woke up today, changed my sheets after 3 months.

[notevenhere]

had this conversation with a friend, and i feel more clear-minded and actually been okay. i feel social enough to reply to friends. i'm scared it's because my suicide kit backpack is finally complete. i also have the instructions for the SN method written in my notebook from 2022, im going to make usre everything is in there and a couple hundred dollars usd in it. i think i have the courage to turn my life around, move to HK and do new things bc if it fails, there's that plan B. you know?

but i do feel clear-headed rn, i have this pseudo-productivity for changing my sheets and drinking water and im about to shower.


anyways, im sorry, please dont judge me for anyone whos reading this. i feel really vulnerable rn. i guess i just wanna be praised for this, but i also don't know. i don't know. im confused. and i still wish for human connection. maybe when i finally escape this hell hole of a household, ill find the will to live again. i'm just banking on the fact i am in a good mood after cutting contact with the guy who kept treating me like shit and my life isnt centered around a man.

i still don't have a job but maybe if i live in a hotel for a month or two, find a job at a convenience store or fast food. id be free. my biggest dream is just to walk around at 2 am and smoke a cigarette at a random park sitting on a swing, its been my dream since 16 and thats all i always wanted to do in this lifetime. i dont have big dreams. i just want peace. thank you for reading,

i'll double check my backpack, and make sure everything is in there.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's absolutely a win. Definitely feel good that you did this. I hope the more motivated mood continues.

 

[primadonna_]

View attachment 195725
had this conversation with a friend, and i feel more clear-minded and actually been okay. i feel social enough to reply to friends. i'm scared it's because my suicide kit backpack is finally complete. i also have the instructions for the SN method written in my notebook from 2022, im going to make usre everything is in there and a couple hundred dollars usd in it. i think i have the courage to turn my life around, move to HK and do new things bc if it fails, there's that plan B. you know?

but i do feel clear-headed rn, i have this pseudo-productivity for changing my sheets and drinking water and im about to shower.
View attachment 195724

anyways, im sorry, please dont judge me for anyone whos reading this. i feel really vulnerable rn. i guess i just wanna be praised for this, but i also don't know. i don't know. im confused. and i still wish for human connection. maybe when i finally escape this hell hole of a household, ill find the will to live again. i'm just banking on the fact i am in a good mood after cutting contact with the guy who kept treating me like shit and my life isnt centered around a man.

i still don't have a job but maybe if i live in a hotel for a month or two, find a job at a convenience store or fast food. id be free. my biggest dream is just to walk around at 2 am and smoke a cigarette at a random park sitting on a swing, its been my dream since 16 and thats all i always wanted to do in this lifetime. i dont have big dreams. i just want peace. thank you for reading,

i'll double check my backpack, and make sure everything is in there.

Proud of you. I had a mdd episode I literally bled through my pants and onto my sheets and didn't change it for weeks, crazy what it can do to you. Glad ur getting better <3

also hi fellow nso fan

 

[notevenhere]

Proud of you. I had a mdd episode I literally bled through my pants and onto my sheets and didn't change it for weeks, crazy what it can do to you. Glad ur getting better <3

also hi fellow nso fan

i have mdd and gad i was diagnosed like when i was 18 and then it turned into smth even worse which is bpd - my doctor was the best in the city but after i admitted myself to the psych ward and it turned into a PD, he said he can no longer help me bc he doesnt specialize in PD. i struggled since, cos like, i cant afford to g o to different cities, hes already expensive as it is. yk?

i am in a bad place mentally and my parents arent good for me, i feel so alone but i have a bed, i have my pc, i dont pay for internet or rent, just my food and half the bills. im a NEET, cant find a proper wfh job bc the job market rn is trash. even if i did move out w the savings i have, id get a tiny tiny room with no a/c which is bad for me, and i rely on my meds and stuff, so id be unmedicated for a while, maybe even years, until i get a job.

like i know i cant live here forever and if i fail this, at least i know i have the SN Kit in my bag to exit. i think id rather die than be homeless.


yeah HUGE NSO fan, i bought the game DAY OF RELEASE back in 2022 when i was streaming and my bf at the time said she talks like me lmfao im not an ame/k-angel kinnie tho a lot of girls on shedtwt already kins her and like saya, but they dont actually read the visual novels and it irks me a bit. i hate to say its larp, but its larp.

 

[primadonna_]

i have mdd and gad i was diagnosed like when i was 18 and then it turned into smth even worse which is bpd - my doctor was the best in the city but after i admitted myself to the psych ward and it turned into a PD, he said he can no longer help me bc he doesnt specialize in PD. i struggled since, cos like, i cant afford to g o to different cities, hes already expensive as it is. yk?

i am in a bad place mentally and my parents arent good for me, i feel so alone but i have a bed, i have my pc, i dont pay for internet or rent, just my food and half the bills. im a NEET, cant find a proper wfh job bc the job market rn is trash. even if i did move out w the savings i have, id get a tiny tiny room with no a/c which is bad for me, and i rely on my meds and stuff, so id be unmedicated for a while, maybe even years, until i get a job.

like i know i cant live here forever and if i fail this, at least i know i have the SN Kit in my bag to exit. i think id rather die than be homeless.


yeah HUGE NSO fan, i bought the game DAY OF RELEASE back in 2022 when i was streaming and my bf at the time said she talks like me lmfao im not an ame/k-angel kinnie tho a lot of girls on shedtwt already kins her and like saya, but they dont actually read the visual novels and it irks me a bit. i hate to say its larp, but its larp.

Got diagnosed with 7 mental illnesses, i've been in treatment for years so basically the one that affects me the most now is my aspd. I'm doing better rn and I live in my sorority house which is pretty nice but I kind of hate everyone there but it's not like they're gonna know that. Honestly, i'm catching the bus as soon as my prime ends because I know i've never had any interest to sustain myself, get married or have kids. I mean I know it would totally be an option for me, but I just do not care enough to do it. Well at least you're trying for yourself that's something to be proud of.

And yes omg i just finished the game a few months ago on my switch and it's genuinely so peak but whenever i go on tiktok i see all these random girls talking about shit that's like totally different from the game and i get super confused like did they just not watch play throughs like what

 

[notevenhere]

Got diagnosed with 7 mental illnesses, i've been in treatment for years so basically the one that affects me the most now is my aspd. I'm doing better rn and I live in my sorority house which is pretty nice but I kind of hate everyone there but it's not like they're gonna know that. Honestly, i'm catching the bus as soon as my prime ends because I know i've never had any interest to sustain myself, get married or have kids. I mean I know it would totally be an option for me, but I just do not care enough to do it. Well at least you're trying for yourself that's something to be proud of.

And yes omg i just finished the game a few months ago on my switch and it's genuinely so peak but whenever i go on tiktok i see all these random girls talking about shit that's like totally different from the game and i get super confused like did they just not watch play throughs like what

GOD. how do you have SEVEN. i cant count that much. even if i did for myself. like, i have gad, mdd, misdiagnosed bipolar, bpd, undiagnosed cptsd, ed, ocd, aspd - wait okay thats like seven, already. i never knew ASPD was that debilitating, can i ask why? i thought its just when you miss social cues and cant do eye contact.

yeah, i imagine myself as a housewife and i feel like i would stick my face in the oven sylvia plath-style but without the kids, pregnancy would kill me. i am past my prime but being asian makes me look like i'm way younger than i actually am. still. nobody will want me at my age. so best for ne to ctb. thank u for reading

YEAH and they call it SO problematic like no its not we relate to her how is that problematic, i feel comforted knowing theres a representation for us in a character, people on tiktok DO NOT THINK at all.

 

[primadonna_]

GOD. how do you have SEVEN. i cant count that much. even if i did for myself. like, i have gad, mdd, misdiagnosed bipolar, bpd, undiagnosed cptsd, ed, ocd, aspd - wait okay thats like seven, already. i never knew ASPD was that debilitating, can i ask why? i thought its just when you miss social cues and cant do eye contact.

yeah, i imagine myself as a housewife and i feel like i would stick my face in the oven sylvia plath-style but without the kids, pregnancy would kill me. i am past my prime but being asian makes me look like i'm way younger than i actually am. still. nobody will want me at my age. so best for ne to ctb. thank u for reading

YEAH and they call it SO problematic like no its not we relate to her how is that problematic, i feel comforted knowing theres a representation for us in a character, people on tiktok DO NOT THINK at all.

I think you're mistaking aspd for asd (autism) LOLLLLL, aspd is anti social personality disorder aka sociopathy, psychopathy (which I do have apparently but it's not a formal medical term) is a different thing but it does overlap with aspd so a lot of "psychopaths" end up getting diagnosed with it. If you wanted to know what I have I have bipolar, aspd, adhd, mdd, chronic tic disorder, c-ptsd, and some other stuff I don't remember because I just don't keep track of it anymore. I think I have the list in another post tho, but the one that affects me the most is definitely aspd. If it's bad enough it completely shapes how you view the world, most of the time you do not feel for others or a whole lot in general, and when you do it usually manifest destructively. And when all these emotions like happiness, sadness and everything like that is muted you start looking for something that will make you feel something, which can be bad things like social aggression, criminal activity or even violence and murder. And even if you do not have a drive to do those things it's still much easier to do them because you have no internal moral brake to stop you. Lucky for me, for the majority of my adolescents I wasn't violent but my case was severe enough to the point where I had all the risk that treatment would help my behavior but there was the large possibility that I would never been able to feel like a normal person ever. I'm in college now, and honestly after living my adolescence out, it might just be my personality disorder talking but I'm totally fine with being like this. There's surprisingly a lot of pros to it especially if you aren't violent, most "psychopaths" have bolder personalities and can get by socially and it gave me a lot of friends and i'm pretty popular so honestly i'm doing just fine at the moment when it comes to that. When you live with it it really doesn't seem that debilitating, but looking from the outside perspective it can be debilitating to everyone around you and also when you think about how people are really supposed to feel. Honestly, I don't know if I want to, doesn't seem too great.

Also same wtf I would be a great house wife but you would have to pay me so much for that like honestly no way I could spend my life taking care of kids i would not be good at that wtf :(

idc what anyone on tiktok says kangel is the shit