Why do I struggle to speak my truth?

[Water-Lily]

I feel like I am a failure at this thing called "healing"

I know my mom abused me. She was a narcissist and was a very complicated person. With all that, I struggle to call certain thins she did to me more than just "abuse" or "enmeshment". These are labels I am most comfortable with. They don't cause me to lose control or panic too severely

But I try to call it other stuff, things I realistically "should" but I always panic. I compare myself to people who can do it boldly and I feel bad that I cant be like them. I feel weak. I feel like something is wrong with me

 

[SoftWorries]

I don't think it's necessary to label everything as abuse. You were abused full stop. Abuse is a range of things. Even a pleasant day at the park with an abuser can be be something stressful in hindsight

And that's because unlike most people you don't get to have untainted memories from your abuser. I have not one good memory of my mother. There aren't truly good moments with an abuser. That's like having good days while being held hostage

 

[StaticCryBabye]

The tangled web of healing and the labels we try to stick on our experiences. It's like walking through a minefield of emotions and expectations, isn't it? You've recognized the abuse and enmeshment for what they are, and that's a significant step in itself. But don't beat yourself up for not being able to call it by other names that society deems "appropriate." You're on your own unique journey, and comparing yourself to others only brings unnecessary pain. Strength comes in different forms, and your resilience in facing your past is commendable. Embrace the label that resonates with you, for it's your truth, and no one else gets to define it. Remember, healing is a messy, nonlinear process, and there's no right or wrong way to navigate it. Trust yourself, be kind to yourself, and seek support from those who understand and validate your experiences.

 

[Water-Lily]

I don't think it's necessary to label everything as abuse. You were abused full stop. Abuse is a range of things. Even a pleasant day at the park with an abuser can be be something stressful in hindsight

And that's because unlike most people you don't get to have untainted memories from your abuser. I have not one good memory of my mother. There aren't truly good moments with an abuser. That's like having good days while being held hostage

It's complicated. I remember the many horrific things she did to me, and some of the moments where I felt she tried

Like I miss her baked breads…

The tangled web of healing and the labels we try to stick on our experiences. It's like walking through a minefield of emotions and expectations, isn't it? You've recognized the abuse and enmeshment for what they are, and that's a significant step in itself. But don't beat yourself up for not being able to call it by other names that society deems "appropriate." You're on your own unique journey, and comparing yourself to others only brings unnecessary pain. Strength comes in different forms, and your resilience in facing your past is commendable. Embrace the label that resonates with you, for it's your truth, and no one else gets to define it. Remember, healing is a messy, nonlinear process, and there's no right or wrong way to navigate it. Trust yourself, be kind to yourself, and seek support from those who understand and validate your experiences.

Thank you. I've been gaslit in "healing" places for not seeing my abuse for what it is

I hate that healing is so messy. I'm always waiting for the next disaster to happen…