Venting why was I born in this family

[quietly_gone]

I don't like any of these people and none of them like me either and I wish not getting along was our only issue. There's illness, addiction, abuse- to wake up every day only to realize I'm still under this roof makes me so miserable.

I wish my days didn't immediately start in tears, maybe then I could manage to work through all of this. If I was stronger I'd be able to leave all of them behind but I can't, financially or psychologically (please don't tell me I'm staying because I want to, I'm just venting and I don't like giving too many details about my situation. I'm truly stuck).

There's so much I'd grieve. I don't know what it is, love or duty. Maybe they're simply too good at making me internalize I'm a horrible person. I wonder what is the thing that makes me feel so tied to people that destroyed my sanity to pieces.

Sorry for another rant about the same thing. My mom is hospitalized. We're waiting for our state to find her a spot at a bigger place so she can have a surgery done. It's apparently nothing much, but I'm not feeling very positive. As I've said, we have a history of illnesses. I'm spending every minute I can with her because I understand how draining it can be to stay alone in an empty hospital room, and I'm trying to not let my brothers put her under any more stress. They want money, they want the keys to the house that they can't take care of (and often steal from/let strangers in) and I'm doing what I can to be here and there almost simultaneously.

I'm so stressed I can barely take care of my own body, I already suck at doing that in normal circumstances because of depression but now I just don't have the time. I feel weak in every sense of the word. I'm tired of people staring because I look horrible and messy. And I have to keep up appearances when my friends try texting me because if anyone realizes I'm thinking about suicide again it's going to be such a pain to hear any kind of pep talk.

I keep thinking about how I hid my pain so well people don't know the extent of it, don't know how fucked up my family is, don't know how many times I've attempted and how deep my depressive episodes go. I hid it so well they think it's all solvable. I don't want to tell them the truth though. I don't want to burden anyone. They're going through stuff too.

I hate the fact that there's another day to live tomorrow, my chest hurts just thinking about it.

 

[quietly_gone]

I'll just use this thread to vent. A nurse just came into our room and started stalking about how her mom died from the same condition my mom currently has. I would be kind of mad, but my mom wants to get the fuck out of here because she's currently asymptomatic so she needed to hear that, no matter how difficult it was. I too can see now that the situation is even harder than I supposed it was. I don't think life is going back to normal.

I need to find a job soon. I need to get my own place because if she goes I'll be alone with my brother and I don't need to explain how bad it is to live with an addict much older and much bigger than you, specially one who has been physically violent before. I don't even know how we're going to support ourselves without her.

I've been trying to find a job for two years to no avail. The only ones who gave me a chance would make me work until late which is not a problem on itself. I live in a dangerous neighborhood and walking alone in the streets after 9pm is basically begging to get mugged. Which is also why I don't trust my brother with the house alone. He comes home drunk and leaves the door open.

I wish I could stay here with her and at least offer some kind of company even though I'm currently so unable to speak without breaking in tears. But I can't leave my cats, which are basically my lifeline right now, and neither can I let my brother destroy the house. Again. What little we have left.

Anyway. My birthday is coming up. My close friends are preparing gifts for me. I wish it could uplift me somehow, but I know it won't. I'm just grateful already. I'll practice some smiles to show that.

My mom wasn't the best mom, although now that I'm close to losing her my memories want to make it seem like she was. I don't really care about the past right now anyway, the important is how I'm currently feeling, and I'm feeling miserable that I may be alone in this world soon. If she goes I'll go too I guess, it's almost funny how little sense it makes for me to stay. I should've had my life together by now, but I needed to take care of her, still do, so I couldn't work anything out. I'm still sending out resumes, but having her at this shitty hospital, I don't know how I could leave to go to work.

Kind of a messy ramble. Dreading going home today. Dreading staying at the hospital. Just pure dread.

 

[quietly_gone]

It's been a hellish week... I can't remember the last time I ate a proper meal. The house is always messy when I come back from the hospital because my brother is a disgusting pig. I clean until I get tired or sad and then I sleep until it's time to shower and go back to the hospital again.

I wish I could play with my cats more. I always cry when I'm with them now because I know I won't be with them for long. I'm taking good care of them, I know. But I feel so distant.

I thought telling other people about this routine would be enough for them to put 2 and 2 together and realize that I'm miserable but I guess not. I don't understand how no one seems to grasp this fact. I think I've played the "it's tough but I can take it" card for too long. I've been open about my mental health, even my suicidal tendencies, but every time I'm in a bad place mentally everyone wants to brush it off so quickly.

Today I was giving my friend an update on this situation and she was like "oh that sucks. I have a day off today, do you wanna play games later?" and I couldn't even formulate a reply. I just told you my mom is hospitalized and being really really difficult, that I'm at risk staying home alone with a man who traumatized me and you somehow think I have any desire to play video games? Even without all my history with depression and suicide. How do you ask someone that?

On the same day another friend texted me asking what I was going to do for my birthday which is coming up this week and I still don't know what to say. I'm sleeping at a hospital. I've told you I'm not mentally well. Why do you think I would do anything for my birthday? Am I being too vague when I say this? I know they don't mean any harm. Am I being salty over nothing when I feel hurt that people want to so bluntly ignore what I'm going through?

I try my best not to let my depression alienate me but this is really driving me crazy. I do everything I'm supposed to. I talk. I'm open about how I feel. If anyone asks, I don't hide anything. When I CTB are people going to say I didn't give any signs? When I was telling you I was sad you were pretending not to listen. I don't want any more attention, I just don't know how to lie and cover up things. Seems like I don't even need to because no one believes me. I think I'll soon get tired of trying. I've always been desperate for connection and understanding, but I think this is one thing I'll never be able to make others understand.

I'm thinking about buying a rope and start testing things out. I just need to get the artery thing right. I'm worried about marks it could leave on my neck though, so I'm going to have to wait until my birthday passes to make sure no one's going to see me in person.

SN is still a viable option but I'm tight on money. I'm keeping an eye out on sources though. I'm getting worried because there seems to be less of them every day here in my country. I'll get mine as soon as I have money on my hands. Wish me luck.

 

[sovcat]

Sorry for awkwardly interrupting your chain of thoughts.

Feeling trapped in a family you didn't ask for is very relatable and I'm sorry for the situation you're going through. It cannot be understated how this "trapped" feeling can make someone feel so hopeless. Freedom feels like fresh air I'll never breathe, at least not in the physical world that requires financial freedom that is so hard to obtain.

 

[annique]

Sinto muito pelo que tá passando. Minha mãe também tá passando por uma situação difícil no momento, e meu aniversário tá chegando também. Me identifiquei com vc também em outros tópicos que apresentou.

Infelizmente, não tenho muitos conselhos pra te dar nesse momento, mas desejo a vc as melhores coisas do mundo.

 

[quietly_gone]

Sorry if I can't use this thread to vent, mods are free to delete if that's against the rules. Other people can vent here too if they want, I don't mind. I enjoy listening (or reading, in this case).

My mom has left the hospital of her own will. I couldn't do anything. My brother (the one who has it "together" the best- he manages to make a living for himself, so that's something, but he's still an asshole and an addict, but the kind that's able to support themselves) took us home with his car. I spent the whole ride crying silently, afraid and anxious. I put myself to bed and my normal dose of sleeping meds weren't able to shake my anxiety off. I took more than I usually do and woke up so tired I could barely stand. I sent resumes out of fear. I stared at the wall trying to think about what I can still do, if there is an option I haven't yet considered. Nothing. I couldn't eat, I couldn't talk to my friends, I couldn't do anything because I am afraid my mom is going to die.

My birthday came. My friends gave me nice, thoughtful gifts. It made me wish I could sleep all year long and wake myself up when it's close to their birthday just to prepare them a gift. They're a nice distraction, but once they say goodbye, I have to go back to my family and feel miserable again. At least my mom didn't make a fuss about my unwillingness to party like she did all these previous years. I woke up the next day and thought about how it all went... It felt like the universe was being kind and mean at the same time, showing me love but making it clear I would never fully have it.

I have to go pick up my meds and I know that's depression talking but I really don't see the need to stay on them anymore. I don't like how they make it easier to turn my back on things. The only way I could ever solve this is by going through it, not by taking a pill and going to sleep or numbing myself. It feels like I'm prolonging my suffering for no reason.

My mom has a medical exam tomorrow and I can't go - won't go, because she's siding with my brother and wants to leave the house alone with him. I won't. I fear for my cats, for my belongings which I've worked hard to buy (I have a remote job that helps feeding the cats, going to see the doctor and help out with the bills, but it pays very little. Every thing I bought took me months of saving). We've been robbed before because of this. I don't understand why she thinks this way. He's not a trustworthy person. I proved it to her a thousand times. He proved it to her as well and didn't even need my help.

She also didn't go to an appointment yesterday because I told her I would stay to look after the house. That made her mad, and her way of taking it out on me was neglecting her health. When she's in pain again and we need to call an ambulance and find a hospital to take her, I'll be the one by her side, not my brother. He'll be passed out, drunk. I am always with her and yet I am always alone because of her. It hurts.

I just want to find a job and leave. If I do, I'll give life a try. I promise I will.

 

[quietly_gone]

Had a fight with my mom about finding a job. I understand that she's old and doesn't know how things work nowadays, but I can't help being frustrated. I'm not lazy. My first thought when I wake up in the morning is that I need to find a job, I need to leave. I wake up at 7 to make me feel less miserable about myself, but it ends up having the same effect waking up at 9 or 10 would - I just think "I'm home. I should be working."

How tiring it is to have everyone around you say you're not even trying when it's currently your biggest source of anxiety and fear. Who wouldn't try? I live with an alcoholic, a compulsive liar who promises he'll beat me up one day and threatens my pets. I hate my family and they hate me back. Who wouldn't be looking for a way out? I'm trying to build a life, even if no one believes me, even if no one sees my efforts, that's what I'm doing, but I wish it'd work, not to shut everyone up but to finally set myself free from this hell.

I dream about a life that isn't even good. I dream about a life that is probably mediocre. I dream about a life that I'd probably complain about. But it'd at least be a life where I'd try finding things to fight for. It'd be a life that would give me a roof above my head and food to eat every day. It'd be a life of my own. Why can't I have that? Why must I be here? I'm not asking for much. I don't know what it'd ask for if I could, besides the bare minimum. I have never had the imagination to think about life beyond that.

I don't know where this last bit of strength is coming from. Maybe anger. I don't know how I've made it until here, despite being in this state of deep hopelessness. It feels like torture the more I think about it, not "trying".

 

[Thanatos.br]

Sinto muito que esteja passando por tudo isso, em certos pontos me identifico com seus problemas, minha vida com minha família parece uma prisão, mas no meu caso é pq minha mãe depende financeiramente de mim e eu não conseguiria sustentar 2 casas, então tenho que morar com ela e com isso vem todo o pacote problemático. Também já tive essa ansiedade com relação ao trabalho quando era mais novo, pq meu pai sempre pressionou por isso, sempre desprezou quem não trabalhava chamando de vagabundo e etc, tanto que com 15 anos já me colocou pra trabalhar de servente de pedreiro. Provavelmente vc já avaliou isso, e sei que é bem concorrido atualmente, mas já tentou prestar concursos? Às vezes tem alguns municipais que chama bastante gente, o que estou por exemplo, já estão chamando os colocados nº 300, o salário é ruim, mas acho que vc consegue se ajeitar, talvez um pontapé pra melhorar a vida. Enfim, desejo que você consiga sair dessa e dias melhores venham.

 

[quietly_gone]

Sinto muito que esteja passando por tudo isso, em certos pontos me identifico com seus problemas, minha vida com minha família parece uma prisão, mas no meu caso é pq minha mãe depende financeiramente de mim e eu não conseguiria sustentar 2 casas, então tenho que morar com ela e com isso vem todo o pacote problemático. Também já tive essa ansiedade com relação ao trabalho quando era mais novo, pq meu pai sempre pressionou por isso, sempre desprezou quem não trabalhava chamando de vagabundo e etc, tanto que com 15 anos já me colocou pra trabalhar de servente de pedreiro. Provavelmente vc já avaliou isso, e sei que é bem concorrido atualmente, mas já tentou prestar concursos? Às vezes tem alguns municipais que chama bastante gente, o que estou por exemplo, já estão chamando os colocados nº 300, o salário é ruim, mas acho que vc consegue se ajeitar, talvez um pontapé pra melhorar a vida. Enfim, desejo que você consiga sair dessa e dias melhores venham.

Estou pensando em concursos também, mas eu acreditava que todos eles eram muito concorridos então nunca tentei. Vou buscar informações sobre os municipais. Obrigada pela ideia. Espero que a sua situação melhore também.

 

[quietly_gone]

Hi. I'm back to my little thread because again I've bottled up my emotions so much I can't possibly explain how I feel to anyone else. If it wasn't for my cats I'd give up on making money entirely. These days I've felt so numb, I feel bad for everyone around me. I probably come off as annoyed, but I simply don't know how to respond to things. I bought my friend a gift I can't really afford to show her how grateful I am for having her put up with me. I didn't really say it that way, but I hope it showed her how much I treasure her. Even if my words and actions are unable to show that.

As for my family, everything is still as awful, if not worse. I hate my brother so much. I'd give anything to have him gone. I'd give anything to never look at his face again. My mom's health still worries me, but recently she consulted another doctor who reassured her that she's okay. I didn't believe it, but because she's asymptomatic she took his word. He said her symptoms were probably not coming back. I'm not one to disagree with doctors, but 2 have said one thing and this guy comes in and says another, so I started having doubts. A few weeks pass and yesterday she started feeling pain again. I wanted to go to the hospital immediately, but dreaded the stress that it'd be to convince my brother to stay at home. He's an alcoholic who steals things from us and we can't possibly leave the house on his hands. Either he stays in, door locked, or out. And I promise this is not me overthinking things. I've had a lot stolen from me by him and by people who broke in because he left the house alone with the door unlocked. I've come home to an unlocked door so many times. I'm lucky someone broke in only once.

He didn't want us to lock the door and leave him there, so he simply sat on the doorstep and refused to get inside. I locked the door and said he'd stay outside then and went to my aunt's car (she was giving us a ride to the hospital). My mom was angry at me, saying I was creating problems on purpose, and I would've cried from exhaustion if it wasn't for my aunt being there. I said I didn't want to lose, again, the things I worked hard to buy. Or the things she also worked hard to buy. She knows how he is and how we can't trust him at all but still clings to every lie he says.

Suddenly I was the shit daughter, even though I took care of her all night, stayed with her for 2 weeks at the hospital the last time she had to go, took care of the house and everything else I possibly could while her son would do nothing but threaten me with violence because I'd lock the house when leaving for the hospital. I couldn't say anything that hadn't already been said so I got off the car and went back home. I'm in my room now and I do feel like a shit daughter. I just want him to cooperate when she's sick. That's all I'm asking for. I don't want to come home and see my room thrashed again because someone broke in. We don't have money for a security system and even if we did does it really matter when a thief lives with you? All I can do is lock my door but I know that doesn't really prevent anyone from breaking in.

I'm so tired. No matter what I do I always end up feeling awful. If stand up for myself, I feel guilty. If I don't, I have things taken away from me, get beaten, whatever. I just don't see how this life could possibly change. Let's say a miracle happens: someone finally hires me and I get to leave. How am I going to live with the guilt of leaving my mom alone with an alcoholic monster? Everyone gives me such simple solutions and I'm so tired of explaining that it isn't easy like that.

I'm in this weird state of anxiety that won't let me think about anything, I can't even plan CTB. I immediately feel guilty, like I'm faking it or simply weak. The hours don't pass, the days drag on and every second is miserable. I just want to feel peaceful enough so I can end this.

 

[quietly_gone]

Hi SaSu, I'm here again. I have not forgotten about this place. I've been trying to get better, but my life keeps getting worse. I don't even have the energy to put it into words.

I've lost friends because of how weak I've been. I can't speak. I can't explain what's wrong anymore because I'm so tired and everyone takes it all so personally... I'm tired of texting, of trying to go out and coming back home feeling miserable. I've really tried my best, I've really approached life with an open heart and I really think it's a miracle that each of us is able to live despite everything, but I can't stand being on survival mode every single day. I want to rest. I want to sleep. My body feels like a prison and I'm not sure what's worse, my inner world or the world that I live in.

I tried to forget about CTBing, I tried to pretend it wasn't an option, but life keeps throwing me into horrible situations and every day I break a little more.

A very dear friend decided to stop talking to me because of her own trauma with trust. I know it's not my fault, but I know that my behavior of being distant and unable to talk made things turn out this way. I tried explaining it to her in my last desperate attempt to talk about someone about what I've been feeling but I failed. She's gone and even if she decides to come back I'm not sure we should be friends again. I know I'm going to end up sad again, and I know it'll bleed into our friendship. I feel like I've lost a limb. I love my friends so much and they'll never know.

I picked up two kittens a year and a half ago. I've talked about my experience with stray cats before. I've lost three and each time I felt like dying. My family won't help me, of course, so I had to watch them die and drown myself in debt to cover the bills. I couldn't put my grief into words and I feel like this made others think I must have healed, then. But I haven't. One of the cats I picked up is sick and the vets are no help. They don't know what's wrong with him. I've been crying for a whole week non-stop in a way I didn't know was humanly possible. I've begged God to let this one creature stay with me, just this one. I've already lost three. Life can't possibly be so miserable. What am I doing wrong? Why am I being so unfairly punished? Why must the weight of whatever sins I've committed fall into these innocents beings? I really hope he stays alive. I'm sorry I'm the one that picked you up.

It took me so long to write this and I barely remember how it began. My mind is so foggy.

 

[notreallybored]

ב''ה,
Well, fuck, it's Shabbos and I relate to some of this with all the run ragged during others' illnesses stuff; it's a mitzvah to care for our animals (though sure am tired of the worries about toxoplasmosis, as I don't know if my family was exposed to) so what's wrong with the cat?

What comes to mind though perhaps isn't it is that cats are extremely sensitive to pyrethrin/pyrethroid insecticides, and also be careful of what houseplants they may nibble on (chrysanthemums for pyrethrins, maybe there's something else about geraniums, and who knows what in many others), while pesticides meant for dogs have too much of those chemicals for cats.

 

[quietly_gone]

ב''ה,
Well, fuck, it's Shabbos and I relate to some of this with all the run ragged during others' illnesses stuff; it's a mitzvah to care for our animals (though sure am tired of the worries about toxoplasmosis, as I don't know if my family was exposed to) so what's wrong with the cat?

What comes to mind though perhaps isn't it is that cats are extremely sensitive to pyrethrin/pyrethroid insecticides, and also be careful of what houseplants they may nibble on (chrysanthemums for pyrethrins, maybe there's something else about geraniums, and who knows what in many others), while pesticides meant for dogs have too much of those chemicals for cats.

TW: animal death

Thank you for your concern and tips regarding houseplants, thankfully I've managed to make the place safe for my cats. What happened was that one of them escaped for a very brief moment. He's not used to being outside so he gets scared easily. He jumped in front of a motorcycle in an attempt to cross the street back home as soon as my mom called his name.

I took him to a veterinary emergency and he had to stay the night. The exams came out okay. They showed no internal bleeding and he was discharged. At this point he had been seen by two different vets in this clinic. At home, however, he wouldn't eat, kept hiding and sometimes howling in what I assumed to be pain. I waited until it was time to give him another painkiller as prescribed by the vets, but nothing changed after that, so I took him back.

The third vet at the clinic told me he was okay, just in a lot of generalized pain. I pointed out the bruise in his stomach that seemed quite big to me, she agreed, but since he didn't complain when being touched and his exams came out normal (including an additional X-ray she requested that same night) he probably only needed stronger pain meds. I told her to be honest with me and asked if his like was at risk. She said "absolutely not".

Came home again, nothing changed, still not eating. I contacted them and another vet was at the clinic and this one wanted to run another set of blood tests. I took him back and she said he could not go back home and might not make it until tomorrow, which is today, and he didn't.

I guess you can already understand how I feel and I already wrote too much. I'm glad he's free from suffering at least. This week made me so tired that I'm able to ignore my family giving me the cold shoulder for taking care of my pets, as well as my other problems. Just don't know if I want to give life a shot again. Thank you for reading.

 

[notreallybored]

I guess you can already understand how I feel [. . .]

ב''ה,
Sorry to hear. Sorry to hear about whatever happened with the veterinary office too, oh well.