Yew attempt

[EternalSkies]

I earlier posted a thread where I attempted ingesting tea made on yew(taxus baccata) I did so twice. Im not sure what if anything happened more than stomach issues because I went to the hospital each time (because I wanted to feel safe). I had the thread deleted because I felt self-conscious about not succeeding etc. Im having a hard time seeing how my life will work out now after having spent 4 weeks in psychward where they made the outlook of my future worse in some ways. Although I received a bunch of love and met some lovely people. I even made an aquintance I think. Which was a pleasant surprise

Yesterday I felt hopeful about myself and life. Even today. But it sort of switched now, today. And even when I feel I want to live and feel hopeful. I have problems seeing how things will work out after missing exams and new courses. Not impossible to fix, but hard. Im recovering for suicide attempts and psychward. Not really ready to study yet. So yeah...

Although I do feel hopeful at times and do want to live. I still feel drawn to attempting again. Like a magnetic pull towards it. I can't help myself almost. I know its a bit silly. Its like im addicted. Or I can't stop once I started. I had this happen after my first attempt in 2020. It was hard to stop wanting to do it again, but I succeeded after feeling the temptation for like 2 years. But it was still there all those years and sort of made a comeback in 2022/2023. Somehow I avoided attempting again and held on to hope for so long until now, 2025.

Been to the psych emergency unit 4 times this past week just to avoid doing it. But I mean I can just leave whenever I want etc.

I might attempt again today. I wont consum all 50g of yew (which is very deadly). I will consume about half and let destiny handle the rest. I can't help it. Im not completely sure I will do it. But I might just do it today. And I was much more thorough with the tea this time. Spread the branches evenly in smaller amount of water. More color in the tea. Breathing in the fumes gave me a headache and nausea for 1-3 hours.

Not sure if it will be today. But I might just. I hope everything will be okay regardless what happens. I hope there is an angel or two by my side.
Worst case, I hope I go back be among the stars

 

[getoutgirl]

I'm so sorry you are going through that.
I also get those rollercoasters of days feeling hopeful and the next in utter desperation. Like you say It's a switch and feels so out of your control. I just try as best I can to hold on hard til the next one. And yeah the future dread is often overwhelming you just gotta look at your feet and stare at the tiny steps or it consumes you. The call to death is always there, some days louder, it's not silly at all and I know It feels anything but silly in those moments. This is all to say I feel you.

I will tell you what I try to tell myself and its that if there is still a part of you that wants to live, a voice of hope somewhere, try and cling to it. Cherish it whenever you can specially when it shines brighter. It's a flame. I try to keep that in mind while I accept that I will often forget it, just for how long it lasts and try to survive while I lack it.

I would not recommend you consume half a dose and leave it to destiny. That does not sound great and could get real awful. If you are unsure, If there is a part of your brain that's leading you to do it that way because of indecision, I think it is best you hold on on that. It is harder to not follow that impulse, to do nothing really, but in cases you are not completely sure I think it is not a good decision to do it that way.
I also hope things can be ok for you regardless, and that some easier days can come your way. Lots of love at ya <333

 

[EternalSkies]

Many wise views that you provide me with. They are inspiring, loving and helpful. But still I can't say what is best for me or what will or won't happen. Its comforting knowing I am not the only one going through the motions. Im glad that you yourself have found that flame and hope to hold on to.

Thanks for wishing me easier days and thanks for the love <3

 

[fallingleaves]

Is it easy to find yew online? I don't have a tree available

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find relief in whatever you decide, I wish you the best.

 

[SmilingNoMore]

I'm sorry for where you find yourself, you seem unsure and stressed, yet hopeful. From what you say, it sounds like you don't want to die but feel drawn to taking something you know are poisonous but think not enough to end your life. If you are hopeful to live like you say and not really planning to die, I hope you reconsider taking the poison as anything could go wrong, or you could end up visiting the psych ward like before. I hope you find the time to reflect on this, to make the best decision for you at this time, whatever that may be.

 

[EternalSkies]

Just wanna share my experiences so far:

Attempt 3 - 23 april:
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Ingested 5-8 g of yew. I cooked 12g for like 15 minute in a very small amount of water. It was so hard to swallow. That's why I didn't manage to swallow it all.
The only clear effect I noticed was stomach issues for 1-3 days. As I had before. And a slight effect on by breath/pulse 5-6 hours later after leaving the hospital to go home. Then in the psych unit where cops forced me to go. 6-9 hours later it showed sinus arrythmia. But I didn't feel it much myself.


Accidental attempt?
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Before attempt 3 I had made another batch of 50g yew tea. I didn't get to drink it as I managed to avoid it etc. But I inhaled fumes accidentally I right away got nausea and a headache for 2-4 hours. After 4-5 hours I became extremely tired. Like I couldn't hold my eyes open and barely stand. I could barely focus or talk to people. I felt very bad. Like it wasn't a normal type of tired. The tiredness lasted for 2-3 days. Im surprised I got these effects(I think) from just inhaling the fumes? It was a very hard experience. You would think being tired is fine. But this type of tired was extreme. Maybe it was a dying type of tired? I literally felt like I was struggling in my body somehow to just exist. I think it was the tea. Not sure. I know the headache and nausea was from the tea because it was instant. Pretty sure the tiredness was too. But im surprised how fumes gave me more extreme different effects than drinking the tea? Maybe cause I made 50g rather than 10-20g and accidentally inhaled it.

I was standing right over the fumes accidentally inhalign a major part of them that time

Im considering trying inhaling the fumes again to see if it was that. But that experience was much more extreme than drinking the tea. And I now know drinking tea can cause arrythmias. Although I am not sure what dose or whatever causes arrythmia. Both last times I have seen effects on the heart though. But 5-12g is just enough to affect me it seems. But its still highly dangerous. Hard to know where the lethal personal line goes too


Attempt 4 - 27th april:
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Ingested first 7g of yew at 8pm. Then another 4-5g between 11pm and 2 am. The hospital staff weren't aware enough to notice anything but I did (im talking effects on the heart). I was there for like 10 hours due to ingesting more. They usually check for 6 hours after ingestion.

At like 1 am my resting pulse went from 65-75 to 90-100. I could clearly feel my heart working a lot more than it usually does. This lasted for 30 minutes. Then it came and went a bit. I also had some palpitations at times. But staff didn't notice because they don't live monitor often enough and thoroughly enough to notice

As usual Im having stomach issues. Slight stomach pain and bloating. Not sure why this always occurs. But yeah
I accidentally cooked it for 25 minutes this time. Might have changed things for better or worse. The colour of the tea was instead of brown, this time extremely red.





FYI: It tastes so bad and is very hard to swallow. It takes me like 10-20minutes just to swallow 5-10g. And it is hard
I also accidentally inhaled a smaller amount of fumes from it earlier times too. I remember getting an instant headache and some nausea too then


Thinking if this will be my next attempt. Inhaling fumes from 50g

 

[EternalSkies]

Did it again between 12-15g I think.
It feels slightly like my heart flies for a brief second

 

[Daenerys Targaryen]

Again? Oh my goodness, anyway, good luck. Let us know how it goes.

 

[EternalSkies]

The heart is feeling a little fluttery. Apparently things can happen very suddenly without even knowing beforehand
Im too tired to go to the hospital and be monitored (its middle of the night)
going to sleep now. I'll be back here if Im not dead

 

[Daenerys Targaryen]

The heart is feeling a little fluttery. Apparently things can happen very suddenly without even knowing beforehand
Im too tired to go to the hospital and be monitored (its middle of the night)
going to sleep now. I'll be back here if Im not dead

Oh my God, I'm intrigued. Here I am, like your high school cheerleader. Just kidding, I hope you find peace this time.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

Very interesting choice of experimentation. My grandma's house had two yew trees flanking the front porch and I remember squishing the seeds out of the red berries and being emphatically warned not to eat them. I haven't seen them out in the wild around me. When I read about them as a method it said to harvest it in the winter for higher alkaloids. The thing about the fumes is great discovery. I'm thinking it was the essential oils or organic solvents evaporating. Now I'm wondering if a toxic plant sweat lodge is an idea worth exploring. Jimson weed grows around me but I don't want to go insane for three days before I die.

 

[EternalSkies]

Im alive still. My conclusion is 5-15g is just enough to be slightly dangerous (for me) given the yew tree I used.
Its had some effects all last 3 times.

Im going to drink the remaining 10-15g today just because I feel like. Not expecting much. But will let you know how it works out
Then I will try 30g (a known deadly dose in some cases) before like 5th june. Then I'll try 40g and then possibly 50g in june.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

Im alive still. My conclusion is 5-15g is just enough to be slightly dangerous (for me) given the yew tree I used.
Its had some effects all last 3 times.

Im going to drink the remaining 10-15g today just because I feel like. Not expecting much. But will let you know how it works out
Then I will try 30g (a known deadly dose in some cases) before like 5th june. Then I'll try 40g and then possibly 50g in june.

May I ask if you found the yew out in the wild or as a decorative in the suburbs or something?

 

[EternalSkies]

This one I found in a churchyard. It is more of a tree than a decorative thing there