Which forum members do you envy? And don't envy at all... (+ long OCD-venting, sorry)

[:)0=]

I envy Forever Sleep. Because she (she isn't he, right?) post so many her thoughts here, and I can't (I will explain). At the same time I don't envy she in one another aspect but I will not say which. :)

I envy I guess all of you, because you can, for example, manage your account details without problems, and for me simple managing my account details is torture (I will explain).

I envy those of you, who have hobbies, because I am not interesting in anything and can't do anything (I will explain).

At the same time I don't envy at all members with chronic pain. When I had a terrible headaches, even my worst mental problem went to second plan. And if these people have such pain constantly - it's hell. :(

____

OCD-venting.

(You can skip this and just answer the first question).

I have very hard OCD. I think all my other problems are fixable. Except some of my not very good actions in past. But my OCD is totally ruined my life.

I want explain to you the mechanism of my worst obsession and what the consequences.

When I do something (anything) I'm catching the obsessions all the time.

For example, I want to post something here. I'm typing text (that's another tricky puzzle) and pushing "Post reply" button. At this time or shortly after that I'm catching the obsession. I don't want to tell you what is this, but it's torture(!) for me. I immediately need to do compulsion which consists of repeating action. So I need to delete post and to post it again. I can do this several or even 5-8 hours(!). I guess someone of you already could noticed my strange behavior here. But if it were just compulsions I can imagine I could do them automatically. But remember all this 5-8 hours when I'm catching obsessions - it's torture(!) for me.

You can transfer this example to all(!) of my actions in "digital" world and almost all important actions in "analog" world. In "analog" world things are going a little easier.

Consequences.

When I see posts, for example, of Forever Sleep, I want to react almost to all of them. I want say many of my thought. Or I often want to say something good to some of you. But I can't. I post few messages here, and this is compromise between my desire to communication with you and "tortures" which I must to endure.

I can't communicate with people in internet because of this.

It's very hard for me to put "reactions" under your messages. So I decided not to do this anymore except very rare cases, when reaction is better then answer. Sorry for that. I want you to know that I always very appreciate your answers except when they are rude. Even if I totally disagree with you.

I guess it will be a good idea to write this in my "signature". I will try to do this, but it may take a few days.

Of course I'm not on social media because I simply can't register there.

You know... People always said to me that I'm writing good (not in English of course). In my twenties I worked as editor and TV and radio presenter on national channels with good feedback. Even now some people say to me that I need to create a YouTube channel. And I would like to. But I can't.

I can't do anything. As I mentioned, in "analog" world things are going easier, but actions that people can make in 5 minutes, I can perform 8-10-12 hours. One day my laptop battery died and I needed to turn it on again. I did this for 3(!) days with breaks for sleep. For three days, I just kept turning my laptop on and off.

I have no friends, except one girl from Canada - we write to each other about 10-20 messages per week, because I can't normally communicate with people. I have no hobbies because I can't do anything and I don't interesting in anything anymore.

I don't want look like I'm the biggest sufferer in the world. Mental illnesses can be different. OCD can be different (not very hard and hard). Schizophrenia can be very hard mental illness. As I remember Schizophrenia and BPD in general have highest "suicidal rate". Approximately 15% (as I remember). But as said one psychiatrist (I don't remember the exact quote, but he said something like...) "Even schizophrenia, with its paranoid delusions, can seem like salvation compared to what a person with OCD may experience".

I just wanted to explain why I need finally end this trash-existing.

____

People with OCD. Maybe you can share your biggest problem with your form of OCD?

 

[darksouls]

thank you for the detailed explanation
that is really very interesting
I am so sorry for your suffering
I can understand that this is an enourmous burden for you
wish you the best
hope you find relief from suffering
thank you for taking the time to share your experiences with us

 

[Forever Sleep]

Not sure whether to be flattered really. Yes, I'm a 'she'- more or less. I suppose I don't exactly enjoy being considered 'lucky' or, 'enviable' hugely, although I know I should be. I ought to be grateful for the things I do have- I realise. Still, it sails too close to the: 'It's all right for you' sentiment- which- who really enjoys when they're struggling? That's not meaning to have a go at you though. I think it's only human to envy other people if they can seemingly do with ease, the things we struggle massively with.

I'm curious about what you're not envious about but then, I probably don't want to push that!... Of my worst experiences- 3 close family members dead before I was 10- including my Mum. Growing up with a (suspected) narcissist who I was terrified of. The expectation and subsequent difficulty to support myself? Lack of any romantic relationship... ever. Gallstones? That wasn't fun. Ideation for 35 years whilst still feeling trapped here so as not to hurt family members, borderline eating disorders and a tendency to develop limerence? Maybe it's my character though! I'm sure there are deep flaws. That said, I still wouldn't want to swap with people! I'd just rather have not been born at all.

I've felt more envy towards real life people. Mainly because they were more talented or, more confident. Here though? I suppose NEETS I tend to envy. But then, not if I really thought about it. If it's because they are too ill to work then- I can't legitimately envy that. It's cruel to envy that.

It's more that their parents accepted it though I suppose- even begrudginly. Maybe that their parents accepted their mental illness. My family doesn't have time for it really. It didn't feel like an option for me to insist I couldn't do things. If I struggled with something- that was the sign to push me to do more of it! It's debatable really, whether that's good. I used to envy people in (romantic) relationships but, I don't so much now.

Really though, I try to pull myself up when I do feel envy here. People are here because they're suffering in some way. We can't truly know the extent of that, what they've gone through. What it feels like to be them. So, I try to remind myself- both in real life and here- that even people who seem ok, may not actually be.

OCD does sound a nightmare though- I'm sorry. Are there ways to 'treat' it? Do you in fact need to force yourself to be uncomfortable to try to combat it? So- say- post a venting thread without proof reading it multiple times? Here is one if the few places I imagine you would be accepted- mistakes and all. Especially if you said you were doing this to try to combat it.

I can't say I am afflicted with this particular compulsion but, I believe I have suffered with borderline eating disorders and limerence- so I have experienced deep obsession and crazy compulsive behaviour. I worked so hard to get over both. To force myself not to do the physical behaviours my mind was insisting I do.

I don't know if OCD can be combated in a similar way? I have seen documentaries where people with cleanliness obsessions were encouraged to do something massively unhygenic for example- to kind of prove to themselves that the bad things they were fearing wouldn't happen if they didn't wash the same cup over and over.

I think I can understand the mental turbulence that would create. Forcing myself not to binge when I was in one of 'those' moods was so hard. Plus, obviously with needing to eat to survive, the triggers were constant. Have you tried to get treatment to target it?

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I envy the members who were able to sucessfully exit this hell ,the ones who had the courage to go through all the way with ctb

OP and OP post shows just one of the many unimaginable nightmares that can entrap any human

I've seen many different hells on this forum and the internet entrap people

It's such an evil world that people aren't allowed an easy guaranteed quick way to exit this hell. They made all guaranteed methods into crimes . The tech is there 1. Suicide booths like sarco 2. Nembutal one drink 3. Fentanyl 4 . Morphine heroin. 5. Hiring someone to inject u with nembutal or fentanyl or morphine heroin to assist u with nitrogen mask or to shoot me in the head with a gun.

 

[claracatchingthebus]

I envy Firefox for her honesty and genuineness.

I envy dust-in-the-wind for her thoroughness and her ability to put in effort even when things are hard.

I envy neither of their depressions, but admire both for their personalities and manner of dealing with depression.

 

[Takeme2whereibelong]

I envy Forever Sleep. Because she (she isn't he, right?) post so many her thoughts here, and I can't (I will explain). At the same time I don't envy she in one another aspect but I will not say which. :)

I envy I guess all of you, because you can, for example, manage your account details without problems, and for me simple managing my account details is torture (I will explain).

I envy those of you, who have hobbies, because I am not interesting in anything and can't do anything (I will explain).

At the same time I don't envy at all members with chronic pain. When I had a terrible headaches, even my worst mental problem went to second plan. And if these people have such pain constantly - it's hell. :(

____

OCD-venting.

(You can skip this and just answer the first question).

I have very hard OCD. I think all my other problems are fixable. Except some of my not very good actions in past. But my OCD is totally ruined my life.

I want explain to you the mechanism of my worst obsession and what the consequences.

When I do something (anything) I'm catching the obsessions all the time.

For example, I want to post something here. I'm typing text (that's another tricky puzzle) and pushing "Post reply" button. At this time or shortly after that I'm catching the obsession. I don't want to tell you what is this, but it's torture(!) for me. I immediately need to do compulsion which consists of repeating action. So I need to delete post and to post it again. I can do this several or even 5-8 hours(!). I guess someone of you already could noticed my strange behavior here. But if it were just compulsions I can imagine I could do them automatically. But remember all this 5-8 hours when I'm catching obsessions - it's torture(!) for me.

You can transfer this example to all(!) of my actions in "digital" world and almost all important actions in "analog" world. In "analog" world things are going a little easier.

Consequences.

When I see posts, for example, of Forever Sleep, I want to react almost to all of them. I want say many of my thought. Or I often want to say something good to some of you. But I can't. I post few messages here, and this is compromise between my desire to communication with you and "tortures" which I must to endure.

I can't communicate with people in internet because of this.

It's very hard for me to put "reactions" under your messages. So I decided not to do this anymore except very rare cases, when reaction is better then answer. Sorry for that. I want you to know that I always very appreciate your answers except when they are rude. Even if I totally disagree with you.

I guess it will be a good idea to write this in my "signature". I will try to do this, but it may take a few days.

Of course I'm not on social media because I simply can't register there.

You know... People always said to me that I'm writing good (not in English of course). In my twenties I worked as editor and TV and radio presenter on national channels with good feedback. Even now some people say to me that I need to create a YouTube channel. And I would like to. But I can't.

I can't do anything. As I mentioned, in "analog" world things are going easier, but actions that people can make in 5 minutes, I can perform 8-10-12 hours. One day my laptop battery died and I needed to turn it on again. I did this for 3(!) days with breaks for sleep. For three days, I just kept turning my laptop on and off.

I have no friends, except one girl from Canada - we write to each other about 10-20 messages per week, because I can't normally communicate with people. I have no hobbies because I can't do anything and I don't interesting in anything anymore.

I don't want look like I'm the biggest sufferer in the world. Mental illnesses can be different. OCD can be different (not very hard and hard). Schizophrenia can be very hard mental illness. As I remember Schizophrenia and BPD in general have highest "suicidal rate". Approximately 15% (as I remember). But as said one psychiatrist (I don't remember the exact quote, but he said something like...) "Even schizophrenia, with its paranoid delusions, can seem like salvation compared to what a person with OCD may experience".

I just wanted to explain why I need finally end this trash-existing.

____

People with OCD. Maybe you can share your biggest problem with your form of OCD?

Fellow ocd sufferer here believe you me i hear you loud and clear. It is without a doubt the hardest condition to try to explain to people and my biggest pet hate is when people say "oh i have a bit of ocd." They have NO IDEA what it means for suffers which is now why i say i have real ocd not fake ocd like 90% of the population claim. As you sadly bad ocd is any but germ related. Im lucky in that im on a good combo of meds that has helped immensely to be able to function ok. As for the intrusive thoughts im so used to them they dont bother me. Pre meds my whole days were consumed with compulsions and super weird ones like straring at an object for hrs till the feeling clicked in my head. To sit down oh my lord that took hrs doing the same thing and then id sit like a statue terrified something would set off another compulsion and the list goes on. Im realy sorry to hear your pain with this

 

[NoPoint2Life]

Not sure whether to be flattered really. Yes, I'm a 'she'- more or less. I suppose I don't exactly enjoy being considered 'lucky' or, 'enviable' hugely, although I know I should be. I ought to be grateful for the things I do have- I realise. Still, it sails too close to the: 'It's all right for you' sentiment- which- who really enjoys when they're struggling? That's not meaning to have a go at you though. I think it's only human to envy other people if they can seemingly do with ease, the things we struggle massively with.

I'm curious about what you're not envious about but then, I probably don't want to push that!... Of my worst experiences- 3 close family members dead before I was 10- including my Mum. Growing up with a (suspected) narcissist who I was terrified of. The expectation and subsequent difficulty to support myself? Lack of any romantic relationship... ever. Gallstones? That wasn't fun. Ideation for 35 years whilst still feeling trapped here so as not to hurt family members, borderline eating disorders and a tendency to develop limerence? Maybe it's my character though! I'm sure there are deep flaws. That said, I still wouldn't want to swap with people! I'd just rather have not been born at all.

I've felt more envy towards real life people. Mainly because they were more talented or, more confident. Here though? I suppose NEETS I tend to envy. But then, not if I really thought about it. If it's because they are too ill to work then- I can't legitimately envy that. It's cruel to envy that.

It's more that their parents accepted it though I suppose- even begrudginly. Maybe that their parents accepted their mental illness. My family doesn't have time for it really. It didn't feel like an option for me to insist I couldn't do things. If I struggled with something- that was the sign to push me to do more of it! It's debatable really, whether that's good. I used to envy people in (romantic) relationships but, I don't so much now.

Really though, I try to pull myself up when I do feel envy here. People are here because they're suffering in some way. We can't truly know the extent of that, what they've gone through. What it feels like to be them. So, I try to remind myself- both in real life and here- that even people who seem ok, may not actually be.

OCD does sound a nightmare though- I'm sorry. Are there ways to 'treat' it? Do you in fact need to force yourself to be uncomfortable to try to combat it? So- say- post a venting thread without proof reading it multiple times? Here is one if the few places I imagine you would be accepted- mistakes and all. Especially if you said you were doing this to try to combat it.

I can't say I am afflicted with this particular compulsion but, I believe I have suffered with borderline eating disorders and limerence- so I have experienced deep obsession and crazy compulsive behaviour. I worked so hard to get over both. To force myself not to do the physical behaviours my mind was insisting I do.

I don't know if OCD can be combated in a similar way? I have seen documentaries where people with cleanliness obsessions were encouraged to do something massively unhygenic for example- to kind of prove to themselves that the bad things they were fearing wouldn't happen if they didn't wash the same cup over and over.

I think I can understand the mental turbulence that would create. Forcing myself not to binge when I was in one of 'those' moods was so hard. Plus, obviously with needing to eat to survive, the triggers were constant. Have you tried to get treatment to target it?

I'm not sure I find anyone on here enviable

But I'm sure we can all find qualities of others that we envy. For me, OP hit it right on the nose with you. I am always amazed the thoughtful, intelligent, philosophical questions you come up with. I swear I always wonder how you come up with them.

I think it makes you come across as very smart. At least to me. Because I can't even answer most of your questions. They are too smart for me lol!!!

I envy Forever Sleep. Because she (she isn't he, right?) post so many her thoughts here, and I can't (I will explain). At the same time I don't envy she in one another aspect but I will not say which. :)

I envy I guess all of you, because you can, for example, manage your account details without problems, and for me simple managing my account details is torture (I will explain).

I envy those of you, who have hobbies, because I am not interesting in anything and can't do anything (I will explain).

At the same time I don't envy at all members with chronic pain. When I had a terrible headaches, even my worst mental problem went to second plan. And if these people have such pain constantly - it's hell. :(

____

OCD-venting.

(You can skip this and just answer the first question).

I have very hard OCD. I think all my other problems are fixable. Except some of my not very good actions in past. But my OCD is totally ruined my life.

I want explain to you the mechanism of my worst obsession and what the consequences.

When I do something (anything) I'm catching the obsessions all the time.

For example, I want to post something here. I'm typing text (that's another tricky puzzle) and pushing "Post reply" button. At this time or shortly after that I'm catching the obsession. I don't want to tell you what is this, but it's torture(!) for me. I immediately need to do compulsion which consists of repeating action. So I need to delete post and to post it again. I can do this several or even 5-8 hours(!). I guess someone of you already could noticed my strange behavior here. But if it were just compulsions I can imagine I could do them automatically. But remember all this 5-8 hours when I'm catching obsessions - it's torture(!) for me.

You can transfer this example to all(!) of my actions in "digital" world and almost all important actions in "analog" world. In "analog" world things are going a little easier.

Consequences.

When I see posts, for example, of Forever Sleep, I want to react almost to all of them. I want say many of my thought. Or I often want to say something good to some of you. But I can't. I post few messages here, and this is compromise between my desire to communication with you and "tortures" which I must to endure.

I can't communicate with people in internet because of this.

It's very hard for me to put "reactions" under your messages. So I decided not to do this anymore except very rare cases, when reaction is better then answer. Sorry for that. I want you to know that I always very appreciate your answers except when they are rude. Even if I totally disagree with you.

I guess it will be a good idea to write this in my "signature". I will try to do this, but it may take a few days.

Of course I'm not on social media because I simply can't register there.

You know... People always said to me that I'm writing good (not in English of course). In my twenties I worked as editor and TV and radio presenter on national channels with good feedback. Even now some people say to me that I need to create a YouTube channel. And I would like to. But I can't.

I can't do anything. As I mentioned, in "analog" world things are going easier, but actions that people can make in 5 minutes, I can perform 8-10-12 hours. One day my laptop battery died and I needed to turn it on again. I did this for 3(!) days with breaks for sleep. For three days, I just kept turning my laptop on and off.

I have no friends, except one girl from Canada - we write to each other about 10-20 messages per week, because I can't normally communicate with people. I have no hobbies because I can't do anything and I don't interesting in anything anymore.

I don't want look like I'm the biggest sufferer in the world. Mental illnesses can be different. OCD can be different (not very hard and hard). Schizophrenia can be very hard mental illness. As I remember Schizophrenia and BPD in general have highest "suicidal rate". Approximately 15% (as I remember). But as said one psychiatrist (I don't remember the exact quote, but he said something like...) "Even schizophrenia, with its paranoid delusions, can seem like salvation compared to what a person with OCD may experience".

I just wanted to explain why I need finally end this trash-existing.

____

People with OCD. Maybe you can share your biggest problem with your form of OCD?

And I also have OCD. I totally agree with you and @Takeme2whereibelong.
No one can fully understand unless they have it. I happen to have probably the most common type, contamination. But even mine is kind of different from many others. I can't even imagine going through the different kinds of OCD I have learned about in the last few years.

And HUGE agree with the people that say they just have a little OCD. I purposely have in my bio here that I am diagnosed with severe OCD. Makes a big difference in my mind.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm not sure I find anyone on here enviable

But I'm sure we can all find qualities of others that we envy. For me, OP hit it right on the nose with you. I am always amazed the thoughtful, intelligent, philosophical questions you come up with. I swear I always wonder how you come up with them.

I think it makes you come across as very smart. At least to me. Because I can't even answer most of your questions. They are too smart for me lol!!!

And I also have OCD. I totally agree with you and @Takeme2whereibelong.
No one can fully understand unless they have it. I happen to have probably the most common type, contamination. But even mine is kind of different from many others. I can't even imagine going through the different kinds of OCD I have learned about in the last few years.

And HUGE agree with the people that say they just have a little OCD. I purposely have in my bio here that I am diagnosed with severe OCD. Makes a big difference in my mind.

That's really kind of you to say. I think anyone who actually knows me would confirm I'm not very smart. Lol. I guess I have an equisitive mind and, a lot of time to think though- seeing as my job can be monotonous at times. Plus, I like the distraction of thinking about stuff. I can't usually answer the questions I ask either! I definitely admire you back because I think you've said you care for your parents. Is that right? Caring people should rule the world.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

That's really kind of you to say. I think anyone who actually knows me would confirm I'm not very smart. Lol. I guess I have an equisitive mind and, a lot of time to think though- seeing as my job can be monotonous at times. Plus, I like the distraction of thinking about stuff. I can't usually answer the questions I ask either! I definitely admire you back because I think you've said you care for your parents. Is that right? Caring people should rule the world.

My dad is totally healthy. My mother has a zillion health issues. I live with them, but unofficially help out. My dad does a lot too.

And that's very kind of you to bring up the caring issue. It's actually funny with you because you had a recent post that stood out to me as being very caring , where I thought it was something especially nice but small that no one would think about. You mentioned during Covid you did not get your groceries delivered so that they would be more available to people who really needed it.

It's really the little things in life.