Discussion What makes you struggle?

[OliverGarden]

I'm currently going through the worst depressive period I've had in half a decade. I wanted to make this thread for me, and anyone else, to write their own analysis of why they're going through what they're going through. Maybe it can help us get some perspective, and get better.

I haven't quite learned how to live without occupying my day with others. I haven't learned to love myself past what I can offer to people, and my self-worth is tied to my achievements in life and others' opinions of me. I don't know how to live happily by myself, and my future relies entirely on being with someone else (partner). I'm a very family-oriented person, even when it's hurtful or challenging. I don't value my own feelings and emotions as much as I do other people's.

 

[itsgone2]

Similar in areas. I only define myself by my achievements. It's been impossible for me I life to just relax and have fun. Then about 20 years ago I had a surgery that didn't go well and led to acute insomnia. Idk but I think that led to my being cruel to people. I was shy if anything before that. But then more than a decade just completely uncaring about the feelings of others. And no focus on life and family and the things I'm supposed to be doing. Sorry if that's a little vague. But I turned into a monster, had numerous opportunities to identify that and adjust, but here I am. A ruined life that I'm desperate to end

 

[OliverGarden]

Similar in areas. I only define myself by my achievements. It's been impossible for me I life to just relax and have fun. Then about 20 years ago I had a surgery that didn't go well and led to acute insomnia. Idk but I think that led to my being cruel to people. I was shy if anything before that. But then more than a decade just completely uncaring about the feelings of others. And no focus on life and family and the things I'm supposed to be doing. Sorry if that's a little vague. But I turned into a monster, had numerous opportunities to identify that and adjust, but here I am. A ruined life that I'm desperate to end

I think people like us have difficulty with being idle because when we're idle, we're not being productive. We're being lazy, worthless, irresponsible... and if you see your self-worth in tangible achievements of some kind, that can really hurt. For me, I see my self-worth in academic and gaming achievements. I've cried over not hitting a rank in Rivals before, or for not getting as high an exam grade at school. I'm currently awaiting my uni entrance results, and I've kinda subconsciously made it a point to expedite my ctb if I don't get in.

Insomnia absolutely affects your mood and EQ significantly. Sleep deprivation is basically slowly killing your brain... I assume you've tried every method you're aware of so I won't bother with that, but I hope someday you can find ways to get relief from it. <3

I told myself I'm a monster as well, for hurting my boyfriend, even if on accident. But... I think being a monster is knowingly hurting people with no remorse. But clearly you regret it. You don't wanna be that person. Recovery and adjustment doesn't happen overnight, or linearly at all. It could take a day, a week, months, years, decades... what matters is if you're trying, and wanna be better. I hope someday you can find what works for you.

 

[itsgone2]

I think people like us have difficulty with being idle because when we're idle, we're not being productive. We're being lazy, worthless, irresponsible... and if you see your self-worth in tangible achievements of some kind, that can really hurt.

You're exactly right on this. I always hated being idle, or seeing someone idle. But i didn't always fill my time with productive things. Seeing others as lazy though, and getting frustrated by that, is an enormous regret.

 

[OliverGarden]

You're exactly right on this. I always hated being idle, or seeing someone idle. But i didn't always fill my time with productive things. Seeing others as lazy though, and getting frustrated by that, is an enormous regret.

A phrase that I got from the game Expedition 33 that I try to live by nowadays...

"I'm enjoying the uselessness of today, and readying my usefulness for tomorrow!"

 

[Spicy Tteokbokki]

In the past it was all the abuse I went through, both at home, by society, and at school — a triple whammy.
These days it's more just how trash society is and how broken everything is, how if you can't fit in the precise mold you're SOL; you're forced to either take drugs to cope or pray you can get on welfare or somehow survive being a hobo.
Then there's the impact humans have on earth, which by itself is super unsustainable, yet we're told to do more to save the planet because it's the fault of consumers. Now we also have several GW big AI datacenters being built to make cat pictures. Fucking great.

 

[calebzz1]

I'm currently going through the worst depressive period I've had in half a decade. I wanted to make this thread for me, and anyone else, to write their own analysis of why they're going through what they're going through. Maybe it can help us get some perspective, and get better.

I haven't quite learned how to live without occupying my day with others. I haven't learned to love myself past what I can offer to people, and my self-worth is tied to my achievements in life and others' opinions of me. I don't know how to live happily by myself, and my future relies entirely on being with someone else (partner). I'm a very family-oriented person, even when it's hurtful or challenging. I don't value my own feelings and emotions as much as I do other people's.

Honestly, my visual impairment is the crux of my issues and is why I struggle so much at the moment.

As stated before on my previous posts I was taking a drop called Atropine 1% sulfate drops which would remove my blur but without it I am back to being impaired for real this time and literally feel like Markus in the junkyard from Detroit: Become Human.



This is honestly the most accurate representation on how it feels, minus the red static of course and the blur is a bit less heavy.

I am the oppostie of you and don't really care what people think because I am very limited on what I can do and don't really want to engage in small talk.

I have different goals than most peopel and have a relatively short fuse if they cannot help my medical situaiton or make progress in other facets of my life.

I tell my mom once a day that people should help given my situation and not the other way around, which is why I don't people please and try to be a hero.

Thankfully, assuming my condition takes longer to clear I will be able to live alone hopefully by the end of next year.

My family hasn't offered a path to help heal my conditon or offer any real guidance.

Due to being visually impaired, I have had to miss out on so many experiences which hasn't been my fault but I still distinctly remember my older brother stating at a family gathering "I work with fucking blind people." when I tried to confide in him and ask for assistance.

I have a lot of fuel to be alone and will happily do that if I'm stuck with the same condition for a while.

I'm going to take the second route as I like to call it which is getting a disability check and living a simple life is this is more permanent.

My condition is "curable" as my providers state but I have not had any major functional gains since May of last year unfortunately.

 

[FoxSauce]

Is having a hard time with your emotions a struggle? Also a long period of "I have to do this" of I wanna suceed while keeping myself afloat.

I dont know how to deal with either and its slowing eating at me. I really dont wanna wake up just sleep. Idk id im looking at things as fully black or fully white.

 

[Pilgrim_]

I'm tired of all of the burdens that come with life, like maintaining a healthy body, keeping the house clean, fulfilling my responsibilities, and most of all satisfying the expectations of others. I don't know how to cope with it anymore and my hobbies aren't helping as much as they used to. If any of you have gone through or are going through a similar thing I'd like to hear how you dealt with it or are dealing with it.

 

[Kirke]

I only define myself by my achievements. It's been impossible for me I life to just relax and have fun.

Same here. A long time ago I was inspired by the phrase "You are what you do" and over time it just destroyed the entire balance of my life. Ugh. I still can't be unproductive, but at least I expanded the list of "productive" activities.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

What makes me struggle is autism - and other people.

Just found out a friend I have had a crush on has been dating someone, and that they've essentially been cheating in all their relationships. I realize the person I thought I wanted is a cheater. I realize he's never going to choose me. There's more to it but I feel my heart is shattered. He was one of the few friends I've ever had and everyone DOES leave in the end.

 

[ecolofienjoyer]

I think I can catagorise my struggles into 3 groups: physical, social and exetential. Each does a varrying level of harm to me

Physical: well this is just mostly me complaining about not bieng cis. How I look, my anatomy/genetics, what I can/can't do etc.

Social: I don't pass so ppl still see/treat me like a guy irl and its ass.

Exetential: I don't think life has any meaning and theres no reason to continue at all regardless of circumstance(note im not saying theres any reason to end it im just saying there is not inate value to living). Morals are also just kind of made up as well as everything else.

If I had to guess how much harm each does its probs smth like
Physical: 50-70%
Social: 10-30%
Exetential: 20-40%

I dont know because its not like I can run a neural analysis and find out exactly but these figs are my guess based on how i feel

 

[Forever Sleep]

This probably sounds ridiculous but I hate (so much) so many of the necessary things we need to do in life. I detest all domestic chores. I can live in squalor (embarassingly) but then- you kind of can't forever before health issues start materializing. So, I just spend vast chunks of time feeling really miserable and resentful.

I've tried the obvious things too. Putting music/ films on, breaking stuff up into manageable tasks, focusing on the end result, rewarding myself after wins.

I've developed strong anti-natilist views the past few years so- it usually takes that direction too... 'It's so unfair I was born and am now being expected to do all this. What on earth were my parents thinking?'

In opposition to that, I've inherited a strong work ethic and sense of shame about all that I neglect. My parents also regularly- if not directly- remind me of their judgements towards lazy, slovenly people. So really- it's just a whole bunch of resentment swirling around a lot of the time about the pressure to work hard to sustain a life I don't even want.

There are general worries always in the background too. I have a freelance creative job and can usually work from home. Of all the jobs I've had, it suits me the best. But, it's constantly uncertain. I'm generally either worrying when I have work- that I'm doing a good enough job, that I'm making it financially viable (which I'm not.) Or, I'm panicking that I don't have work. So, it's hard to really relax when I do have down time. Both of which threaten the job itself, which then makes me panic I may have to wage slave again in retail or something. Or, just work alongside others again.

Plus, in the background still, there are bereavements going back years, sometimes tens of years but, they still remain. Plus, other step family childhood crap/ horrible memories that keep being raked over.

The weirdest thing though is- since becoming more actively suicidal, some of those anxieties have dulled. What's there really to worry about when death is an option?

 

[amputatedandalone]

I never figured out what I was "meant for" in life, and now I missed my shot. I kind of had a charmed life. I stumbled into a good career based on skill, skipped education and figured I'd never need a degree since I already had a career. Now my job is gone, I'm middle-aged, just about broke, missing my legs, and my friends bailed because everything is my own fault, and I really can't deny it.