
Felodese
Experienced
- Mar 31, 2024
- 295
I'm feeling very ambivalent. Right now I don't feel like I'm in the right headspace to be able go through with CTB, but it's still constantly on my mind. I have everything ready, all I need is a time and place.
There are a couple of things/ obligations coming up thst I feel like I have do before I go: a trip I've promised to go on (that I'm not really looking forward to) and my best friend's wedding. After that I'm technically good to go.
But I still feel like I can't make up my mind.
I'm in proper therapy for the first time. It's something I've been trying to get for over 20 years. Not sure it's acctually helping in anyway, but it can be nice to have someone to talk to, so some sessions are ok. Others leave me feeling mentally bruised and broken.
My shrink's a nice guy. Not too sure he knows what he's doing in my case, though, cause he seems to be winging it quite a bit at times.
I'm trying out meds that either have no effect or fuck me up in different ways.
Not sure if I'm trying to prove to myself and the world that I really have tried, before I go through with CTB, or if I'm just stalling cause I can't make up my mind. Cause I don't really feel like getting "better", even if it were possible.
There's that threshold to get over in order to be able to CTB and I feel like I have to get worse again, in order to get over it.
I'm legit scared that I'll stay indecisive forever - just holding on to my miserable life because I can't quite let go, even though the pain is the same continuous pain I've always had, and have always wanted to escape.
It would be so much easier if I could just get hit by a truck or get a fatal stroke or something, if the decision was made for me, since I can't manage to make it myself...
There are a couple of things/ obligations coming up thst I feel like I have do before I go: a trip I've promised to go on (that I'm not really looking forward to) and my best friend's wedding. After that I'm technically good to go.
But I still feel like I can't make up my mind.
I'm in proper therapy for the first time. It's something I've been trying to get for over 20 years. Not sure it's acctually helping in anyway, but it can be nice to have someone to talk to, so some sessions are ok. Others leave me feeling mentally bruised and broken.
My shrink's a nice guy. Not too sure he knows what he's doing in my case, though, cause he seems to be winging it quite a bit at times.
I'm trying out meds that either have no effect or fuck me up in different ways.
Not sure if I'm trying to prove to myself and the world that I really have tried, before I go through with CTB, or if I'm just stalling cause I can't make up my mind. Cause I don't really feel like getting "better", even if it were possible.
There's that threshold to get over in order to be able to CTB and I feel like I have to get worse again, in order to get over it.
I'm legit scared that I'll stay indecisive forever - just holding on to my miserable life because I can't quite let go, even though the pain is the same continuous pain I've always had, and have always wanted to escape.
It would be so much easier if I could just get hit by a truck or get a fatal stroke or something, if the decision was made for me, since I can't manage to make it myself...
