Help What do I do with these thoughts and feelings?

[lost_one]

My head won't stop, won't shut up. I feel a million things, too many. I feel distraught, shattered into pieces, but not at all surprised, I can always see things comming, like a train that I can't stop, and I also can't move out of the way.

I hate life, nothing works, everything sucks, I have to go to work tomorrow as if nothing happened, I have to walk the dogs and go to the gym, and I just want to stay in bed and cry. In fact I don't even want to wake up tomorrow, but I have to. Cause life doesn't stop. no and every day I spend depressed doing nothing is another thing that I should have done that dis going to come back to by me in the ass.

"You shouldn't be crying, you knew this was comming it was a matter of time. Or just grow up and stop having expectations, stop having wants and needs...then she will stay"

I am tired. I am sad, frustrated, dissaponted, angry, (I want to punch the wall until my fingers a bloody or my wrist breaks, I can't cause I can't afford a noise complaint...I hate it, I hate life, I can't have anything, nothing can work)

I have to go to my first appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I want to scream, I want to cut my whole body with a razor blade (at least that I can do in silence).

I hate hearing my phone ring, cause it's never anything good, or anything I care about. It's never going to her again and this is so DUMB.

So Dumb, can someone please help me!. I don't think there is anything anyone can tell me to make me feel better, or to make it stop.

god why am I so pathetic and weak, I cry and I cry and I cry, and I do everything I am suposed to. WHAT'S THE POINT IF THE BEST I CAN FEEL IN INDIFERENCE.

I hate it, no one is ever going to convince me I am not cursed. That the universe doesn't hate me.

I wont shut up, I should, I should go to sleep. I have to wake up at 7 am tomorrow. I think I going to do a number on my leg, it's already cut up from like 3 days ago, when I didn't have the balls to throw my motorcycle into the on comming traffic. or to just not turn the road did. No, no of course not, that is why I am here screaming into the void. And that is my life. That is it. I do what I should, and I scream into the void and nobody cares. I and I hope I die of heart failure in my forties.

I also hate the cold, I hate that I already showered, cause I need a shower, and I feel like can't shower again, after like two hour of having just showered. But I am cold. and sad.

No one is going to read this. I am nobody, I don't exist. Well unless someone needs something from me. And try and try. And I always fail at everything. I am so fucking pathetic.

The self pitty too. just jump from the building or shut up!

No one has ever loved me, no one ever will. No one will even know I was there. And I hate everyone. I am so bitter. If I could take all of humanity with me when I go I would.

I am tired, and angry and sad, depressed, frustrated, disappointed, isolated, powerless, empty, ( a shell of person), resentful, worthless, uselles. Alive.

There I named my emotions, just like my therapist told me to. now can I jump off the bulding? hahah.

Shut up moron.

yes ma'm

 

[AnimeSlayersFan]

I will absolutely ruin your day telling you that I like you.

Yep, now you have one person that told you this, and I read it cause I posted and thought "hey, I'm not the only one in pain, and SS people are usually cool, let's check this one out"
I give you full permission to jump off of anywhere you may want to, but by doing so, by having AGENCY, you will probably not want to so much.
Agency is the thing taken away from us a lot, in fact, I wouldn't mind if you DM'ed me to chat privately tonight.
We are the blind leading the blind, as we are all mentally ill or banged up people, but even so, I wanna say this:

I believe we, (and you in this case, and well, myself too), internalize all the shit and trauma that's put ON TOP of us.
By internalize I truly mean it, we do buy up, eat up, BELIEVE, that these thoughts are our own. But It might be just trauma.

Even psychiatrists don't always have a fix for this, I've been put on a mental ward and diagnosed with depression and no one truly heard what I meant or wanted to say, they made a choice for me.

But instead of taking away a choice from you, I'll give you a little choice for you to have tonight, reply to this post or send me a DM, or tell me to fuck off. Or well, you can also choose the third option, and ignore me.

Either path you choose you are still fucked, cause you now know some people DO care. Sadly it's not the people who you encounter on a daily basis.

I wish you the best Crow.