Help Woke up not feeling suicidal...I don't like it

[cookiencream]

Yesterday I bawled my eyes out about being too scared to end it but not wanting to be here at all...I woke up not feeling like dying. It was so uncomfortable I don't like it at all. Weirdly enough I want to go back to feeling suicidal. Even the event that pushed be over the edge to ctb I'm now...okay with in a way. I think it's the meds working in a way + the crying. And I don't like it. It feels unsafe, like I can taste the crash coming because ik this is never permanent. Considering I was just suicidal yesterday I don't think this is going to last so I think I should be okay?

 

[r.m.216]

Yesterday I bawled my eyes out about being too scared to end it but not wanting to be here at all...I woke up not feeling like dying. It was so uncomfortable I don't like it at all. Weirdly enough I want to go back to feeling suicidal. Even the event that pushed be over the edge to ctb I'm now...okay with in a way. I think it's the meds working in a way + the crying. And I don't like it. It feels unsafe, like I can taste the crash coming because ik this is never permanent. Considering I was just suicidal yesterday I don't think this is going to last so I think I should be okay?

Or, it is going to last and being suicidal was a phase:)

Wishing you the best

 

[cookiencream]

Or, it is going to last and being suicidal was a phase:)

Wishing you the best

Well, that was a really long phase.

 

[r.m.216]

Well, that was a really long phase.

Think positively!!

 

[ForsakenEcho]

We can get used to feeling a certain way. Sometimes I catch myself feeling more comfortable when I'm sad, especially after spending long periods that way.
So when I find myself happy or feeling relatively okay, it feels a bit strange… but I think it's a good thing in the long run! I hope you keep feeling good! <3

 

[getoutgirl]

I live between days when I'm really suicidal, and if I had means for it I'd been gone long ago, and then other days like the one you're having today, in which things are okay to good. I'm used to those fluctuations during the week and, like you say, it feels like tasting the crash coming. That's a shitty side to it, but I've learned to expect it and ride the waves.
And for me, I like the good days. Sure they feel weird coming right after the awful ones, and it lifts that veil of comfort that suicidality offers, cos the scary world and its realities are still there... but suddenly you don't feel like doing anything about it, like the brain just forgor about all that, forgor to feel like it should. Enough time having them you get used to them tho, you enjoy them easier.

Don't know if it will go back to suicidality for u. In my experience probably but hey, above all I'd wish you slowly started feeling not-bad about not being suicidal. Rn might be scary and weird, who knows in time when those meds set off. Like I said, just hoping you can feel better about feeling better <3

 

[cookiencream]

I live between days when I'm really suicidal, and if I had means for it I'd been gone long ago, and then other days like the one you're having today, in which things are okay to good. I'm used to those fluctuations during the week and, like you say, it feels like tasting the crash coming. That's a shitty side to it, but I've learned to expect it and ride the waves.
And for me, I like the good days. Sure they feel weird coming right after the awful ones, and it lifts that veil of comfort that suicidality offers, cos the scary world and its realities are still there... but suddenly you don't feel like doing anything about it, like the brain just forgor about all that, forgor to feel like it should. Enough time having them you get used to them tho, you enjoy them easier.

Don't know if it will go back to suicidality for u. In my experience probably but hey, above all I'd wish you slowly started feeling not-bad about not being suicidal. Rn might be scary and weird, who knows in time when those meds set off. Like I said, just hoping you can feel better about feeling better <3

I guess I'm uncomfortable with the idea I have no way out. If I stop feeling suicidal then when I have a rough period, I actually have to get through it. Killing myself isn't an option and that sounds scary to me. This feels especially weird because I was experiencing depersonalization and derealization for a while. So coming back down from it and feeling "human" again makes me so uncomfortable. I don't like feeling connected to myself

 

[Dot]

Tbf th/ idea of suicde gves comfrt t/ sme ppl bcse thre = snse of contrl thre

1nce thse feelngs r gne thn wht els cn ur mnd hld on2 if = lookng fr tht contrl

Slf undrtsnd th/ uncertnty tho tht thse feelngs dsppearng = oftn follwd b/ crashng

cn only sggest tht whn u r feelng bettr t/ try 2 fnd postve dstractns t/ fcus on whle ur mnd = scannng arnd fr mre 'wht ifs'

 

[buoy]

Yesterday I bawled my eyes out about being too scared to end it but not wanting to be here at all...I woke up not feeling like dying. It was so uncomfortable I don't like it at all. Weirdly enough I want to go back to feeling suicidal. Even the event that pushed be over the edge to ctb I'm now...okay with in a way. I think it's the meds working in a way + the crying. And I don't like it. It feels unsafe, like I can taste the crash coming because ik this is never permanent. Considering I was just suicidal yesterday I don't think this is going to last so I think I should be okay?

Change is scary. The unknown is terrifying. You're still around and the only way forward is facing the unknown- in either direction. Don't put up barriers to yourself for experiences before the 'thing'. We often surprise ourselves when we imagine anything is possible. Not trying to be needlessly optimistic, but allowing anything to be the foundation of itself and possible, and not assigning good or bad to anything. Just the experience itself and being mindful of it- intentions can make the world of difference.

Sending love and hope for valuable/positive introspection.

 

[cookiencream]

Change is scary. The unknown is terrifying. You're still around and the only way forward is facing the unknown- in either direction. Don't put up barriers to yourself for experiences before the 'thing'. We often surprise ourselves when we imagine anything is possible. Not trying to be needlessly optimistic, but allowing anything to be the foundation of itself and possible, and not assigning good or bad to anything. Just the experience itself and being mindful of it- intentions can make the world of difference.

Sending love and hope for valuable/positive introspection.

I don't want to experience pain anymore, even if it means giving up all the good

 

[gggy]

The Last Psychiatrist: The Abusive Boyfriend

i read this once, it was worth reading, could explain something to you, especially on what you feeling, it's really short