Why does it feel like the world hates victims of sexual abuse so much?

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I'm speaking from my experience now of living in 3 different countries, it's all the same garbage. No matter where I go, it seems like for the vast majority, people believe you can overcome being sexually assaulted and mold yourself into a completely "normal" person who has no emotional hangups or boundaries about their body, no fear, and a cheery disposition even when you see something which directly reminds you of your past. Pretty much everyone I know, outside of two people, believes PTSD is 100% curable and if you aren't getting better it's because you didn't try hard enough.

For context, I have been sexually and physically abused multiple times in my life, starting in early childhood. I have posted a lot about it, because I believe these events have had the most devastating impact on my life and lead me to the point where there's just a constant feeling of despair hanging around me. It's not only the abuse itself that damages you, but the cruel reactions from other people that are akin to pouring salt and alcohol both in a festering wound.

The first time I was molested was when I was about 4/5 years old, by a doctor. There was no medical justification or reason for me to be naked, but all I remember was being stripped, crying, and dissociating, my mind has blocked out many of the details but I remember those feelings of violation so well. After that, I began to act out in ways that made it blatantly obvious I had been abused by that doctor, but my family didn't care.

Every time I cried and screamed about potentially being in a medical setting again, and being violated, my family would say I was being difficult and pin me down so that they could beat me. There was never any attempt to help me, from the medical side either, no sedation, or anything, just more callous judgement because I was "being a brat" by acting so afraid.

Around the time I started high school, an older guy at my school also started molesting me, before I really understood what sex was. For several months, I would be taken to a semi-public place and molested multiple times, while being told I was "learning new things." Unlike before, my family actually did take this seriously. The police were involved, but the boy did not go to jail or face any punishment. Instead, it was recommended that I did not attend school anymore until he graduated, so I missed out on two entire years of schooling, at a pivotal time in life, simply because I was sexually abused.

Again, I got violently abused, by an acquaintance of my much older ex boyfriend when I was just barely 18 years old. Even though I was bleeding and injured, some people in the social circle, and eventually my ex as well, started weaving a tale that I made it up for attention, and that I probably just "liked it rough" and regretted it. They said there is no way that someone could have experienced sexual abuse so many times, so I must be lying, especially because I was young and immature. This was when I truly began to realize, that people doubted me and hated me because I had been abused TOO much.

Throughout my life, I have consistently faded judgment from people because they don't understand how abuse can effect you. The most obvious one is that I can't use tampons and dislike penetration. Even in school, other girls would bully me because I couldn't go on swimming trips, solely due to being unable to use tampons, because I can't insert anything there without pain. I also wasn't allowed to participate in any school sports, because I wouldn't submit to medical checkups, and pretty much every single person I knew during that time thought I was being an absolute baby because I didn't want to do them.

Time and time again, I was told to face my fears and triggers. Medical settings are the biggest ones, since the original assault happened in that context. I have tried pretty much every type of therapy you can imagine, both in professional settings and DIY at your own pace sorts of fashion, as well as nearly every psych drug on the market. I still have PTSD, I still don't want strangers touching me when I'm uncomfortable with it, and I still don't like penetration.

I've been able to have relationships, but sex is still painful and I can really only get aroused by reinacting traumatic scenarios, it's so awful and distressing. There are aspects of my trauma that I feel like I did overcome, but not the ones that matter. I can see a hospital on TV without freaking out now, and I have actually been able to work in a healthcare setting for awhile now, though it is absolutely terrible for me mentally because a lot of my coworkers are not great people and don't treat patients with respect.

I think because my experiences have made me a kinder, gentler, and more professional person, I have a good rapport with patients and can understand them. However, I can't tolerate most examinations or tests myself. Time and time again, people have told me I should move out of my low paying job (which I can hardly handle as is) and try to advance in the healthcare field because I have a niche for scientific knowledge and good professionalism, but I'm confident I would be discriminated against because of my PTSD and not wanting my classmates to use my body as a practice doll. Once again, people would see this fear as irrational, and think I am "mentally ill and crazy".

Any time I've opened up to others about PTSD, they give a blank eyed stare, and most of the time just tell me to go to therapy. I've tried so much therapy, and it simply doesn't work for me. After the gamut of SSRIs, SNRIs, tricyclics, antihistamines, etc didn't do anything positive for me, I begged the doctors for any kind of sedative for when there is a particularly triggering time, only to be told by multiple so called "experts" that medication is an addictive crutch, and the most effective way is to face your fears and quit hiding from them. The cruelty is fucking unreal, that they would rather see someone suffer for years and years, then do ANYTHING to change the situation, and this only reinforces my trauma.

It's been over 20 years since the original incident, and I'm still so messed up by it. Yet, other people just act like it's no big deal, or something like a broken leg that will inevitably heal with treatment and time. As I get older, this judgement becomes even more pronounced, because of the fact that I am not having children. I've heard every cope under the sun, you can have a woman present, only women involved, etc, but it doesn't change the fact that doesn't matter to me. The first person who abused me was a woman, gender doesn't matter when someone has violated you. Furthermore, I have always been treated like a nuisance and a burden whenever I have opened up about my trauma, but especially by medical staff.

While I personally think it would be cruel to subject a new life to the risk of my autism and chronic health problems, not to mention the risk they may experience something traumatic during their own life, that scars them in the same ways I have been, it hurts my heart that I can't ever experience what it's like to have a family. There's no way a person like me would be allowed to adopt, due to all my health conditions, finances, and so on, so I gave up on the idea a long time ago. Yet many people can not understand why I can't have children.

More people I know are thinking about settling down and discussing these topics with me, and it hurts my heart, because the abuse took this option from me. Not to mention, how many opportunities I've missed out on during my life because I didn't want to do invasive medical exams. A lot of countries just straight up ban you from work or study if you don't have a litany of medical tests done, even if they aren't relevant to the job in any way, it's a formality they won't budge on.

This is very common where I am living right now in Japan. So I had to go through a big song and dance at my language school because I did not want to go to a gymnasium and have a group medical exam where a bunch of people are helping you strip down in public. I would probably fail because I would be panicking so badly, from that sense of not having control. Then whenever I tried to explain to some of my classmates why I didn't go to the health checks, they just told me some platitudes about how the skin is seperate from the soul, and I should learn not to be so modest about nudity.

My brother in Christ, it's not about feeling a little embarrassed, it's that I HAVE BEEN SEXUALLY ABUSED MULTIPLE TIMES IN MY LIFE, and I don't like other people touching my body in an environment where I'm not allowed to be in control or say stop. But as usual, people don't get it. I have no doubt in my mind that if I mentioned I have PTSD, I will just get told the same spiel about how I need to get over it- go get therapy and go to the psychiatrist. When I've been told by multiple therapists and psychiatrists that there was nothing more they could do to help me.

It's insanely frustrating, and I feel like everyone just hates me because of the inconvenience posed by my trauma, and inability to simply be normal with no boundaries. I am made to feel like less of a woman, a coward, a child, a nuisance, and every other negative thing that exists. Many people will straight up avoid you if you have trauma because they see you as damaged goods. Families will refuse to adopt young girls often if they find out they've endured sexual abuse. We are made to feel lesser than at every turn and I hate it so much. Can anyone else relate to this?

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

They said there is no way that someone could have experienced sexual abuse so many times, so I must be lying, especially because I was young and immature. This was when I truly began to realize, that people doubted me and hated me because I had been abused TOO much.

This is so relatable, good lord. They really do think that don't they? You can be the unluckiest person in the world and they assume it's more likely you're faking.

Have you dealt with the issues you listed in the SA community too? Unfortunately, I have. It's like people hear that "almost everyone AFAB has experienced SA in one way or another" and think it give them, the survivor one incident of SA as an adult, to speak on topics regarding repeated CSA, CSAM production, and trafficking.

I've had multiple AFABs try to correct my language to be more "positive," or to give me false comfort that doesn't apply to me. What they went through is horrible, but being SA'd at 30 doesn't break your body's chemical understanding of libido like it does at 4. Why can't they just understand that it's different?

I'm so pissed that it's a common experience to have CSA trauma trivialized by everyone under the sun

 

[derpyderpins]

People have an instinct to, and the way our social structure works gives them an incentive to, minimize other's struggles.

Probably for a few reasons. They want life to be good, so they need to block out horrible acts of evil. They want to think better about themselves in comparison, so others can't be carrying heavy burdens while still surviving or they look bad by comparison.

 

[Uncounted1846]

My dad treats me this way whenever I bring up my PTSD/trauma he will genuinely say to me "but that was years ago." His idiot monkey brain can't comprehend how I haven't moved on from it.
How? I would LOVE to move on. But EMDR and medications haven't really helped. I still hide from the world and loathe it when I'm forced to be in it.

 

[X-sanguinate86]

I don't know but in my environment that's definitely not the case.

What is the case is that people are shit in general. When I think of all the times I have been viciously rejected and turned into the object of ridicule by humans who were just lucky enough to have a social power base and have most of their needs met it makes me hate the world pretty uniformly. I hate most people and think they should be murdered.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

This is so relatable, good lord. They really do think that don't they? You can be the unluckiest person in the world and they assume it's more likely you're faking.

Have you dealt with the issues you listed in the SA community too? Unfortunately, I have. It's like people hear that "almost everyone AFAB has experienced SA in one way or another" and think it give them, the survivor one incident of SA as an adult, to speak on topics regarding repeated CSA, CSAM production, and trafficking.

I've had multiple AFABs try to correct my language to be more "positive," or to give me false comfort that doesn't apply to me. What they went through is horrible, but being SA'd at 30 doesn't break your body's chemical understanding of libido like it does at 4. Why can't they just understand that it's different?

I'm so pissed that it's a common experience to have CSA trauma trivialized by everyone under the sun

Unfortunately, I have had the same experiences, especially on Reddit. I'm so sorry this happened to you too, especially in spaces that are supposed to be supportive. They will just parrot the same talking points over and over again to keep trying EDMR and exposure therapy, that it ALWAYS works and is super effective, but it's like you say, CSA is an entirely different ballgame and most of the people in those communities are speaking from the perspective of their adult experiences.

The abuse happened in the first few years of my life and so I've developed around it, rather than being a fully formed person dealing with a one off traumatic event that has shaken that already built sense of self. It's hard for people who haven't been through CSA to comprehend that, especially because this type of abuse is often repeated and you're more at risk for further incidents later if you've dealt with abuse in early childhood. It isn't rocket science, but it seems beyond the comprehension of some people.

It's the most alienating and isolating thing ever, because even these groups that are supposed to be meant for us, don't seem to understand. At best, you'll get the toxic positivity, and at worst, confusion of why you haven't gotten over it yet despite it happening x number of years ago, because others are making progress so why aren't you.

I've been reading lots of news articles about the recent case in Spain where a young woman who had also been a CSA victim was finally allowed to have euthanasia after years of battling for the right to do so. And I saw so many comments saying how it's morally wrong to allow euthanasia, when we should be putting rapists in jail instead. They really don't understand how that is only one part of the problem, even if you punish abusers for their crimes, victims still have to live with the fallout and mental turmoil.

It just shows how little people understand about how this fucks up your entire life.

My dad treats me this way whenever I bring up my PTSD/trauma he will genuinely say to me "but that was years ago." His idiot monkey brain can't comprehend how I haven't moved on from it.
How? I would LOVE to move on. But EMDR and medications haven't really helped. I still hide from the world and loathe it when I'm forced to be in it.

Your dad just doesn't seem to grasp the sheer impact it can have on someone, I never understand if it's just willful ignorance on their part or the constant conditioning from the MH industry that time heals all wounds, it's all temporary, everything can be fixed with EDMR and broad spectrum medications that weren't even designed for PTSD in the first place.

If more people thought critically about this, surely there would be more understanding, but I think unfortunately there is such a strong positivity bias everywhere, too much of a blind eye turned to suffering. When having that support is crucial to stop suffering.

 

[Mr.Tristesse]

I really hate not being able to run away from or turn off somehow our traumatic recollections。

The medical industry is tainted for me too albeit for other causes than what you talk about here.

If you have to live I hope you can find a way to advance in the ways people (probably not so gently) have suggested. Self-enpowerment is the most effective (not to say necessarily effective) remedy for trauma (explains why I remain in a perpetually traumatized state).