Yeah I've had that thought multiple times. When it comes to fantasies to justify the guilt over causing loved ones pain that one is only second best to fantasizing everyone magically forgetting you had ever existed, that way they could still live their lives happily and you could end yours without remorse.
For some people that's kind of a reality tho, for those with no support network, shunned by society. I know that if I lived in the streets like that I'd waste no time ending my life knowing that would hurt no one. So we are fortunate in a very paradoxical way to have people that we can love....
I've also worried a lot about what others might think my reasons were. Like if something horrible happened to me (which I was also sort of wishing upon regardless) and then I died, people would have a kinder reading of it, more understanding and less blamey. But if I died idk, during exam period, even if I'm suicidal regardless of whether I had exams or not, well I don't want people feeling worse over thinking that I did it out of just stress and juvenile drama and they are to blame for not having helped me more or something.
You spend enought time suicidal like this, anchored by others, and you unlock tons of fantasies. The getting untreatable cancer one is pretty neat too, also in the same vein. The disappearing and faking it so it seems you've run away and are living your best life out there I liked that one a lot too, a bit too much. There are tons and it keeps the brain busy, lets it get close to that urge we can't satisfy.
In the end there is some solace in knowing that all the pain we get from hurting people that care about us is relative to the love we have for them. It's a good meter for that. Knowing that's the source of these thoughts and really acknowledging it can help you cherish those people even harder now that you can share a world with them. It helps me that way.
So I'm really sorry you are at a point your brain has to entertain these thoughts to just go by, I know how that feels, and I really wish you don't need to in time. That you can live and enjoy and love them. I don't know your circumstances, but If anything I hope you can do the latter, whatever you end up doing. Cherish them, rub that cat of yours, give an outlet to that love that's keeping you here, don't let only the guilt speak for it. Maybe I don't need to tell you that, but in case keep it in mind.
I hope it gets easier for you. Lots of hugs <3
