Catscratch
I want to self harm but i hate pain
- Oct 2, 2024
- 9
I fucking hate this mood. Fucking tired. So i just want to venting. I will tell you all about my entire life. I am not good at English, so pls sympathize if my words or grammar are weird.
So, yeah, i dont know where to start. I have a normal life before. Yes. Very "normal". Normal school, but i hate when i need to get up early for dumb lesson and meet dumb ppl. I think that time made me trauma. Now i am very scare and anxious when wake up in the early morning because of that.
I have a normal family. My parents love me. Yes. I dont have any problems with them. But i am really hate them because they born me. I am antinatalism. I love them, but i also hate them because they bring me to this life. I wish i never born.
As long as i can remember, thing started when i graduate the high school (12 grade). So i have a summer break before go to University. Thing was good. 3 months of summer. Only at home and video games. When the break going to an end, and the day i need to go to the University come near, i feel...exhausted. Yes. Feel empty, exhausted, lonely, sadness. I dont know why. It is not about i am lazy or sth else. I am just...exhausted when enter the University. Until today, i still dont know why i was like that. I feel everything is meaningless, and very exhausted. So when i study in University for about 1-2 months, i started drop the class. I quit the classes, then i droped out of the University. I was in depression that time. Living like a hikikomori at home. No go out, no talking, no friend (i already dont seem others as my friends from 12 grade, they are just NPCs). I feel i am useless, life is meaningless, and, i start have SI from that time. I also did self harm - a small cat scratch.
Then after a few weeks, i go to the new city. Yes. I leave the old city and go to the new city, and start study in a College at there. For 9 months. Yes. I have a real friend. It was a good time. Do normal thing like normal person. Study, hang out with (one) friend, eating.... But i living alone, so i feel a bit lonely. And i think i was dissociation sometime, maybe because of stay up allnight and dont have interact with real ppl. Then i return back to the old city for parents. I miss them. And also, i still study in the same College. It is still the same College, but different facility in different cities. Yeah, it is about the end of 2025.
Then, i continue study. And i meet "her". Now you understand the remain. Yes. We are so nice and kind to each others. We said we miss each others, good night to each others, and i said i was "falling on her", and she is okay with that. She proactive holding my hand, and we holding hand together. We are in the same class, but we mostly texting online because i have done some subject before her, and most of the time i am at home (she is new so she need to study more than me). Yes, we only visit the sea and holding hand two times. Most of the time we were texting. We dont have any other memory together in real life. And the one day - a few days ago, i overthinking and i told her that i afraid that i will lost her. Then you know what? I MISUNDERSTOOD - OR SHE MISUNDERSTOOD. At the beginning, she seem me as a FRIEND. YES. "falling on sb" with her is meaning "pure friend". What the fuck is "pure friend"??? I never have a real friend before, so how could i understand. And why friends can holding hand each others? She said it is because she have some close friends from childhood (both male and female), so the holding hand - for her - just a normal act. What the fuck. How can i accept that??? She is so dumb, at both IQ and EQ. I dont think she trap me or sth else like that. It is because she is really dumb. Let me tell you, she dont use much social media, dont post so much photos, dont dress up well... She is good, that is true. But she is so fucking dumb, that she dont realize my love and emotion. She is nice and kind with all the others, not only me...
I cant accept that, so...i did self harm again. More than 30 wounds at the same time. Dont worry, just cat scratch. Yeah. Fully cover my arm with scars. Then i feel meaningless, empty. We just know each others for 2 months, but the entire 2 months, i spent all my emotion only for her. THAT'S TRUE. I have no one, so i spent all my fk soul only for her. Now she said that. WTF? I cant stop thinking about it. And the class, the fucking classmates. We have group assignment, but they are fk lazy and dont want to working. I dont want to fail the subject. Fuck the teacher too. Why always group assignment??? Cant not be single assignment? Fuck my crush, fuck the teacher, and fuck the classate.
And i did more self harm. My mom took me to the doctor, they said i am depression (MD). I knew. Now i am using sedative. I also return this website.
It is just my story. Sound stupid? Yah. Depression because of an unaccepable love. Yeah. Idk. I already have problems before, and she is the last straw. Maybe. She is the "active event" for this wave of depression.
Whoever read this post, i hope all the best for you, from my deepest soul. The best, even from the sunlight of morning, or from the bullet of the gun
So, yeah, i dont know where to start. I have a normal life before. Yes. Very "normal". Normal school, but i hate when i need to get up early for dumb lesson and meet dumb ppl. I think that time made me trauma. Now i am very scare and anxious when wake up in the early morning because of that.
I have a normal family. My parents love me. Yes. I dont have any problems with them. But i am really hate them because they born me. I am antinatalism. I love them, but i also hate them because they bring me to this life. I wish i never born.
As long as i can remember, thing started when i graduate the high school (12 grade). So i have a summer break before go to University. Thing was good. 3 months of summer. Only at home and video games. When the break going to an end, and the day i need to go to the University come near, i feel...exhausted. Yes. Feel empty, exhausted, lonely, sadness. I dont know why. It is not about i am lazy or sth else. I am just...exhausted when enter the University. Until today, i still dont know why i was like that. I feel everything is meaningless, and very exhausted. So when i study in University for about 1-2 months, i started drop the class. I quit the classes, then i droped out of the University. I was in depression that time. Living like a hikikomori at home. No go out, no talking, no friend (i already dont seem others as my friends from 12 grade, they are just NPCs). I feel i am useless, life is meaningless, and, i start have SI from that time. I also did self harm - a small cat scratch.
Then after a few weeks, i go to the new city. Yes. I leave the old city and go to the new city, and start study in a College at there. For 9 months. Yes. I have a real friend. It was a good time. Do normal thing like normal person. Study, hang out with (one) friend, eating.... But i living alone, so i feel a bit lonely. And i think i was dissociation sometime, maybe because of stay up allnight and dont have interact with real ppl. Then i return back to the old city for parents. I miss them. And also, i still study in the same College. It is still the same College, but different facility in different cities. Yeah, it is about the end of 2025.
Then, i continue study. And i meet "her". Now you understand the remain. Yes. We are so nice and kind to each others. We said we miss each others, good night to each others, and i said i was "falling on her", and she is okay with that. She proactive holding my hand, and we holding hand together. We are in the same class, but we mostly texting online because i have done some subject before her, and most of the time i am at home (she is new so she need to study more than me). Yes, we only visit the sea and holding hand two times. Most of the time we were texting. We dont have any other memory together in real life. And the one day - a few days ago, i overthinking and i told her that i afraid that i will lost her. Then you know what? I MISUNDERSTOOD - OR SHE MISUNDERSTOOD. At the beginning, she seem me as a FRIEND. YES. "falling on sb" with her is meaning "pure friend". What the fuck is "pure friend"??? I never have a real friend before, so how could i understand. And why friends can holding hand each others? She said it is because she have some close friends from childhood (both male and female), so the holding hand - for her - just a normal act. What the fuck. How can i accept that??? She is so dumb, at both IQ and EQ. I dont think she trap me or sth else like that. It is because she is really dumb. Let me tell you, she dont use much social media, dont post so much photos, dont dress up well... She is good, that is true. But she is so fucking dumb, that she dont realize my love and emotion. She is nice and kind with all the others, not only me...
I cant accept that, so...i did self harm again. More than 30 wounds at the same time. Dont worry, just cat scratch. Yeah. Fully cover my arm with scars. Then i feel meaningless, empty. We just know each others for 2 months, but the entire 2 months, i spent all my emotion only for her. THAT'S TRUE. I have no one, so i spent all my fk soul only for her. Now she said that. WTF? I cant stop thinking about it. And the class, the fucking classmates. We have group assignment, but they are fk lazy and dont want to working. I dont want to fail the subject. Fuck the teacher too. Why always group assignment??? Cant not be single assignment? Fuck my crush, fuck the teacher, and fuck the classate.
And i did more self harm. My mom took me to the doctor, they said i am depression (MD). I knew. Now i am using sedative. I also return this website.
It is just my story. Sound stupid? Yah. Depression because of an unaccepable love. Yeah. Idk. I already have problems before, and she is the last straw. Maybe. She is the "active event" for this wave of depression.
Whoever read this post, i hope all the best for you, from my deepest soul. The best, even from the sunlight of morning, or from the bullet of the gun
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