Venting wishing that i could disappear tonight

[monetpompo]

i'm still on a one way train to ruining what's left of my life. people give me advice i don't listen to because i keep mulling over suicide methods for half the day. i can't hang myself because i'm a coward and i'm worried about puking/pissing/shitting while unconscious. whenever i try to hang myself now i just start gagging and i feel like i'll throw up. some days i really wish that it would work out but i can't get myself to stand off the stool. today is a night where i could do it if i really wanted to, like all nights. i could just die. i don't want tomorrow to happen. i hate waking up because i'm so scared of another day of being alone. every morning i just think about how i could've killed myself to avoid seeing the sun again. opening my eyes and seeing my meaningless room with my cute knick knacks that were supposed to make me happy just makes me want to die instead. i just don't really care. i don't really care about anything. it's hard for me to ever think that my life is going anywhere other than suicide, so it just makes me want to drop everything i plan on doing and start running towards a bridge.

i can't take this feeling anymore and i know it's insufferable. i don't feel like anyone will ever care or take me seriously until i finally die. i think that the only people willing to me hang out with me anymore in my darkest headspace would be a hookup, but i still don't think anyone would be attracted to me. i'm just not good enough in people's eyes. i'm a placeholder person even when i'm naked. the more i think about it the more it just makes sense to die at this moment in my life, because i don't know how it could get any worse. i don't want to enroll back in college. i don't want to watch the new years fireworks. if i could die at this moment by laying on the road or on train tracks, i would. it's so pathetic that i would do anything to have the chance to drop dead besides do an effective suicide method. all the non-methods like ODing or drinking ethyl gylcol seem so much easier compared to hanging. thinking and talking about my life just makes me depressed. it's all downhill. no one even likes me or wants to hang out with me. i make everyone bored, sad, or frustrated. i don't want to be a burden. i wish being suicidal meant that you could die on command.

 

[Artemus]

I get you.
My life has hit a rock bottom so low that suicide seems like a logical thing to do in my situation. I am even too tired to even try to do stuff in real life that would help towards me commiting suicide. I am doing the bare minimum to keep myself out of temporary trouble. The future gives me anxiety.

 

[monetpompo]

mornings are awful. i tried to hang myself again and backed out because i get so scared and i hate not being able to breathe. i'm nowhere close to doing a full attempt with hanging and that makes me feel like scum. there's no one for me to text because my thoughts are too heavy and it's too early in the morning. if i get close to anyone right now when i have no one i can rely on i'm just going to get anxiously attached to them and hate myself. i almost wish that someone would manipulate me and try to control everything i do because that would feel much better than existing meaninglessly and wishing that i would die every day. i feel like i deserve to be in an abusive relationship more than a real relationship because i can never be loved enough to be in a real relationship. no one would ever want to date a person like me and i don't think that i would want to date a person that's interested in me, because i think that i'm awful to talk to and be around. sometimes hearing my own voice just makes me sick of myself, because i'd rather be quiet than talk about all the stupid things that are worrying me. i have basically no personality. i forget yesterday because i fixate so much on killing myself and my own misery. i genuinely just don't want to eat any food because it all sounds inedible and nauseating to me. crying means nothing to me anymore because i do it every day.

i hate being awake and i hate not being able to go to sleep. i hate researching ways to die that i can do from inside my house because i can't leave to go anywhere. i've become a shell of my former self. i wish that i'd just died before this. i'm afraid of myself. i'm afraid of how badly i don't want to be alone. my eyes are dull and unfocused. my brain is foggy. it's muscle memory for me to stew in my isolation and misery because i feel like no one is going to love me either way.

sometimes the hanging feels good. like i have some endorphins rushing for once, because i feel so numb for most of the day. it feels gross to admit that. trying to drop down from my stool still terrifies me, but struggling while keeping one of my feet on top of my stool makes me think i'm finally receiving punishment for being a bad person. i get so nervous and scared that it feels good because i'm feeling something besides my depression. i'm worried about getting addicted to it. the sleepiness that comes from oxygen deprivation afterwards gives me a brief sense of calm. i think the isolation is making me try to seek comfort in things that hurt me. i feel like i'd let anyone do anything to me as long as they let me go out with them or be their friend, even though i'm repulsed by people at the same time. this isn't a safe headspace to be in. i wish that being unstable meant that i'm more likely to die, but suicide is still hard. i don't want to injure myself by doing a method that doesn't work but i'm so desperate to stop existing.

 

[SpencerSees]

It's easy to get addicted to self destructive things like this. Pretty sure it's the same chemical reaction as cutting. Be careful not to slip and get the veggie treatment.

Ps love your pfp

 

[monetpompo]

​

my brain just overloads itself with thoughts about dying because my life is so empty that thinking about suicide and staring my screen is the most interesting thing i can do. i have driving lessons but i don't really care about getting my license anymore because i know i'll just attempt to kill myself immediately after i learn how to drive. that's the worst part. i could lay down and think about death forever. aspiring for stuff or trying to have hobbies just makes me more depressed. my tolerance for failure is so low that i give up on everything. i'm really uninteresting as a result. i just want to die. i know talking about it over and over will never help me. i feel too weak to do anything besides lay down. my head hurts. i don't want to go outside. i wish people would tell me they hated me.

the whole world moved on without me while i'm still here. i regret all the times i didn't kill myself. i know that everything i write sounds the same. i spent all of this morning just thinking about dying and really wanting a way to do it. i wish that i could sell my body or get killed by someone so that i can die like a bag of meat instead of a person. i'm not a person as long as i'm depressed. i need to make a bigger effort to kill myself, but that involves functioning in society by getting a job and stuff. i can't kill myself if i keep bumming around because i'll have no resources to. i wish that i got better before getting worse that i could kill myself whenever i wanted to. but i've just been steadily getting worse like a thermometer. some nights i blow up on people and i feel really guilty about it because i think that they shouldn't see it. it's kind of just suffering to know that you have people in your life but there's nothing they can do to even support you or make you feel better. because you're just like this. i'm making my life worse. no one wants to watch this happen to me in real time. it's gross.

when a person is met with constant anhedonia, sleeplessness at night and drowsiness in the morning, and constant intrusive thoughts, what do you say to comfort them? i just feel like all the things i'm whining about should be a reason that i should die. because what else am i going to do? what am i living for, if my baseline is perceived as perpetual mundane suffering? i've made so many posts over the course of this week that i feel embarrassed because i know that i'm only here to make things worse. i know that i'm constantly reinforcing a negative mindset by being on here daily. i did nothing with my day besides daydream about drinking drain cleaner and tried to estimate how long it would take for me to die. i know that i'm just a crazy loser. it's so hard to keep all of these thoughts to myself because i want to share them with people and i want them to care. but sharing never helps. i don't want to vent because i know it's the same thing every day. i write like i'm trying to expel ghosts from my head but the ghosts are still there because they're the only things that i know won't leave me. i feel like the human equivalent of rotting meat. i wish i could tell my sister i want to bash my brains in with a crowbar. she wouldn't know what to tell me besides "get a job" or something. i know she doesn't even understand or care because she's too busy. she's never been in a situation where everyone in her life wanted to get away from her.

 

[monetpompo]

And if you get the time
Would you call me?
Would you call me?
Would you call me?
Oh​

not sleeping tonight as well. i can't let go of my thoughts long enough to sleep. i think that i'm just writing in a desperate effort to feel less alone because there's no one in my life that's capable of sympathizing with how i'm feeling because they don't understand why i'm so sad. i'm nauseous and have a headache. it feels like i'll puke if i stand up. my driving lesson made me feel carsick earlier. sometimes i secretly hope that acting pathetic enough will make people want to pay more attention to me. that never works, though.

i can't seem to break away from the thought that i'm completely alone in the world. no matter what i say or do, i feel alone because i feel subhuman. and i can't begin to value myself until i see myself as a real human being with redeemable traits. i just think that i'm so bad that i can't be liked by others, so i run away from them. and then i have no one. i have nothing to talk about, because i obviously don't do anything with my free time. every night i feel haunted by the idea that i'm choosing to not commit suicide. attempting hanging just drains my energy so much. doing it repeatedly these last few days has taken a toll on me. there's no use in venting to anyone because everyone's so adverse to the idea that i want to commit suicide that they immediately want to end the conversation. but i'm still here with my thoughts and they're gone. it's just me. it hurts to realize that i've never deserved anyone's company in the first place and that they could always leave me. everyone can always leave me if they want to.

it's my fault that i'm not human. i looked at my face in another bathroom mirror and i checked to see if i'm still myself. for some reason, i don't think i am. i'm that same person. i'm the person on my permit and i'm the person that i was before i got left behind. why am i still me, after all this time? i always imagine that there's some fucked up creature that'll be looking back at me one day, but it's just me. when i think about it, i resent the person i used to be. he was happy, but he still had the same anxiety i'm holding right now, the feeling that everything would end and i would be all on my own. i'd choke the old me out and take his place, because i was so afraid the anxiety would kill me that i hadn't thought about what would happen if i lived. all i wanted to do was know when everything would get worse, but what if your life finally does get worse and you're still here? i don't know what else will soothe me besides finding a way to die. hanging just doesn't work for me. i have to figure out a way or i'm going to be stuck feeling the same anguish every night. you can't keel over from just a feeling.

 

[NutOrat]

when a person is met with constant anhedonia, sleeplessness at night and drowsiness in the morning, and constant intrusive thoughts, what do you say to comfort them?

I don't know. But, I will try to say what *I think* I would want to be told to me: Your pain is valid. It's real, and no matter how much you want to believe it is, IT IS NOT your fault. And yes, you're valid for feeling this way about yourself also, and for feeling all of these physical and emotional pains.

You're not "subhuman", because that isn't a real thing. Nazis invented it, and if there's anyone you should listen to the least in the whole world, it's nazis. You ARE human, because it IS human to feel all this pain. You might be more human than most, because you're not blind to reality around you, you're not trying to close your eyes and simply ignore it for the sake of survival. That is defiance of nature, and is indeed very human.

i wish i could tell my sister i want to bash my brains in with a crowbar. she wouldn't know what to tell me besides "get a job" or something. i know she doesn't even understand or care because she's too busy.

i think that i'm just writing in a desperate effort to feel less alone because there's no one in my life that's capable of sympathizing with how i'm feeling because they don't understand why i'm so sad.

It always comes down to this, doesn't it? Nobody is capable of giving us that sympathy, that understanding that we crave. Maybe they are capable, but seeing your pain forces them to confront reality, and they'd rather ignore it to protect themselves. And so the blame shifting starts. It's all on you, you're the one with the problem, we're all fine, so it must be you who's at fault. But they're all NOT fine, they're just putting on the protective shells to cover all of what's inside. You know, it's almost how it's so repusling for us to look at insides of our bodies, because it's showing how horrifying we truly are inside, and so you'd rather not think about it, and try to forget it. But it is like that, and I refuse to pretend it isn't. Life is horrifying, and I refuse to pretend it isn't. And I want to believe I am valid for feeling this way. And you are too.