uboa.rust
deranged loser
- Nov 14, 2025
- 15
i'm in spravato therapy now since i've been in treatment since 12 with 0 improvement. i used to do dxm a lot and it would make me remember things, but i guess because it was more euphoric (or cloudy, because i tended to OTCflip) i never felt this bad
now while i'm on esketamine, i keep remembering painful things and can't stop dissociating so hard that i start questioning who i am or what the point of all this is. i keep remembering the time i tried OD'ing, almost died, and how now i'm just carrying that husk or corpse of myself along while not knowing who i am at all.
i keep thinking about people i've been close too, too, and how i always pushed them away. it's like in my brain i view every attempt at intimacy as being so threatening that i cut my emotions off entirely and don't even feel interested even if i yearn to be held and told everything will be okay. i feel terrible for the people who have tried to show me care only for me to run because i'm defective and fucked in the head.
i want to forget, but at the same time i feel like i'll end up making the same mistakes if i do. or maybe i just like torturing myself and making myself feel bad by remembering, i don't know at this point. i feel like spravato shouldn't be worsening how i feel THIS much, right?
now while i'm on esketamine, i keep remembering painful things and can't stop dissociating so hard that i start questioning who i am or what the point of all this is. i keep remembering the time i tried OD'ing, almost died, and how now i'm just carrying that husk or corpse of myself along while not knowing who i am at all.
i keep thinking about people i've been close too, too, and how i always pushed them away. it's like in my brain i view every attempt at intimacy as being so threatening that i cut my emotions off entirely and don't even feel interested even if i yearn to be held and told everything will be okay. i feel terrible for the people who have tried to show me care only for me to run because i'm defective and fucked in the head.
i want to forget, but at the same time i feel like i'll end up making the same mistakes if i do. or maybe i just like torturing myself and making myself feel bad by remembering, i don't know at this point. i feel like spravato shouldn't be worsening how i feel THIS much, right?
