thrim
Member
- Jan 23, 2026
- 7
blaaaghhh this is my first post And i'm just trying to scream into the void as it's at least a little better to pretend like there's somebody actually listening-- in a sense. Hope this is okay. I don't expect this to be read!! :) IDK how long this thread stuff can be so I apologize if this is outside of normal etiquette and please let me know!!! I tend to write a lot.
It's pretty darn conflicting. Nothing in specific, just. Everything. I live a life I could imagine others would be envious of, like having a loving family, and being able to get things that make me happy even if only temporary, which is what makes me feel both guiltier yet still motivates me to get to CTB even more. I've been diagnosed with depression, been taking medication for it, but I still feel so hollow inside. My entire life, since I hit puberty, maybe even a few years before, I've been nothing but apathetic. Or at least, I lack the capacity to live in the present and everything I view with a filter. I find myself feeling so detached from everything, no matter what I do. I can only find myself getting frustrated with the things going on around me as mundane or positive as they may be. And I hate it SO much!! I have everything I could want so I just seem so pathetic and ungrateful.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely am thankful for everything I've gotten, but there's always something in the back of my mind that nags at me no matter what I say or do. I could be having the best time of my life, finally feeling happy for once, hopeful, only for it to be shattered by this sudden sense of dread and thinking that "it will never last".
I know what is wrong with me and how my mind works and how I can sorta sooth other people that have the same mindset like me to an extent, which is why I can't help but feel that everything I do is pointless. I feel like such a fraud. I have so much insight on myself because I spent so long trapped inside my own damn head that I've become "one with my heart", in a way. I am so sensitive and I HATE it. I am bitter and selfish.
Aside from that, it doesn't help that beside my immediate family, I am completely alone. I have an online friend, they're the only one I put most of my trust in, but I'm sure it's just exhausting for them to have to hear me talk about the same things over and over. I try to be kind and understanding, but beside that, I feel like I am only there for their convenience. The most they ever do is tell me that they appreciate and love me oh-soooo muuuch and I'm the ooooonly one they could be honest with but I don't remember the last time we properly hung out. Then I feel like the one who is in the wrong for making something about myself when I admit that I've been spiraling and struggling just as much. I admit, I can't help but feel envious of them when they talk about their other friends. Granted, they were as lonely as me at some point and felt the same I did, but now it's like I'm only there to see them at their worst instead of their best.
So, it hurts. It hurts to feel and BE alone. Outside of this online world, I don't have any friends to talk to. I'm 18 now but still in HS and barely graduating soon, I don't have anyone to sit with during lunch, I am not the best looking, and all I ever do is reminisce about the years when I wasn't; literally all the way back to my elementary years. Even THEN, a lot of the friendships I had did not last. I mean, I know not all are supposed to, but DAMN!! I can't even find myself able to articulate my sentences properly and I always have to clear my throat when I speak and I am soft spoken due to how much I don't communicate with people in-person. I cheated my way through school when it was still online -- even after the lockdown lifted, so I suck at even the most basic algebra and do NOT get me started on chemistry/science. The best I am at is english, since,,, i mean,,, it's the only thing I suppose I am able to keep up with.
Anyway, all this goes for me to talk about how much this isolation is negatively impacting me and has been my entire life. Not a day goes by where I don't contemplate on putting a stop to everything so to speak, and if anything, it's all I can ever think about. I spent years trying to get better only to end up wishing to be back at my worst, where at least I hated myself less and embraced my nature of being nothing but a disappointment and a failure. There is a time that I'll wait for someone to be the one to get sick of me, and that may be the time I decide to be done with it all. I have nothing to blame but myself for everything wrong in my life, though. Because I'm sure I have the capacity to just blindly accept the love I receive, yet I find it impossible to. Because I feel like it'll be ripped away from me the moment I let my guard down. Everything I do gives me more incentive, no matter how positive the response I receive is. I hate how much of a walking contradiction I am. I crave nothing but to be loved at my worst, but I also feel nothing but disgust when I finally am.
I apologize for the long-winded essay auuuauuauauaau this feels like the only place I can express myself freely without feeling out of place.
Sending love to anyone who comes across this :D
It's pretty darn conflicting. Nothing in specific, just. Everything. I live a life I could imagine others would be envious of, like having a loving family, and being able to get things that make me happy even if only temporary, which is what makes me feel both guiltier yet still motivates me to get to CTB even more. I've been diagnosed with depression, been taking medication for it, but I still feel so hollow inside. My entire life, since I hit puberty, maybe even a few years before, I've been nothing but apathetic. Or at least, I lack the capacity to live in the present and everything I view with a filter. I find myself feeling so detached from everything, no matter what I do. I can only find myself getting frustrated with the things going on around me as mundane or positive as they may be. And I hate it SO much!! I have everything I could want so I just seem so pathetic and ungrateful.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely am thankful for everything I've gotten, but there's always something in the back of my mind that nags at me no matter what I say or do. I could be having the best time of my life, finally feeling happy for once, hopeful, only for it to be shattered by this sudden sense of dread and thinking that "it will never last".
I know what is wrong with me and how my mind works and how I can sorta sooth other people that have the same mindset like me to an extent, which is why I can't help but feel that everything I do is pointless. I feel like such a fraud. I have so much insight on myself because I spent so long trapped inside my own damn head that I've become "one with my heart", in a way. I am so sensitive and I HATE it. I am bitter and selfish.
Aside from that, it doesn't help that beside my immediate family, I am completely alone. I have an online friend, they're the only one I put most of my trust in, but I'm sure it's just exhausting for them to have to hear me talk about the same things over and over. I try to be kind and understanding, but beside that, I feel like I am only there for their convenience. The most they ever do is tell me that they appreciate and love me oh-soooo muuuch and I'm the ooooonly one they could be honest with but I don't remember the last time we properly hung out. Then I feel like the one who is in the wrong for making something about myself when I admit that I've been spiraling and struggling just as much. I admit, I can't help but feel envious of them when they talk about their other friends. Granted, they were as lonely as me at some point and felt the same I did, but now it's like I'm only there to see them at their worst instead of their best.
So, it hurts. It hurts to feel and BE alone. Outside of this online world, I don't have any friends to talk to. I'm 18 now but still in HS and barely graduating soon, I don't have anyone to sit with during lunch, I am not the best looking, and all I ever do is reminisce about the years when I wasn't; literally all the way back to my elementary years. Even THEN, a lot of the friendships I had did not last. I mean, I know not all are supposed to, but DAMN!! I can't even find myself able to articulate my sentences properly and I always have to clear my throat when I speak and I am soft spoken due to how much I don't communicate with people in-person. I cheated my way through school when it was still online -- even after the lockdown lifted, so I suck at even the most basic algebra and do NOT get me started on chemistry/science. The best I am at is english, since,,, i mean,,, it's the only thing I suppose I am able to keep up with.
Anyway, all this goes for me to talk about how much this isolation is negatively impacting me and has been my entire life. Not a day goes by where I don't contemplate on putting a stop to everything so to speak, and if anything, it's all I can ever think about. I spent years trying to get better only to end up wishing to be back at my worst, where at least I hated myself less and embraced my nature of being nothing but a disappointment and a failure. There is a time that I'll wait for someone to be the one to get sick of me, and that may be the time I decide to be done with it all. I have nothing to blame but myself for everything wrong in my life, though. Because I'm sure I have the capacity to just blindly accept the love I receive, yet I find it impossible to. Because I feel like it'll be ripped away from me the moment I let my guard down. Everything I do gives me more incentive, no matter how positive the response I receive is. I hate how much of a walking contradiction I am. I crave nothing but to be loved at my worst, but I also feel nothing but disgust when I finally am.
I apologize for the long-winded essay auuuauuauauaau this feels like the only place I can express myself freely without feeling out of place.
Sending love to anyone who comes across this :D
