I had just a few hours ago. I feel like a stranger in my own body.
I was feeling better for maybe a month. I was transferred back to the original short-term inpatient hospital as they were going to help me with a placement in a homeless shelter. Ended up being discharged early because I was assaulted by another patient.
I will say, ECT momentarily helped me. I am very grateful to have even experienced a relief such as that. I was told I would need to get ECT maintenance by a neurologist. I have not. To be completely transparent, I believe that being thrown into the shelter system added a whole new trauma to my list. That added with the recent loss of my dad who was all I had left completely shut my nervous system down. I'm more suicidal and depressed as I have ever been in my entire life.
So, to summarize, I do believe ECT can help. I have witnessed it as well experienced it for a brief moment. I think my personal circumstances definitely affected the long term outcome. But having gone deeper into my depression as well experiencing memory loss, I do not believe I will continue with the ECT maintenance.
I apologize for how long that was. If anyone has any questions I'd be happy to answer.
And please, if you have gone through with any procedures for treatment resistant depression, I'd love to hear your experience.
