Venting What the fuck do I do?

[3FailedAttemptss]

So my appointment at the suicide prevention clinic didn't go as I planned or I mean- I didn't have any plans, but I was certainly surprised how it ended up going with me having to text my sister about my SN while the therapist is looking over at my phone or else i'd be locked up in the psych ward again. So now I'm in this situation where, once again for the fucking second time (which is crazy to me), that I'll have my SN taken from me. So now I just don't know what the fuck to do. I don't know what to do like do I just order more? At this point I just- I feel like a fucking loser fucking poser FREAK like what the fuck is wrong with me???? like who the fuck buys SN THREE FUCKING TIMES!!!!!

Anyway, yeah, I mean like do I just fucking order it again? like I don't know - do I wait do I see how things go?? it feels like everything's fucking working against me. It's insane like it's fucking so crazy. I don't know if I'm fucking this up for myself, I mean I just fucking went there cause I was fucking forced by my family so I mean, I don't fucking know like is this my fault??? that I fucking am I stupid, did I just tell them too much? like I mean I couldn't fucking leave I mean they were saying they take me to the psych ward again so I what the fuck!!!!!

I guess I don't know my problem is that I have these like three states: neutral, manic and scared.

• The neutral part of me thinks it makes sense that I kill myself like it just makes sense and besides, like what's the point of living? we all die sometime so it doesn't fucking matter to me. But mainly, I've tried. I've really tried to do things that I really thought and expected would make me happy and they just haven't so with that in mind it's like OK well, I'm never gonna be happy so what's the point of living a life like that, I don't want to do that. I just wanna die then.
• The manic part of me, that's the one I can't control that's the one I know is gonna kill me. When I order my SN. I'm just watching my body perform these actions. I'm not in control of that. I'm not in the driver seat there and I'll catch myself repeating out loud that I'm excited to kill myself and and and like when I snap out of the manic state, I'll catch myself and I'll be like what the fuck? What??
• Lastly, the scared part of me thinks it's fucking tragic that I kill myself. I don't like suicide. I don't like the idea of me killing myself. I think that's so fucking sad. I think that's terrible and awful and really really really sad that that's what I've come to and when I'm scared, I'm scared that I will for certain go over to the manic state and I cannot control myself in my manic and that's gonna kill me! I just know that's gonna kill me. I know that I'm gonna kill myself and that even though it's a suicide, I am not in control of that I can't stop it. I can just watch and that freaks me the fuck out sometimes it scares me so much.

So I don't know like during my three hour fucking session there at the suicide prevention shit they were like "oh well there's a scared part of you- you know, you should listen to that" but like no! When I'm in my neutral state, I think it makes sense that I kill myself. I'm just rambling now but like I don't know it's just I just feel like a fucking loser like such a fucking poser fucking freak you know? like I've tried to kill myself three times now and I've ordered SN twice and I'm still alive. I'm still here writing this fucking bullshit. So I don't know like what do I do? Do I fucking try to entertain this suicide prevention for a while and see how it goes? Do I order more SN like what the fuck do I do? I just I don't know. I don't know if anyone actually answer this, but I'm just so lost and frustrated with myself that I'm just I don't know what to do.

I really really really really really don't know what to do. I guess I don't know it's just like I don't want to make a pattern of me just fucking buying SN every like 2 to 3 weeks and it's just been taken from me. Like I don't want it taken from me and it's like every time that's happened that's not really been my doing but it just feels fucking weird. I just feel like that the boy who cried wolf like I feel like a fucking freak is just like it's so fucked up I would never ever do any of this for fucking attention, but I just feel like some fucking poser attention whore is fucking like some fucking freak like I should be dead by now. I should be fucking dead. I should be fucking dead and I should've fucking fuck man fuck

 

[Worndown]

Maybe SN is not meant to be your method.
Never speak of your ideation again.
They (all of them) may be good at stopping you, but are not good at helping you.

 

[kimcoffee_]

just stop talking about it and like hide half of it once you get it?

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

just stop talking about it

That's not rlly an option when you're being threatened with being locked up in the ward again again again - they literally cornered me, I had no fucking choice D:

Now my moms insisting on joining/following me to my next consultation so i can't even avoid going.

 

[Eedrah]

if its worth anything, i think the way you express yourself is great, and your not a fucking poser or a loser or whatever, life is fucking hard for some of us and it seems like youre just doing your best. but yeah, maybe the SN isnt gonna work, i dont know, follow your heart, i hope you dont die and instead go on to make the world more exciting or something

 

[Cauliflour]

What does SN stand for? Sorry, I haven't been around on this website for long.

 

[BoredNTired.2]

What does SN stand for? Sorry, I haven't been around on this website for long.

Sodium nitrite

Sodium nitrite

 

[ke9]

You are not a poser or anything like that. I have these same kinds of thoughts, too. I guess that's why we're on here--to discuss this stuff without judgment. The suicide prevention people are paid to have an agenda. It's their job not to let anyone ctb. So they will say all sorts of things that aren't true or too simplistic, which just messes with our minds. Ultimately, you have to decide what's right for you without their scripts getting in the way of honest thought and conversation.

 

[HollowCreek]

I'd be really interested to know how/why it failed and how you kept on getting caught. I talked my way out of a psych ward after getting caught with sn. If you seriously followed the pph protocol word for word and it didnt work then this is not your method. Otherwise, yes, hide half of it. Even in thirds. The best thing you could do is go along with everything and appear level headed in the meantime. Talk but don't tell the truth. Being visibly vehemently frusturated (not sure if you are) will only give them more of a reason to inpatient you. Stay safe x.

 

[Droso]

I'd be really interested to know how/why it failed and how you kept on getting caught.

It's an assumption, but I imagine that it's due to how OP becomes manic and starts saying how she can't wait to kill herself out loud. She said she isn't really in control of her actions during that time period and that can lead her to do impulsive things that can get her caught. It also seems like she does not wait until she is off the psychologist's radar to order SN (she said every 2 to 3 weeks and that is NOT long enough to have someone believe you won't ctb, especially when she can go manic).

To OP-
(Preface: not telling you what you should do, just what I would do in your position)

I would try to lie to these authority figures if you are set on ctb. Just show a natural progression of you "getting better" and saying you are listening to your scared side. Once you convince them, end therapy if you can (I know sometimes it is government mandated). Present yourself as mentally healthy to your family all the while. Start ordering random innocent things if you have the money, your family's suspicion will go down. Then you can revisit your ctb method and if you will do it.