Were you abused as a child?

[Volatile]

If so, is it why you want to die? For me it is. It ruined everything. My personality and view of human interaction is forever skewed.

 

[wintergirl]

To me is not the reason. I'm over it.
But probably affacted my personality, how I see the people and trust, and love.
So in the end I think it's connected, but not the main reason.

 

[Volatile]

To me is not the reason. I'm over it.
But probably affacted my personality, how I see the people and trust, and love.
So in the end I think it's connected, but not the main reason.

That's what I meant by it being the reason.

 

[wintergirl]

That's what I meant by it being the reason.

No. I have a reason. Love. Different story.
I can have a normal healty relationship, sexual life, stuff like that.

 

[9a91]

Yeah, just as much as my sister. She had more luck but had to cure her anxiety first by going year after year to different psycholigists. The doctors said that it's definietly her childhood parents' fault. But I couldn't get a grip of myself like she did.
I have read somewhere that even if one have had bad parenting through early childhood, there is a chance of rejuvenation by having a healthy relation with society onwards (it's like society would replace misbehaving parents). I didn't have a chance like that.
I'm not without a guilt here, but beating your child is not a good way to teach him how to read and write.
Got over it after moving out but our relations are not so good now.

 

[wintergirl]

Even saying this kind of things on the internet maybe not the best thing.
But maybe if you would take revenge on your parents (anybody who did this with you) could help you.
At least try it. If is not working you can still kill yourself. But give a chance to yourself.

 

[9a91]

That's just story of my childhood. It's not very relatable to my current life. Thanks. To be clear, I didn't mean child abuse like in sexual abuse but I meant it like physical and mental violence, strong in its stigma - launguage differences, sorry.

 

[Final Escape]

If so, is it why you want to die? For me it is. It ruined everything. My personality and view of human interaction is forever skewed.

I think my childhood was definitely the beginning of my problems but I hate blaming my childhood for everything. There were additional factors that contributed. It's one thing to have a bad childhood, the problem is that many of us who have very adverse childhoods don't have access to the types of therapy to overcome it and go on to lead more effective lives. So you end up leading a life that is more of a struggle than it otherwise would be if u got help. I listened to a YouTube video of a lady who had the same thing happen as I did. She had a mother with a personality disorder and her mom was abusive. It took this lady 11 years before she could find a therapist who could truly treat her. Make no mistake the system is setup to make it more likely that kids will suffer abuse, and it's purposely made scarce to find therapists who truly know what they are doing and treatment which is affordable and accessible for most people.

 

[Bilbobaggins]

Yup. Gang raped at parties by my uncle and his pals until 6 or 7 years old. Never had a successful intimate relationship and horrid nightmares; anxiety over many things.

 

[Final Escape]

Yup. Gang raped at parties by my uncle and his pals until 6 or 7 years old. Never had a successful intimate relationship and horrid nightmares; anxiety over many things.

Omg! That's terrible I was sexually abused as well but not to that extent. It's horrific that adults can do this to kids.

 

[ancryxia]

No, and sometimes I feel bad about it. I have a great life and a great family, sometimes I even feel spoiled cause my family is so good to me. I am a little selfish now that I think about it. I have never had one truly traumatic experience ever, except for mental illness. When I was about 13 I developed depression, I've battled with it for so many years ever since. I'm just done. Sometimes I feel guilty and feel like I don't have a valid reason, but I am just apathetic towards and hate life for no other reason than mental illness and depression. The only reason I can truly think of is not doing too well financially and not being able to have opportunities because of that, and not having any friends/not feeling connected to people. But my brain wants to CTB so bad. I just feel so different and alienated from society and life, and I really just want nothing to do with it. Is anyone else in the same boat? So I don't feel so selfish...

TL;DR: I am spoiled and sometimes I feel selfish, the only reasons I want to CTB is because of financial issues and not being able to have opportunities because of it, terrible depression, and not having ANY human interaction since I cannot connect with people (I'm pretty sure it's due to undiagnosed autism, or something similar, I'm not sure) but I truly cannot relate to human and feel alien.

 

[LastDay]

Yes, sexually, emotionally, and physically. I think what happened was it destroyed my sense of self and the world. Made me emotional, anxious, masochistic, and self destructive.

My therapist who is experienced and I adore recommends Prolonged Exposure treatment for the trauma. She's done it with a lot of people and says it's been super helpful and healing to them.

 

[Final Escape]

No, and sometimes I feel bad about it. I have a great life and a great family, sometimes I even feel spoiled cause my family is so good to me. I am a little selfish now that I think about it. I have never had one truly traumatic experience ever, except for mental illness. When I was about 13 I developed depression, I've battled with it for so many years ever since. I'm just done. Sometimes I feel guilty and feel like I don't have a valid reason, but I am just apathetic towards and hate life for no other reason than mental illness and depression. The only reason I can truly think of is not doing too well financially and not being able to have opportunities because of that, and not having any friends/not feeling connected to people. But my brain wants to CTB so bad. I just feel so different and alienated from society and life, and I really just want nothing to do with it. Is anyone else in the same boat? So I don't feel so selfish...

TL;DR: I am spoiled and sometimes I feel selfish, the only reasons I want to CTB is because of financial issues and not being able to have opportunities because of it, terrible depression, and not having ANY human interaction since I cannot connect with people (I'm pretty sure it's due to undiagnosed autism, or something similar, I'm not sure) but I truly cannot relate to human and feel alien.

Yes I feel the alienated and definitely have some sort of learning disability, and emotional problems. I manage to keep a couple of friends but I still feel isolated and like I don't really belong. I'm aware that this is partly my fault and I would have to make more effort to engage.

 

[TheCrow]

Yup. Gang raped at parties by my uncle and his pals until 6 or 7 years old. Never had a successful intimate relationship and horrid nightmares; anxiety over many things.

There has to be a hell.

 

[StarDust]

Yup. Gang raped at parties by my uncle and his pals until 6 or 7 years old. Never had a successful intimate relationship and horrid nightmares; anxiety over many things.

I am so sorry and I understand this all too well....waaaay too well. I've walked in VERY similar shoes. HUGS

 

[GeorgeEastman]

My childhood fucked me up pretty good, but I'm ashamed of it still having an effect. At my age, 36 and now having seen my mother pass on, it means I will never be unaffected by it. Hopeless. Might as well blow my brains out.

 

[StarDust]

My childhood fucked me up pretty good, but I'm ashamed of it still having an effect. At my age, 36 and now having seen my mother pass on, it means I will never be unaffected by it. Hopeless. Might as well blow my brains out.

You should not feel ashamed of it. Abuse takes it's toll and sadly we are the ones that have to deal with it. The nightmares, the dysfunction it puts us in, the trauma of it all. No matter how much therapy or how much someone can overcome something, it will always linger. Sad but true. It's always there somewhere in the dark recesses of ones mind.

Things like this tend to change how we think, look at the world around us and perceive things.

Trust in all it's forms is an easy thing to break but damn near impossible to get back and even then....we are still wondering.

So don't beat yourself for it.

 

[MsM3talGamer]

My abuse began from very early toddlerhood and shaped the mess I am today. I'm socially inept, very introverted, anxious, live like a recluse and suffer from an incurable health issue. Growing up in a warzone instead of a normal family has damaged me beyond repair physically and emotionally.

 

[Hopeless_soul]

mental violence

Oh yeah. Monstrous. That's why I've leaned towards mean people sometimes. My unconscious has dictated me that I need to be mistreated. And I've taken it without complaining (mostly). It might sound absurd, pathetic and stupid that one can acknowledge their own faults, without being able to behave differently. It's like having a manual, learning it by heart, and yet being stupid enough as to keep making the same mistakes, over and over again.

 

[Final Escape]

You should not feel ashamed of it. Abuse takes it's toll and sadly we are the ones that have to deal with it. The nightmares, the dysfunction it puts us in, the trauma of it all. No matter how much therapy or how much someone can overcome something, it will always linger. Sad but true. It's always there somewhere in the dark recesses of ones mind.

Things like this tend to change how we think, look at the world around us and perceive things.

Trust in all it's forms is an easy thing to break but damn near impossible to get back and even then....we are still wondering.

So don't beat yourself for it.

Right, trusting and being able to not blow things out of proportion over a minor betrayal. Minor betrayals can feel like major betrayal if you suffered abuse as a kid.

 

[Titania]

Yes and it has messed up much so. I can't function correctly in relationships nor have romantic relationships properly due to much sexual abuse. It has also made me feel a sense of worthless and hopeless where I am depressed to the point of suicide. I am dissociative often when I'm in pain or anxious because it's too much to cope. I can't get close to people without being afraid of them hurting me so I keep everyone at a distance no matter how close.

 

[StarDust]

Right, trusting and being able to not blow things out of proportion over a minor betrayal. Minor betrayals can feel like major betrayal if you suffered abuse as a kid.

This is VERY VERY true. Even the simplest thing can making you feel like the walking wounded.

For me trust is everything. I have always said don't lie to me. If you lie to me, I will find out. I will handle things better if you are just upfront and honest, otherwise everything can and will be a lot worse.

I have been lied to a lot in my lifetime; betrayed more times than I can count. It makes having any kind of relationship hard and you are always wondering if what the person is saying is true. It's hard and sad but this is what happens.

 

[thesongbird]

To be born is to be abused, someone though it was permissible to gamble with your life by giving birth, while you could have been born with morbid diseases, deformed, mentally disabled, etc. They have forced another consciousness into the trap of the evolutionary game, where the only way to leave is to cause pain, either to yourself or others (in the form of remorse). Where the only way to live is to step on the wounds of others as steps, putting one forward and forcing another backwards.

 

[Sixfeetunder]

It was most likely not as severe as some people on here have been abused, but yet. Although not by my parents. It certainly is part of my reasons for wanting to ctb. It definitely did have a negative impact on my long-term mental health.

 

[ParamitePie]

I don't know, a lot of my childhood is kind of a blur. I was certainly bullied for most of my childhood and adolescence, but nothing too severe. People would mostly talk behind my back, damage my property when I wasn't around, pretend to be my friends only to ghost me. That kind of thing.

 

[HellinHeaven]

I feel with all of you, love you for your openness and compassion.
My life started with a severe operation and weeks in intensive care unit in hospital. Later i was declared as ineducable and were forced to an attachment therapy by my parents. This was the day I stopped feeling anything, I lost trust in my family (and got a PTSD/childhood trauma). Later i was send to psychiatry, becuase they weren't able to handle me. So much violence there and if you don't follow, you get punished. There I lost trust to society. Thereto bullying from classmates, because I've been to strange for them. With 13 I was alone, the feeling of having just nobody in this world is so fucking indescribable. I had an exit plan but don't know why I fought still so many years, I am tired of this. Just a mask on the outside and inside empty.
The cruelest thing is not to be able to get into intimate relationship with people, because of dissociation and paralysis of all feelings and motivation to act. I just fall silent and wait ... until this life is over

 

[TheCrow]

Oh yeah. Monstrous. That's why I've leaned towards mean people sometimes. My unconscious has dictated me that I need to be mistreated. And I've taken it without complaining (mostly). It might sound absurd, pathetic and stupid that one can acknowledge their own faults, without being able to behave differently. It's like having a manual, learning it by heart, and yet being stupid enough as to keep making the same mistakes, over and over again.

I know exactly what you mean.

 

[Bilbobaggins]

For me, the worst thing is that my abusers are all successful, rich, retired baby boomers. They should have done jail time, but any attempts to bring them to justice have come to naught. When society starts to really break down: financial crises, Peak Oil, whatever, I'm going to take a rounders bat to some peoples' heads. For all you non Brits, that's a kind of one - handed baseball bat. Very handy. The origin of baseball as it goes. Smack.