What’s keeping you here?

[Gorge_5155]

These are several reasons I haven't committed suicide, but the main reason is although I'm miserable, I recognize that in a way I'm privileged, because at least I'm not disabled.

I know there are multiple reasons attempted suicides can fail and with my luck I worry I would attempt, but instead of dying quickly, I would either die slowly or become disabled and those are my biggest fears.

I had a grandparent who died slowly and gradually became more and more disabled for two years before dying, that's an awful way to go and I don't want that to happen to me.

 

[itsgone2]

I had a grandparent who died slowly and gradually became more and more disabled for two years before dying, that's an awful way to go and I don't want that to happen to me.

Even if you live life correctly, the end is still usually miserable. This experience, expensive care, dementia, what are we sticking around for? A potential nightmare at the end?

But to answer your question I'm afraid. I think many of us are. I just spent hours in a park near a gun store. Trying to work up the guts to finally make a purchase. Failed. Again. I'm heading toward a cliff anyway I wish I would take control but fear or SI or whatever is crippling.

 

[Kanoh]

Si and not wanting to bring suffering to my mother. Once she passes though I'll be leaving soon after if not before.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Fear. If I had an overdose of barbiturates I'd be gone. Today was another "buy a gun" day like @itsgone2 and I don't have the guts. I know it hurts too much but I might try to hang again.

 

[SarRy]

Family shouldn't have to bury family. Not like that anyway. But, it didn't stop me from trying before so, I guess I'm just a coward of some sort. Life isn't always bad even if disability isn't recognized. Maybe, I have some hope. Maybe, I'm afraid of ending up even worse by a failed attempt. Maybe, I know my stomach wouldn't handle it. Maybe, I pray too much.

 

[Aether_Mourner]

the fear of making mistakes

 

[sanctionedusage]

i want to join and be of use to the ALF. i have a life i'm ready to give up on; i should be able to use it to make a difference.

 

[Nemo1004]

Cowardliness and being apathetic, funny how the worse things are what keeps you alive

 

[JustBe]

Survival instinct.
Family.
Cowardise too, ngl.
And a bit of hope that it could go better. Like, you know, same mechanism as "I'll win the lottery". Yeah chances of things going better aren't 0.00%. But in my case it's probably sub-1%.

 

[TrulyNeverCertain]

Not fully prepared, Still have some more things to do before I can CTB, for both myself and anyone potentially impacted.
Slightly selfish. I want to stay, but I know it's not good for those I care about.
Maybe holding out for a better solution.
Finally, I'm just lazy.

 

[terrifiedofhumans]

The idea that one day I might find happiness living in a desert place, without having to deal with people on a daily basis.

 

[777cave]

Fear my attempt won't be successful

 

[FuneralCry]

I only continue to suffer as I exist in this horrific, evil world where humans have made it into a crime to die painlessly, it's just so horrific extreme cruelty in how so many humans want to do all they can to make it so others suffer for as much and as long as possible, to me existence truly is the most terrible mistake.

I always suffer so much from being trapped in this horrific torture prison world where even know this existence was so tragically imposed the suffering and torture of existing is seen as to force and prolong no matter what, anti-suicide is just so evil to me, all that anti-suicide does is just cause harm and suffering, to exist truly is an abomination and I see it as the most terrible, devastating tragedy how this existence was imposed at all.

 

[Sylveon]

That's 'cause I'm too pathetic to even commit to committing suicide; I just whine about my life and fantasize about suicide to cope, all while living like a leech.

 

[cluefixphantom]

So far, I've been waiting to see if things get worse and if my organs might just fail in my sleep. I often think about whether I should still try something in life, but the main reason I haven't CTB now is that my method still feels too uncertain. I'm considering using carbon monoxide poisoning and have a petroleum oven and lamp oil for that. But I would need to seal my room windows with tape, and I think 30 square meters is still too big. There are also three smoke detectors here. I don't know if I should wait until all state assistance is completely cut off. I still have my mother who occasionally brings something to the door, but no one else. Maybe I go with a tent to my mothers house and CTB in the garden. The problem would be the heat that builds up from the petroleum oven – it holds 6 liters, so it should burn well for about maybe two days. I used different Chatbots and all say even in my room it would be highly lethal. The oven looks similar to the picture

 

[PrismHon]

In a word, laziness.

 

[yotaka]

To be honest, I'm kind of surprised to see that my reasons are similar to so many other people's here. And it is multiple reasons, some of which I'm probably not even aware of.

One of the big ones is my loved ones. Sometimes I'm able to convince myself that they would be able to deal with it, that suffering is inevitable and even if I don't kill myself, we're all going to die eventually. If they don't mourn my death, it just means I will be mourning theirs. Still, it's so hard for me to knowingly cause pain to them. With one person in particular, she has done so much for me, for so many people. She is an angel in so many ways. The thought of bringing that darkness into her life... I don't know if I can ever do it.

Of course there's fear as well. It's not even fear of pain; I experience pain every day. Pain is life. But, as much as I wish for relief, standing face to face with nothingness, with ceasing to exist forever, it's terrifying.

And then there's this irrational hope that maybe, somehow things will get better. There's this small, absurd-but-persistent part of me that is holding out for the big reveal—that vague nonexistent truth that I've somehow missed this whole time or that incredible event that's never going to happen that will make it all worthwhile.

Admittedly, like others have said, I'm also just lazy. It's hard to plan everything out. I guess it's the paradox of being a lazy idealist: I want to go out in a beautiful way in a beautiful place, but it will take work to make that happen, and I've never stuck with it long enough to make anything beautiful.

Yeah... I'm a mess.

 

[hitagi-crab]

Ironically enough, genuinely contemplating suicide makes me feel a little bit like I can just live my life, since I know I'll always have a way out if things become intolerably bad. It's thinking about having to endure every terrible thing that the future will bring what that makes me want to die.

 

[Wakawaka]

sometimes when I get high it hurts less

 

[sessh0maru]

These are several reasons I haven't committed suicide, but the main reason is although I'm miserable, I recognize that in a way I'm privileged, because at least I'm not disabled.

I know there are multiple reasons attempted suicides can fail and with my luck I worry I would attempt, but instead of dying quickly, I would either die slowly or become disabled and those are my biggest fears.

I had a grandparent who died slowly and gradually became more and more disabled for two years before dying, that's an awful way to go and I don't want that to happen to me.

i'm still here because i couldn't put that burden on my mothers shoulders. my mum is my whole world, and i can't leave her. no parent should have to deal with losing their baby.

 

[copioushopelessness]

Cowardliness and being apathetic, funny how the worse things are what keeps you alive

FELT

sometimes when I get high it hurts less

Weed? After being a stoner most my life it started giving me anxiety. Go figure. It would take some strong stuff to make me feel better. I envy anyone who gets benzos prescribed. Doctors around here won't. Sorry for like blowing this site up. It's all I got.
Fear. Apathy. Lack of the method I prefer. But mostly not wanting to mess up the only two innocent people I love. Otherwise I'm alone and there probably isn't any purpose to my life.
Why do my replies get mashed together. Ugh I'm so stupid.

 

[parasyte]

fear

 

[YourLocalSadGirly]

I'm under near constant surveillance by my parents which makes executing my preferred method (CO) difficult. I'm still going to try soon though.

 

[alstroemeria55]

I'm a lifelong procrastinator. SI, cowardice, thinking something might just get better. If I had a button that would just make me disappear I would press it so fast. But suicide is not that easy.

 

[deeprootdisease]

not having SN with me rn but the moment it arrives im #GONE