I live by "ignorance is bliss" now because I can't stay sane otherwise. But as a kid, I was too hyperaware of my perceived reality. My emotions and thoughts were so suffocating that I romanticized nihilism and death and ended up killing off any developmental potential I had mentally/socially.
If I wasn't born to lose, then I willed myself into that state while being aware of what was to come and being unable to stop it. It's not like I had bad 'starting stats' or a bad 'starting point' but I must've cast a hidden curse/debuff on myself
And being too stuck in my ways, I never thought I could dispel it.
I didn't want to change and I didn't want others to change so I just lived in fear and anger everyday. On days where I tried to have some hope, I wanted to become someone who wanted to change or someone who wanted to live but that's much different from wanting to change or live in itself. Now I can't even pretend that I want to change/live or that I want to become someone who wants that for themselves. I would have to be an entirely different person instead.
The only thing that grew up was my physical body, and as an adult that stayed stuck in her childhood by denying reality, I'm simply ignorant and dumb now. The "precocious" child hit the ceiling of "how far can they effectively half-ass their life without their life-long internal breakdown having real-world consequences" long ago.
