why do i want to go back to someone that hurt me?

[eggsausagerice]

they weren't manipulative, abusive, or that bad of a person. my life just got much worse and way smaller while his got better. my buddy moved away. i would spiral when he wouldn't message me and i often considered him my only real friend. but i eventually started fixating on how much worse my life was and how if he didn't move he would've wanted to kill himself the way i do. because there's no future and no hope in the suburbs. once you move out it's better, but if you never do you stay stagnant and meet less and less people. i tried to tell him that i wanted to stop being friends if he had other friends and didn't need a small town insecure loser like me anymore, but he said we could still be friends anyway. but i just wanted him to block me. i kept telling him to block me.

i can't ever be his friend again because he's what made me want to stay alive, but he didn't need me. he has other people he likes more and he probably was waiting for me to block him and not come back, instead of block and unblock like i usually do. this is the longest i've left him blocked and it feels lighter and like i spiral less without him in my life, but i feel bad knowing that he most likely isn't affected by me being gone at all. i can't think of any message i'd want to send him or anything i'd want to hear from him. i know i don't want him back. it's just lonely to be on my own. my sister has so many friends from her high school, college, and work, and i don't have much of anything besides my small college friend group where i only text 1 person consistently. tonight i redownloaded grindr and the anxiety and stress of trying to appeal to strangers immediately kicked back in, so i deleted it.

i just want to be someone that's capable of being loved if my friend and my sister are able to be loved and accepted by others. but i know that i'm the reason i isolate myself. i'm bitter, antisocial, immature, and i hate myself. that's not the kind of person that i would want someone to be friends with, so when people try to be friends with me or say they like me i feel nauseous and want to get away, since i think that i'm going to hurt them. i don't want to feel so alone in my final days. i don't know what to do with myself. i'm going to die in the dark and disappear completely. i'm worried that people will see my death as attention seeking when i just wanted to stop being a burden to everyone.

 

[sanctionedusage]

we are all so fucking avoidant

 

[eggsausagerice]

we are all so fucking avoidant

i just want to be someone that's capable of being loved if my friend and my sister are able to be loved and accepted by others. but i know that i'm the reason i isolate myself. i'm bitter, antisocial, immature, and i hate myself. that's not the kind of person that i would want someone to be friends with, so when people try to be friends with me or say they like me i feel nauseous and want to get away, since i think that i'm going to hurt them. i don't want to feel so alone in my final days. i don't know what to do with myself. i'm going to die in the dark and disappear completely.

tangent: i've been thinking of when my next period will be and i'm terrified because it sends me into crazy depressive spirals and makes me hate myself lol. i feel like it only gets worse by the month and i've kind of been dreading it. every time it rolls around i want to do something reckless like run onto the road or hang myself, even though i have sn being shipped to my house this month. one of the posters said i might have pmdd i felt bad the whole day because i felt like i might be biologically fucked up along with being mentally ill. i'm really tired of hating myself and hating myself because it's "the time of the month" makes me feel like people will assume i killed myself because of my Crazy Period Mood Swings(!!!!). i feel like my parents are just going to come up with a psyop excuse for why i killed myself instead of coming to terms with the fact that i saw my life as unlivable and pointless.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Do you think it's specifically him you feel like a part of you needs or, what he represented to you? As in- someone you hoped would need you as much as you needed them? Even if they didn't fulfil that role.

In a way, it sounds similar (not the same) to what I experienced when I went through limerent stages. It wasn't necessarily that person I loved. There were even times I wondered if these particular guys were bullies or being manipulative and- how could I love a bully? Really for me though- it was more what they represented. Kind of like- I would have a fairytale version of them running in my head- based on their best bits. While I conveniently forgot the other parts.

In other words- is it really about the need for that person or, more- a desire to have a friendship like that- that they fulfilled parts of- while also being damaging in other ways? I could be way off here of course... I'm no psychologist.

 

[eggsausagerice]

In other words- is it really about the need for that person or, more- a desire to have a friendship like that- that they fulfilled parts of- while also being damaging in other ways?

i get what you mean, i just think you started to ramble when you got your meaning across at the start. yes, i felt similarly to something like that. we've talked about this in a different post a while ago. i appreciate you wanting to be helpful despite reiterating your point.

 

[blueberryjam]

they weren't manipulative, abusive, or that bad of a person. my life just got much worse and way smaller while his got better. my buddy moved away. i would spiral when he wouldn't message me and i often considered him my only real friend. but i eventually started fixating on how much worse my life was and how if he didn't move he would've wanted to kill himself the way i do. because there's no future and no hope in the suburbs. once you move out it's better, but if you never do you stay stagnant and meet less and less people. i tried to tell him that i wanted to stop being friends if he had other friends and didn't need a small town insecure loser like me anymore, but he said we could still be friends anyway. but i just wanted him to block me. i kept telling him to block me.

i can't ever be his friend again because he's what made me want to stay alive, but he didn't need me. he has other people he likes more and he probably was waiting for me to block him and not come back, instead of block and unblock like i usually do. this is the longest i've left him blocked and it feels lighter and like i spiral less without him in my life, but i feel bad knowing that he most likely isn't affected by me being gone at all. i can't think of any message i'd want to send him or anything i'd want to hear from him. i know i don't want him back. it's just lonely to be on my own. my sister has so many friends from her high school, college, and work, and i don't have much of anything besides my small college friend group where i only text 1 person consistently. tonight i redownloaded grindr and the anxiety and stress of trying to appeal to strangers immediately kicked back in, so i deleted it.

i just want to be someone that's capable of being loved if my friend and my sister are able to be loved and accepted by others. but i know that i'm the reason i isolate myself. i'm bitter, antisocial, immature, and i hate myself. that's not the kind of person that i would want someone to be friends with, so when people try to be friends with me or say they like me i feel nauseous and want to get away, since i think that i'm going to hurt them. i don't want to feel so alone in my final days. i don't know what to do with myself. i'm going to die in the dark and disappear completely. i'm worried that people will see my death as attention seeking when i just wanted to stop being a burden to everyone.

I get how you feel, it's not the same situation but I know I have people in my life that try to be nice to me but that's just because they're nice people and I'm like a charity case to them, or they just feel bad idk
It's hard because I keep wanting to cut them off because I think I'm finally going to ctb or at least manage to fully isolate myself, but then in moments of desperation I come back and it's so incredibly embarrassing
It's hard seeing people that don't need you but don't abandon you either, because you're spiraling on your own and they're just normal and stable and you know they would never overthink your relationship as much as you do
It sucks