Help will be going to an inpatient program Sunday, help coping until then

[wishingonstars]

Just what the tittle says.

I am finally getting into a program (not a hostpital!) after months of bullshit. Had to find a place because there's nothing even halfway decent in my state, then switching insurance which was insane, figuring out how to get on FMLA for work, and finding a good date, now I am finally going. Also my new insurance is great (even if it is a massive financial drain especially long term) and my stay will be covered 100%

I have no idea how I have made it this far without killing myself. In part I think it is not wanting to cause friends and family pain but also not having everything I needed for my method and not having the bandwidth to write letters/prepare.

Now it is in 3 days but somehow I'm worse than ever which is saying something. I'm scared of change and have some trauma from a multiple months inpatient hospital stay as a teenager so I think that is probably some of it. But I really don't know how I am going to make it through these next few days. Both of my roommates will be gone tonight and I don't work tomorrow so nobody would be there to worry about where I am if I just checked out a motel room and ended things. I'm so close to being in this program, I've been telling myself for months that I need to try this and if it doesn't work I can finalize my plan - if I did end up CTB after the program I would want it to be well planned and scheduled not impulsive also. Really I should wait at least until my sibling is done with school and well established in a career which will be a while, also waiting until my 30's or 40's seems better because then I could really say I had tried everything and waited it out and still nothing worked. I have been actively suicidal on and off since I was 8 and in therapy since 4 and on meds since 15 so it's not like I haven't tried but I guess my brain still has a bit of developing to do still and all that (early 20's). Anyway I want to die, I'm 100% certain of that but it currently doesn't feel like the ethical thing to do because there's still more to try and it would devastate a ton of people (I have a good circle of friends and family who are very supportive and would probably also blame themselves as most of them know I am suicidal).

Anyway I'm sorry that was so long but does anyone have advice for how to keep it together for the next few days and also maybe get the motivation to clean my room because I've got mice and would like to take care of that before I leave so it's not terrible when I get back?

 

[TBONTB]

Hey, take care of yourself. That's a lot.

I don't know how good my advice is, but I'll throw a couple of things out there.

You said you had good friends. Can you make some "dates" with some of them. A coffee, a meal, or even just a phone call. Just something on you calendar to fix to.

On the room, definitely makes sense to give yourself something clean to come home to. Throwing out a couple of ideas. One is to give yourself a mini-goal...like 15 minutes of cleaning and then a game. Or one category...all the clothes on the floor and then I'll rest. Another is to ask a friend to come sit with you while you do some cleaning.

Good luck!

 

[LaVieEnRose]

What kind of impatient program is it? Like a residential?

If this is something novel you haven't really tried you could be encouraging towards yourself and fry to foster hope that it will be of use. Make it a mantra you can repeat to yourself. Try to separate it from the trauma you experienced younger since it is something different (hard to do I know). Engage in your typical self-care, especially things that might be hard to do while in treatment.

Not sure about summoning the motivation. Sometimes you just have to muster it up. But it could be a good activity to distract yourself from your worries plus you know it is in your interest to not cause problems for yourself later down the road. Could do if in steps rather than just one big process.

 

[wishingonstars]

Hey, take care of yourself. That's a lot.

I don't know how good my advice is, but I'll throw a couple of things out there.

You said you had good friends. Can you make some "dates" with some of them. A coffee, a meal, or even just a phone call. Just something on you calendar to fix to.

On the room, definitely makes sense to give yourself something clean to come home to. Throwing out a couple of ideas. One is to give yourself a mini-goal...like 15 minutes of cleaning and then a game. Or one category...all the clothes on the floor and then I'll rest. Another is to ask a friend to come sit with you while you do some cleaning.

Good luck!

Thank you for the advice, I now have a friend coming to my place for lunch tomorrow :)

As for your second piece of advice I will try those things, I also have a focus app that helps. I think most of it is that I know I won't be able to get it completely clean and that is stressing me out. I need to let go of that expectation because something is better than nothing but anxiety is tough.

Thanks! I am feeling slightly better, I did well at work today and was able to make a document for the things I did not complete that will need to be done by someone else while I'm gone. My desk was a mess and I cleaned it before I left and realizing I would not be there again I think until the beginning of December made it all feel more real than it had before. It was weird but it was felt good to wrap up the loose ends for one piece of my life. Next I will need to wrap up as much as I can with my room, spend some extra time with my cat (she has bad separation anxiety), and pack to go.

What kind of impatient program is it? Like a residential?

If this is something novel you haven't really tried you could be encouraging towards yourself and fry to foster hope that it will be of use. Make it a mantra you can repeat to yourself. Try to separate it from the trauma you experienced younger since it is something different (hard to do I know). Engage in your typical self-care, especially things that might be hard to do while in treatment.

Not sure about summoning the motivation. Sometimes you just have to muster it up. But it could be a good activity to distract yourself from your worries plus you know it is in your interest to not cause problems for yourself later down the road. Could do if in steps rather than just one big process.

Yes it's a residential mental health and substance use treatment center, one month long stay. I'm going just for the mental health aspect and this place looks promising because their main focus is mental health and there's none of the 12 step shit involved. It's voluntary and I can leave at any point and it is in a house not hospital.

And I have not tried this type of program so I am holding out hope, I have done other types of programs before that helped a lot though (an outdoor program, backpacking for around 5 weeks I think) the thing is the help seems temporary and getting back into regular life after being in any sort of intensive program is hard, even the inpatient hospital. My hope is it will put me on the right path though and things will greatly improve at least for a few years. I think I will still perfect a ctb plan but only as a backup if things do improve.

The self care idea is good, there's really not much I won't be able to do- we even get tablets with Audible, Spotify, and Zoom on them. I'll think of possible things though, in the least I can go on a walk by myself. They say there is hiking but I do enjoy walking and hiking alone and that will be with a group.

Thanks for the advice!

 

[TBONTB]

Wishing you good healing. It sounds promising!

 

[wishingonstars]

Wishing you good healing. It sounds promising!

Thank you!