Why I want to die but at the same time, why I don't

[lady sea]

Yes, I am suicidal but not because I have lived a terrible life. To be honest, yeah I major family issues but I can live with it if I really wanted to. I have always been fascinated by the idea of death. I don't know where it came from but have any of you guys ever wondered whats in the afterlife? What it's like to die? I am scared though. Like I not scared of death its self but I'm scared what will happen to my mom when i am gone. I mean i have a general idea of what is to come after death so I know I will still somewhat be with my mom (do not question my knowledge please! Just trust me.). But still, what will she and my siblings do? Oh and don't get my started on my nephew. I'm very close to him. I will break my heart to break theirs, I mean I won't be around to witness it but still you know?

 

[mpti]

I think everyone on here has experienced this unless they have had abusive families or "friends" or whatever. My family has been great to me which makes it so much worse. But it would be probably be fairer to them if I stopped pretending like I wanted to live.

In any case, my dad's birthday is coming up so I don't want to do it anytime soon. But afterwards, then I don't know. I just have this image of my dad crying over my grave, or my mom blaming herself, etc, and it destroys me. I don't know what to do. Why was I even born and raised and cared about for all my life so I could just throw it away. But isn't that what I'm already doing with my life anyway?

I don't mean to guilt anyone over doing it by posting this, but I'm just addressing my own personal thoughts and situation.

 

[lady sea]

I think everyone on here has experienced this unless they have had abusive families or "friends" or whatever. My family has been great to me which makes it so much worse. But it would be probably be fairer to them if I stopped pretending like I wanted to live.

In any case, my dad's birthday is coming up so I don't want to do it anytime soon. But afterwards, then I don't know. I just have this image of my dad crying over my grave, or my mom blaming herself, etc, and it destroys me. I don't know what to do. Why was I even born and raised and cared about for all my life so I could just throw it away. But isn't that what I'm already doing with my life anyway?

I don't mean to guilt anyone over doing it by posting this, but I'm just addressing my own personal thoughts and situation.

I like that, I feel that. Thanks for sharing