i want to exit this hell asap. i fear failure and remaining alive with brain damage and other damage . this is why i haven't attempted suicide .
and also i hadn't worked on defeating my si or even deciding on a method out of many because i got too addicted all my life to meaningless garbage like youtube videos, news, sports, media, social media , TV , anything on screens, internet, videos .
i mean that's all i did from age 3? to 18 and then kept going every day 15 hours a day on all this media. so that's what i became that's what my brain was taught to think it does what it is what i am what it does to "survive" and "thrive" watch videos etc . NO all that watching all that media garbage every day all day does is destroy my mind brainwash me terribly and make me more addicted to that garbage.
so yeah i dabbled in methods , i dabbled in enlightening myself with real reality as to how bad life is and i posted some of that on here . but that was a little bit of dabbling compared to my 10000 jobs of watching fucking social media news tv youtube and other addictive destructive garbage. and philosophy or some enlightment isn't going to do as much as other things i could do to defeat my si and do it kill myself.
i mainly posted here to try to win the battle in my brain , to get me into reality. to defeat my si. i didn't post to influence anyone else but me . only my brain needs to change only my hands and brain and body can get me out of this worst trap . only me my hands my brain and body deciding on , getting it ready to go and executing my suicide method will get me out of the worst trap ever the worst situation the most extreme torture. nobody else will help
above i said I want to kill myself asap. but i think that is a part of my brain , when i think about the gravity of my situation . when i ;m watching shit evil youtube or some other social media i forget about me my situation and what i need to do .
in the last 4 years : if i would've worked on 1.delete everything except deciding on my suicide method one method deleting all other methods 2. getting that one method ready deleting everything else everything that doesn't really help me execute that method well solving problems removing obstacles and excuses ,optimizing it . and 3. defeating si getting myself to do it execute my method to My Death not calling ER keeping it a secret from the hospital ER. and removing excuces.
if i had spent even 1/10 of the time on 1, 2 and 3 that i spent on youtube social media news , tv etc i would've have already killed myself and been free of this evil hell of hells in the last 4 years. i should've worked on only 1 2 and 3 most of the time every day but instead i watched videos , tv , youtube , internet , social media etc most of the time which is why i haven't made any progress toward my real only rational goal my suicide asap
no philosophical enlightment, no learning about what i am or reality or this world and humans are , nothing execpt hard work hours every day on deciding on one top method ignoring everyhing else , working hours on getting that method ready to go and geting myself to do it and go all the way through with it . only massive action every day and doing it actualy killing myself with my one method wil get me out of the worst trap. everything else is crap meaningless and more horribly takes away my focus my time from working on my method and getting myself to do it all way to Death. Death is the only thing that can save me . but wishing on that i die or hoping something or someone will do it for me when i take a few minutes from my watcher of youtubube jobs will not do a damn thing. only getting my mehod realiable and building confidence in my method and doing it with MY hands MY body MY brain sucessfully to Death / Non-existence forever will save me from the worst torture. only My hands my body and my brain using the means of my method will do it .
