Discussion Will it matter if you haven't tried everything or, done everything you wanted to do? Poll

[Forever Sleep]

I wasn't sure which section to post this. It's not exactly suicide focussed but, I suppose it's related.

I suppose you can take the question multiple ways too. As in- Have you tried all you think you want or should to recover- if you believe in that. Or, just generally- bucket lists or whatever else. Whether your life ends naturally or via your own hand, have you done all you wanted to? Do your hopes and desires even matter to you anymore?

I don't really care about what is expected of us with regards to 'recovery'. I dabbled with self help books, therapy, meds, changing diets, exercise and lifestyle, changing careers. I won't have done as much on my mental health as I'm sure the average pro- lifer would insist upon but, I don't care. I've done all I could stomach.

As for a bucket list. There used to be things I wanted to do. Some fairly far out wishes. I always fancied canoeing around a coastline or something. I don't have the fitness for it now and, I imagine the reality could actually be less pleasant than the dream. A fairly certain way to die actually- given just how unfit I am but then, drowning doesn't appeal. Just watery landscapes in general though, I love and I wanted to see. But, even there, I wonder if it's worth the effort and expense.

I live food but ultimately, it just makes me even fatter, which makes me more miserable. Maybe a few binges will happen before the end though.

I've come to the bitter conclusion that very little in life seems worth the effort though. I suppose, minus the SI in the moment, I feel like I'm content with the idea of dying and not being able to experience anything anymore. How about you?

 

[mysticatedwine]

i do not feel the need to experience more things than i already do. if i commit suicide, i won't have experienced "all" of the things i couldve experienced in life, but i won't be there to regret it. similarly, those who die of old age haven't got the time to experience it all either, a human life is too short for that

 

[Higurashi415]

Whenever I'm a human being as opposed to the husk of a human being there are a few things I want to do. Not many... but I don't have an exact list. After years of being tormented like this it's hard to even remember what I wanted to do before feeling like this... or maybe I've always felt like this.

As of right now, option 3 seems the most fitting, as laying in bed and sometimes eating is most of what I've done in the last 3 or so months. I couldn't focus on anything, I don't feel like I could've done much better than this if I tried.

 

[FadingSnowFake]

No, because when I end it, I'll just be done. Nothing will matter anymore, and there will be nothing worth staying for. Even now I feel like there's nothing left to do. When the one person who mattered most in my world left, I died within and whatever future things I may have had in mind disappeared. I realised too late what I really wanted, was just a peaceful life with this very same person.

I like your canoeing idea, maybe there is a less strenuous way to see the landscapes? I'm glad I ticked skydiving off my list (tandem jump), because ironically, I don't know if I'd want to jump out of a plane again.

 

[Dejected 55]

It won't matter after I'm gone... but it is the only thing that matters right now, because inability to do the things I've always wanted in life are exactly the reason I want to be gone.

 

[LackOfDetermination]

I never really had an exact bucket list, but there were a couple things I wanted to experience. I no longer care as much as i did, and as I didn't care all that much to begin with.... At this point I only feel like it's somewhat of a shame to not experience them, but that's it.

 

[Fadenself00]

psych meds have changed me so much that I literally don't have any reason to do anything that would have previously given me joy, because I can't experience these feelings correctly anymore, and it would just be torture..

 

[_Gollum_]

No because there's no longer anything I aspire to. I have momentary "wants," like being thirsty or hungry or tired, but no actual aspirations. But even if I did, it wouldn't matter to me because you can't take any of those experiences with you to the grave. Nonexistence will be the same regardless of your experiences; they only matter when you're alive. So I never really got the logic of doing something on your bucket list before you die. For example, a lot of people want to lose their virginity before they die, but I was a virgin when I made my attempts and that fact didn't bother me. I actually wanted to continue that way because I wanted to die as I lived.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

It's complicated. I have a long list of regrets, some of which were my fault, others which weren't. I believe that my life took a wrong turn at a very early age, and put me on a one-way path to something that later turned out to not be possible for me. This left me feeling very lost and disoriented, as if my life has no purpose.

 

[Forever Sleep]

No because there's no longer anything I aspire to. I have momentary "wants," like being thirsty or hungry or tired, but no actual aspirations. But even if I did, it wouldn't matter to me because you can't take any of those experiences with you to the grave. Nonexistence will be the same regardless of your experiences; they only matter when you're alive. So I never really got the logic of doing something on your bucket list before you die. For example, a lot of people want to lose their virginity before they die, but I was a virgin when I made my attempts and that fact didn't bother me. I actually wanted to continue that way because I wanted to die as I lived.

I guess it's simply to do (hopefully) pleasurable things, while we are still able to feel pleasure. Of course, that does depend on us still finding joy in things and, the practicalities of whether it feels worth the effort.

 

[_Gollum_]

I guess it's simply to do (hopefully) pleasurable things, while we are still able to feel pleasure. Of course, that does depend on us still finding joy in things and, the practicalities of whether it feels worth the effort.

Yeah, that's a big caveat. If you are no longer able to feel joy or pleasure, and if your battery is so low that even "good" things just deplete your energy stores further--assuming you even have enough energy to go through with them--, what's the point?

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yeah, that's a big caveat. If you are no longer able to feel joy or pleasure, and if your battery is so low that even "good" things just deplete your energy stores further--assuming you even have enough energy to go through with them--, what's the point?

True. I think that's the unfortunate reality for a lot. I suppose we can still lament the time we did enjoy stuff and, had dreams- if we ever did. Sometimes, I suppose I sense a: 'Is there any way back?' in people. Maybe it's just wishful thinking too. We may still wish we could do that certain thing and that it would mean something.

 

[Namelesa]

Only things that would matter for me to do them before I am dead are things that effect others (like whatever games I make) but nothing with myself as I find that my life serves 0 purpose to me as I don't care about being happy and just don't want to suffer so death is best for me but my life can still be helpful for and able to serve others in the now which I would say would matter.

 

[Aergia]

True. I think that's the unfortunate reality for a lot. I suppose we can still lament the time we did enjoy stuff and, had dreams- if we ever did. Sometimes, I suppose I sense a: 'Is there any way back?' in people. Maybe it's just wishful thinking too. We may still wish we could do that certain thing and that it would mean something.

Sometimes, it starts with losing the capacity for joy, pleasure, meaning, etc.—followed by losing the desire for those things, followed (again, finally) by losing the desire for the desire.

Certainly that's how it's been for me. Only thing keeping me here is fear.

 

[EternalHunger]

I don't think I ever had anything I particularly wanted, maybe just some long-lasting connection in my life that I won't just screw over but that's just wishful and dangerous thinking; it doesn't really matter whether or not there was something as I simply don't feel as though I deserve that kind wish fulfilled nor do I really feel much at all about anything, it's all just a blur rn.

 

[qw3rty259]

Yes, and I tried to do everything I could, but life steadily cuts off any opportunity for me to enjoy life and made me unable to pursue my passions anymore. So, that's frustrating. But it's also reassuring that i have nothing to do here anymore and that it's really time for me to catch the bus.

 

[starboy2k]

I can barely afford a full cart of groceries let alone afford to do things on a supposed "bucket list". A bucket list is redundant.

 

[_Gollum_]

Sometimes, it starts with losing the capacity for joy, pleasure, meaning, etc.—followed by losing the desire for those things, followed (again, finally) by losing the desire for the desire.

Certainly that's how it's been for me. Only thing keeping me here is fear.

You articulated this feeling perfectly.

It's been that way for me, too. In the beginning, when I first lost the capacity for positive emotions, I suffered with a lot of nostalgia for my past; I desperately wanted to go back to a time when I was able to feel all that. But for the past two or so years, that nostalgia has just been totally absent. Everytime I think about going back, I just think, well, but then I'd still have to live...

I no longer have any desire to feel good, and that's not something that I really want to change.

 

[Forveleth]

The idea of a "bucket list" is highly romanticized and is in no way a reflection of reality at all. To have most experiences you need either contacts, money, opportunity, and/or time. The vast majority of people do not have the combination of these things to do 90% of the things that they want to do.

I realized that even if I lived to 100, I would probably never accomplish most of the things on my bucket list, so why does it matter if I am dead earlier? Living only grants me time, not the money or opportunity.