Venting was "abandoned" again and i dont think i can take it anymore

[encore]

i dont know how much time passed, i think its been a day already since then, but ive been "discarded" by my partner with whom ive been with for the longest in my life. in quotations because i agreed to his terms and understood the reason behind it. we couldn't have had a sustainable relationship because his life circumstances kept triggering my mental issues and it got severe to the point i relapsed in my sh. i didnt want to stop seeing him. he didnt want to stop seeing me either, but seeing how much pain his own issues and trauma put me through destroyed him. we decided to take time apart, he said he wants to get his life and emotions together and then we could try again in the future. at least he seemed genuinely interested in talking again after some time

i dont know if this future exists. all of this hurts so much. i would much rather have our imperfect relationship back over being like this. i keep bedrotting and sleeping insane amount of hours. i dont want to be alive anymore. i keep oscillating between daydreaming about suicide, having mental breakdowns imagining him being happier without me or seeing other people, and feeling absolutely nothing. rarely i get a break from this emotional mess and actually feel "alright".

no matter where i go, people just dont understand. im tired of people. im tired of this pain. i cant take this anymore. i dont want to take this anymore. i dont want to try to survive. i dont want to try and feel better. i just want the comfort of death to finally take me.

i dont know if im going to attempt or not. maybe it will get even worse than this and it will finally give me the push. but right now im still "holding on", i guess

 

[shadowsandink]

I hear you and I wish you don't have to be in that situation. That sounds like a complicated but horrible situation. :(
I hope things get better permanently for you as soon as possible.