Discussion What are the reasons you want to ctb?

[Manic Panic]

I'm dealing with chronic illness and can't leave the house much anymore.
What is your reasonings for wanting to ctb?

 

[starboy2k]

this reality is straight up booty-butt-cheek-ass. a "good life" may soothe the burn of the eternal hellfire we experience on a daily basis, but that doesn't change the fact that this universe is a glorified shit infested monkey cage….and I want out.

(didnt know how poetic I could be when drunk)

 

[lifeisbutadream]

I'm dealing with chronic illness and can't leave the house much anymore.
What is your reasonings for wanting to ctb?

Same. Chronic pain.

 

[kopebaldy]

I'm losing the rat race and I'm tired pal

 

[darksouls]

I'm dealing with chronic illness and can't leave the house much anymore.
What is your reasonings for wanting to ctb?

same here

 

[Nobodi]

Pure hopelessness the future looks too dull to continue

 

[botanist_dude]

Money. I can never get enough to support my family. And the fact that everyone knows I'm total failure. It has been 1 year already looking for options to CTB that would allow my family to collect insurance, still no success. Everything I look for can fail

 

[carterprobs]

I never wanted to be here in the first place. I'm at a good place right now to do it. No one will miss me. It will be a relief for everyone in my life when I'm gone. Which hurts because I'm ALWAYS trying, but it's true.

 

[amerie]

I've made almost hundreds of posts here venting and moping about my situation, but basically

- I grew up neurodivergent and I've been rejected by everyone and I have no community where I feel like I belong, I'm perceived as an airhead and I'm insanely socially awkward to the point where I rarely go outside for anything other than grocery shopping or walking because talking to people is unbearable and I'll be called some variation of "weird" for just existing.

- Because I can't socialize, I've destroyed so many relationships and I only have one (1) friend currently and they live in a different state because my aura is negative and people don't like texting or talking to me

- Doing basic tasks is insanely difficult for me, I don't like school because studying makes me anxious, I hate doing chores, and my room is often littered with trash and moldy food because I don't like cleaning. I mean obviously I do study and clean especially in public or when I'm sharing a room, but it takes me a long time to even get the will to start and I find it stressful.

- I'm very sensitive and I get overwhelmed easily, I have strange phobias that most people wouldn't understand and the smallest changes can determine whether or not my day is ruined.

- I don't like being Black and Asian, not because I worship whiteness, but I feel rejected by both cultures and I feel policed in how I can express myself and I don't have a lot of people in my life who have anything similar about them. There are also things I dislike about both cultures that alienate me from further connecting to them.

And that's pretty much it, obviously you can't live in the victim mentality for the rest of your life, and I do have to tend to my daily responsibilities and improve myself in spite of my desire to CTB, but there will be a point where I burn out and can no longer do these things, and I will never be accepted by the world or loved unconditionally. So I find existence pointless. I'm only alive so that I can at least say that I've lived a life that was rewarding and perhaps inspire someone else with similar circumstances to do something great for themselves. I see myself CTB'ing at around 28-33 years old, maybe 45 if I enjoy life enough, but I'm not making it past that age.

 

[Aiyuxiao]

I'm dealing with chronic illness and can't leave the house much anymore.
What is your reasonings for wanting to ctb?

I'm so sorry! I understand how you feel!

I'm on this site because of chronic illnesses and chronic pain 24/7. I don't leave my home much either :( I also have cPTSD, GAD, and MDD.

 

[ellevain]

Failed career. Failed family. Failed lovelife. Chronic illness. And more importantly, putting myself first for the first time in three and half decades. Enough with this live for this and that and them BS.

 

[FuneralCry]

For me I'd just always prefer to not exist no matter what, in this futile, torturous existence that to me is deeply undesirable in every way I only see non-existence as positive, all I wish and hope for is to never suffer ever again and I find it the most terrible tragedy how this existence was imposed causing all this cruelty, harm and suffering as a result with no limit as to how much one can be tortured.

I suffer simply from being burdened with this existence I always saw as a mistake, for me existence is the problem and I'll always see existence as an abomination that just tortures existing beings until non-existence takes away all anyway, all I want is to never exist again, I just wish for some peace, I find it so horrible how a human can be conscious in this existence for so long just to die tortured by old age, it's all so terrible and dreadful to me.

 

[dearlydeparted44]

The life that I strived for my whole life was an illusion. I invested too much of my life force into a myth of a future. The things I want out of this life don't exist or aren't accessible to me. Money problems will always persist. I never belonged in this world. I'm alone. I'm not lonely, because I value quality relationships over quantity of relationships. Therefore, I choose to be by myself. Human love amounts to nothing. This life is just flat out unacceptable to me. It will never allow me to reach my fullest potential.

I'm very tired of playing an unwinnable game.

 

[FoxSauce]

Disregulation. Intense emotions. Abandonment or impulsive. Depends moslty.

 

[Hangman.]

My life is not worth living.
I have a very pessimistic nihilist view of the world.

 

[kiro__]

My life is not worth living.
I have a very pessimistic nihilist view of the world.

same bro

 

[Alexandra0]

The main reason is the disease that torments me almost constantly. I hate myself and this whole world. I regret that life exists. After all, where there is life, there is suffering

 

[unluckysadness]

I'm dealing with chronic illness and can't leave the house much anymore.
What is your reasonings for wanting to ctb?

same for me. i'm not human anymore, just a ghost waiting for eternity and peace

 

[fatty44]

Mentall illness

Hopelessness

Being too weak to participate

 

[byebyeblondie]

Bad memories I can't escape.
Feeling like I don't belong anywhere or fit in with anyone.
Never really knowing who I am.
Constantly feeling like I'm worthless and everyone is better off without me.
Feeling like a coward.
Feeling like I can't lead a normal life with BPD and that I because of that, I only ruin the lives of those I'm around.
Feeling alone and unloved.
Feeling empty all the time.

 

[kamyzyak]

Same. I will likely go blind in the next few years. I don't really want to die, but too many things I love are connected to eyesight, and I'm not sure I can accept the loss.

 

[mythesiah]

Having a family that makes me lose my desire to pursue my life. I just want to escape and not deal with more of this every single day.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

Multiple and varying reasons, and some of them I have posted about a few months or years ago. To describe vaguely and in general why I want to "CTB":

...Because my specific reasons for wanting to die will never go away; by staying alive my issues will get worse, and my reasons for wanting to die will only be reinforced. Also I will also grow older every day that I live, and this makes me feel as if I am just "dragging on" my life.

 

[gracefulexit]

Because I refuse to comply to corruption!!!!
The entire government of both parties!

 

[OhMyStars]

I'm dealing with chronic illness and can't leave the house much anymore.
What is your reasonings for wanting to ctb?

I honestly just don't feel like this is for me anymore, I tried, I failed, and I simply just wish for it to end

 

[Manic Panic]

I honestly just don't feel like this is for me anymore, I tried, I failed, and I simply just wish for it to end

I feel that a lot , but I know how it affects people when someone they care about commits suicide ... the grief is hell... it's something I don't want anyone I care about to go through.

It hurts knowing that my death would lead them down the same path

 

[purplesky9]

I'm dealing with chronic illness and can't leave the house much anymore.
What is your reasonings for wanting to ctb?

I'm really scared I'm going to be fired soon.

 

[PI3.14]

Was sexually harassed as a kid which led to me having anxiety since age 6. Had ADHD that wasn't diagnosed until few years ago when I dropped out of college after first year due to severe depression. Lost my full paid scholarship that came with a stipend.

Failed at going back to college multiple time.

Now I'm 27, with no experience or education and my only options are minimum wage job which I refuse to work since it's not the life I worked hard for.

I basically failed at life, and decided that it's best to die than live a life that I don't want.

 

[SomedayorNexttime]

My life is horrible and I'm a pathetic weird loser, and on top of that, I am nowhere close to where I wanted to be in life.

I have nothing, no money, no job, no friends, only college and my family. I know I won't make it in life shortly after I graduate. I have too many regrets and have spent so much of my life daydreaming about an abundant and fulfilling future that will never come. In actuality it's a miracle I have never been bullied. I will never have money, or find love, or make friends again, or anything of the sort.

I will never be happy and I am destined to fail, so I want out before things get worse.

Was sexually harassed as a kid which led to me having anxiety since age 6. Had ADHD that wasn't diagnosed until few years ago when I dropped out of college after first year due to severe depression. Lost my full paid scholarship that came with a stipend.

Failed at going back to college multiple time.

Now I'm 27, with no experience or education and my only options are minimum wage job which I refuse to work since it's not the life I worked hard for.

I basically failed at life, and decided that it's best to die than live a life that I don't want.

I relate to that last sentence so much! People have told me I was self pitying for saying that. I'm so happy someone else gets what I'm feeling too

 

[itwillhappensoon]

Hopelessness,schizophrenia,feeling empty , I'm depressed most of the time even though I take medication, my brain is destroyed